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July 26th, 2006, 08:46 PM
srs srs is offline
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I hope this doesn't sound too strange, but when Beckie told us she was pg, it was one of the first times since I started reading JM that I wasn't jealous of a bfp. Beck, it's not because I'm afraid for you or wouldn't want to be you or anything, it's just that it's such a different experience now. I was happy for you, but not jealous. Getting pg in and of itself is not the success - we've all been through that already.
I think I also used to feel like there must be something wrong with me when others got bfps and I didn't. Now it's totally possible that there really might be something wrong with me, but not in the way I thought.

I guess this is a long way of saying that I've been really changed by the losses. Lately I've also felt really old and worn out emotionally, like 25 going on 40 (I know 40 is not that old, but it's older than I should be feeling). Anyone else have a similar experience?

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July 26th, 2006, 11:13 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Michigan
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Sara - so often you say things in such a crystal clear way & this is another of those times "Getting pg in and of itself is not the success " hits it right on the head.

I think at first I was angry that I could feel the losses were changing me - perhaps at times I still am...but I also think that if we didn't change, they would flatten us - literally - in a way that maybe we couldn't recover from. I want to be who I used to be sometimes, because it felt "free"...but I also think there is value in having some of this depth & some of the scars - because it is part of my story & part of yours as well.

I don't know if that even makes enough sense - but it's my take on it. I think feeling 40 when you are 25 is feeling like you have been through the mill - and in every way - you have. Give yourself enough credit to see you have been through a lot & it is okay to not feel a bounce in your step right now - it will come back...and who you are without that bounce is still pretty great in my book.
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
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July 27th, 2006, 08:22 AM
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I know I'm forever changed and can never go back to who I was. It's so true...this experience has added another type of depth to who I am as a person. It's made me see things in a new light and realize that I am not in control (which is a hard conclusion to come to when you're a control freak like I am).

On one hand I feel a bit aged and wiser beyond my years of 29, and then again I feel like I've received a life lesson at a younger age that many people never get to experience. I've learned to not take people and things for granted. That we need to surround ourselves with love and supportive people and that we need to do emotional and friendship housecleaning. Otherwise things and relationships built up clutter in our lives and we're stifled.

Growth is inevidable, but the direction of that growth depends on us. I wish I never had to go through the horrible journey of dealing with recurrent pg loss, but this is my story and apart of who I am. I can't change it, but I can change how I deal with it. It's so easy to allow ourselves to be overcome by the enormous amount of grief and feelings of inadequacies, but as Beckie said...we'll just be flattened by that. We're 3 dimensional beings and need to accept our scars, wounds and losses as apart of the fabric of our lives and embrace who become as we resurrect from the ashes.

I know it's easier said than done...and it's a 1 step forward and 3 steps back process, but it's our life journey nonetheless. At least that's how I'm seeing things right now.
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July 27th, 2006, 01:25 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Midwest
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We are definitely changed and, personally, though I hate what I went through to get here, I like the new me better. I'm more focused on the things that are truly important and less concerned for making something of myself. I've realized making something of myself isn't my job, but God's, and it's so much easier to go with him than to fight him to do things my way or by myself.

I've never had good friends that were girls. I always related better to the guys. Through my losses and JM, I've made some incredible girl friends, all of you included, who have touched not only my life but my heart. Thank you for that.
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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July 28th, 2006, 08:07 PM
srs srs is offline
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I was thinking about being changed again today, and I remembered something from a tv show I used to really like called My So-Called Life (I think it was on in the early 90s). Most of the show was told from the perspective of a teenage girl, and there was one episode where she wrote a story basically about awakening to "real life", and how until that moment she had been sheltered and living in a bubble, and then one day she woke up. I wish I could remember what the event was in the show that caused the awakening, but either way I was reminded of it today. I feel like that too, in that for the past six months I've been really living life emotionally on the edge, and now I can see it in other people as well, when they are fighting through pain and trying to keep going while their world is crashing down around them. I used to look at old photographs and see innocence, but now I feel like I can really see that people had basically all the same problems 50 or 100 years ago, and you can see it in their eyes. I can't believe that I missed it until now.

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July 31st, 2006, 05:03 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Wow you women are so ingihtful and amazing! I could relate to almost everything you sadi and feel it as I read your words.
This hit me inparticular, "I want to be who I used to be sometimes, because it felt "free"...but I also think there is value in having some of this depth & some of the scars -"
I can't tell you how many times I wish I could be the "old Norina"...but those times are becoming few and far between. AS someone else said on here, you ahte the journey but do begin loving who you've become. Recurrent loss is a sad, heart wrenching, pain beyond repair kind of experience...it has to change you. And like Nykol said, we don't have a choice in what's happened or "control" but we do have a choice in how we deal with it. I remind myself of this nearly everyday.
I too was not jealous of Beck's bfp....and I have to believe it's because I know her journey...at times can feel it, deep inside because it such a similar story. Beck's bfp comes without innocence...she knows the struggle. Not that I wish this "story" on anyone, but I think you all know what I mean. Beck's bfp brings hope and cautious optimism. I truely pray for her as I do for me...as I do for all of us. I'm kinda rambling now so I'll stop with... It's just different and I know you all "get it" ykwim?
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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July 31st, 2006, 09:27 PM
srs srs is offline
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It's just different and I know you all "get it" ykwim?[/b]
Yeah, I think we really do get it. It's amazing in a way when you think of all the changes that got us all here. I miss the old me sometimes too, but I can't imagine going back either.

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