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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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September 15th, 2006, 09:12 PM
Posts: n/a
Hi ladies,

I don't know who to talk to and you ladies have been so great. My due date of my first loss (oct 25) is so fast approaching. I think i have been avoiding it soooo much. Until today. I put in my schedule request for that day off and about middle of the day my boss (whos also my father in law) came and asked me why i needed it off cause him and mother in law are going to puerto rico and they need me there. I explained that it is my first due date and i'm probably going to be very emotional and i would feel better if i were home with hubby. Well before fil says anything another employee who was listening in goes "ya know, you were only 12 weeks along, i was 8 months when i lost my son, you'll be fine sweetheart, just suck it up!" For starters i hate it when people classify losses. We all lost babies, you just carried yours for longer. Secondly, how does she know how i feel? I was sooo angry. I went into the walkin fridge and just cried. I don't know how to handle all these emotions, i thought it would be better by now. I still haven't even started grieveing over my second loss, i think i'm in some serious denial. Anyway, i don't really know what i'm looking for, not sympathy, just some people who understand. I just needed to get that out. Thanks ladies, i'll try to stick around this time.

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September 15th, 2006, 09:28 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Oh Mandy...that lady that said that crap....i would punch her in the face right now for you if I could. What a terrible thing to say. I hate when people classify their loss or their problems are bigger and more painful then your own. she doesn't know you, she hasn't walked in your shoes, she doesn't know your story...what a b%$^h! You have every right to be sad and angry and you also have every right to ask for that day off. You need to take care of you...that day will be a hard one. I remember my first DD with my first loss...here I am awaiting my 3rd DD in just a few days...and i feel just as bad as I did the first time. I was "ONLY" 6,7, 8 weeks with those pg's...guess what? they hurt like a mother f&*%r too.
I am sorry you had to endure so much insensitivty. I hope your fil gives you the day off. I did something special for my baby on her DD...I amde some candles with a lady i met on another board at the beach. it was very cathartic. I made one for me, DH, my MIL, and SIL because they were all there with me through that time (unfortunbately now we've had a falling out with our inlaws but that's another story)/...then everyone lit their candle on her DD. And some friend sfrom here lit candles and sent me pictures of them. It was nice. do something to mark the day...do something for yourself too.
I do understand...we all do. we're here for you.
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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September 15th, 2006, 10:08 PM
srs srs is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,421
You're definitely in the right place. What an ignorant comment for that woman to make.
Definitely do whatever you need to do on your due date. I actually found that the day itself wasn't nearly as bad as me worrying about it beforehand, but it is a special day and you should honor it anyway you see fit.
I'm glad that you've joined us again.

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September 16th, 2006, 11:21 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Mandy - no one has any right to tell you what is a valid feeling/emotion over your loss. Maybe she lives in denial - maybe she feels differently - I really couldn't say - because it is HER - and only she knows how SHE feels - but she certainly can't speak to how YOU feel. I think you should definitely take the day off if you can. If that lady says anything else to you about it - I would simply tell her, "I appreciate that you feel you somehow know how I feel, but I really don't need your input on this - I have a support group for this & if I wanted to discuss it with you I would talk to you about it. If I am not talking to you about it - please don't talk to me about it." I would also (as Norina suggested) find a way to memorialize your angel..with candles, maybe planting a bush, tree, or flower, you can have a star named for your angel, etc, etc. You just need to find what is right for you. I am sorry that you haven't got the support you need on your DD. With my 2nd angel, I was due on my SIL's bday - my bro called wanting me to babysit for them. I said I wasn't going to feel up to it & had other plans, but my bro kept asking questions & when I finally told him he was "fine" about it - but I could hear in his voice he was annoyed & it hurt my feelings. The last thing I wanted to do on my EDD was baby-sit his kids & it should be my choice & it should be respected. Try not to take other people's responses personal - because it doesn't matter how they feel in the end - it matters how YOU feel & you need to honor that & try your best to forget about the insensitivity of others. I hope you find exactly what you need to bring you more peace & healing on that day!
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
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September 18th, 2006, 09:24 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
Like everyone else has said, that woman has no right to tell you how to feel or that you have to get over your loss. Your baby has a part of your heart and always will. I hope your FIL gives you the day off and that you can find just the right way to honor your angel. I haven't hit a DD yet, but the ladies here have been wonderful support for the ones who have had DD anniversaries. We'll be here for you, too.
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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