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Why can people be so mean???

Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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August 19th, 2006, 10:30 AM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,740
Ugh...yesterday was just aweful. We went out to coffee with DH's friend and his wife. His wife and I are friendly, but not very close. I was dreading it because she is 3 weeks further along than I was with her first, and being very young and immature I was worried that she wouldn't be very tactful about our loss. BOY was I right! She did NOTHING but talk about her pregnancy, her baby, why she's SO miserable because she's tired all the time...wah wah wah. She knows that we had just lost our THIRD baby the day before, and she refused to talk about anything other than her pregnancy. She kept rubbing her belly and talking to me as if I've never been pregnant. Like I havn't been there THREE times. I honestly felt like she was rubbing it in because she's got nothing besides this pregnancy. I was so angry when we got back in the car, so bitter, and I hate feeling this way but I don't know how to stop. I know pregnant women who havn't lost babies have a right to complain and be excited, but come on. Have a little couth when you're talking to someone who JUST lost her baby...am I evil????

*Thank you so much to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggy!*

Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.
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August 19th, 2006, 10:42 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Of course you aren't evil...in fact I find it quite kind that you didn't leap across hte table & choke hte lief out of her. I cannot & will not EVER understand how clueless soem people are. You shouldn't have to experience loss in order to be able to have some compassion & haf a brain. She was totally insensitive & in the wrong & so was Dh - he should have seen how badly this was going & got you out of there ASAP. It is awful, when you are emotionally vulnerable to be "trapped" in a situation when you can't even always think straight enough to figure out how to excuse yourself & get out of it. I would love for you to give Dh a foot in the butt from me for even asking you to go to that. You are far kinder than I am - I would have never even been willing to leave the house this soon at all - for ANYONE. I am sorry you got put in that position...make sure you are very clear with Dh about exactly how painful that was for you & you are welcome to have him read what I wrote here - so he knows it isn't you being difficult..... No on should have to go through that. It's just too soon for one - and even after a LOT of time - being treated as if you have never been pg is so insulting & have had it happen as well, in fact I had someone say "When you thought you were pg" . I know how it makes you want to rip out someone's hair.

I'm sorry hun - this just gets me really mad!
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
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August 19th, 2006, 11:07 AM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,740
Well I'm glad to hear that I'm not evil! I don't really blame DH though...he didn't force me to go...but I knew I'd have to see them soon eventually. And I was trying to give her a LITTLE credit that she might be a human being...
DH didn't hear most of what was said as he and the husband were talking war the whole time. He was pretty once he heard everything that we had talked about though. Ahhh...sheesh...some people...

*Thank you so much to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggy!*

Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.
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August 19th, 2006, 03:05 PM
srs srs is offline
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Posts: 2,421
I'm sorry you had such a rough time. People in general have surprised me, most often with their cluelessness (but occasionally with their compassion). She was definitely in the wrong, and possibly in her immaturity was trying to hold onto her hope for her baby, as if having a miscarriage was catching or something. I've heard some incredibly stupid and downright mean comments said from one pg woman to another, trying to distance themselves from someone who is probably or definitely mcing.
But even if that is the case, there is no excuse for her to act like such a jerk. I'd stay away from those folks.
And no, you're not evil. Take care.

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August 20th, 2006, 07:21 AM
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 371
People really piss me off.. Of course you aren't evil sweetie! You said that you know that people who are pg have a right to complain & be excited.. And of course they do, BUT they should be more tasteful when it comes to talking to someone they know who has had a loss recently.. And I'd also like to argue that if people have the right to complain and be excited when they are pg, then women who have suffered a loss have the right to grieve and be vocal about their pain!! Why is it okay for pg women to talk about being pg, but not okay for those who have just lost a pregnancy to talk about how badly it hurts? And for those women who are mothers, why is it so hard for them to understand how hard it would be to lose a child at any stage?! GRRRRRR. People really make me mad.

I'm sorry she was so inconsiderate, and I'm sorry that you got stuck in the situation.. Try to remember that there are people who understand.. You have us (and it sounds like maybe DH?) and possibly other people IRL.. But in any case, we're always here..
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August 20th, 2006, 11:00 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Absolutely you are not evil!! I am so sorry you had to go through that experience. I know people can be so heartless to grieivng mothers like us...why someone can't grasp the immense amount of loss we have experienced is beyond me...especially when you have lost as many times as you and I have. Common sense should really tell someone how to act. UGH! I wish I could have kicked her for you! HUGE hugs to you sweetie....I too have been caught off gard many a time by someone's insensitivity...it floors me to the point that I can't think of anything at the moment to say but after...ohhh how I wish they were in fornt of me so I could give them a piece of my mind!!!
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

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August 21st, 2006, 08:20 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
I think the other ladies have covered everything, so I'm just going to give you lots of hugs.

Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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August 21st, 2006, 01:15 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
I've said this before and I'll make the same comment...for as long as I live I'll never understand the words/actions that people say/do. Ignorance is once thing but tact is lacking in most people and we suffer in silence all too often.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I went through a rough weekend as well and can completely understand what you're feeling. You're no where close to being evil hun.

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August 22nd, 2006, 08:03 PM
Kiwi*Mummie*of*4's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 3,818
I am so sorry that lady was so inconsiderate and down right rude. She has every right to be happy and excited about her pregnancy but she should have been considerate of your feelings at this sad time for you and your hubby. I would have wanted to grab her and shake her screaming at her to be more considerate to others feelings.

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August 23rd, 2006, 11:13 AM
EricaInOhio's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Ohio
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It is amazing how rude people can be isn't it. Of course you're not evil!!!!! I can sympathize. When I called to tell my self declared "best friend" about my 2nd loss she said, Oh really well my sister-in-law just had her u/s today. They are having a boy. Her next comment was,"Well at least you can get pregnant." She has had fertility issues and is one of those people that wants the whole world to be miserable with her. She succeeded that day. I guess if the rest of the world was sympathetic to our situations we wouldn’t be searching for compassion here on JM.

Sorry you had to endure that. Pat yourself on the back for not walking out or worse......

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