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My MIL is going to be the death of me!

Forum: Inlaws


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May 4th, 2008, 09:01 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Fort Myers Florida
Posts: 1,871
Good Luck! My MIL can be harsh as well and say some nasty things. Stand your ground. This is NOT her child. This is her grandchild. You are the parent and you get to make the choices. Listen to what she says she has some experience and kindly tell her you will research that. Example home birth vs. hospital. Just appease her. You will learn it will make your life a little easier.
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May 4th, 2008, 10:02 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,812
i would be creeped out if my mil knew aney deatale of my sex life

if my mil came to me and said i need to hae sex with her son more often i would likely die
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May 5th, 2008, 11:18 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: CO
Posts: 1,848
Hi! I'm Kendra...I am 19 and pregnant with my second one. I just had my daughter in August 07. DH and I got married at 18 (before we got pregnant) I actually lived with my in laws when we got married.

DH was raised with the wife doing everything. My MIL does everything (even worked too) and my FIL had to do nothing. I mean my FIL can't even get his own plate of food or get a bowl of ice cream, my MIL has too.

I told DH, he wanted to marry me, tough crap, if you want a glass of water you can get it. If I am in the kitchen and he asks, of course I will get it. But say I'm in the bedroom and he asks, he can get it himself. I flat out told him, if you want to be with me and if you feel we are in a relationship you need to put what your mom taught you aside and we need to set OUR OWN RULES. Don't get me wrong DH is amazing, he cooks, cleans (way more then me) helps with the baby. So we have a great relationship.

With your MIL, set a plan, give it to her and say, you may not like it but this is what I (YOU) feel comfortable doing and thats what is done. You don't want feedback, you are dead set on this and if she has problems hand her a notebook, tell her to write it down and keep it in there hehe

Just so you know, when in the hospital everyone who will be in the delivery room signs a paper and then you sign saying its OK they are there. So if your MIL signs you can refuse to sign and say you don't want her there, so even if she thinks she can be there you have the right not to sign. My MIL wanted to be there but I said she has 3 daughters (she considers her niece a daughter) she can be there for, she don't need me and since my mom is here my mom will be the one supporting me. In fact NO ONE, other then those in the delivery room were allowed to go until AFTER my daughter was born. I told my sister to tell any nurses if someone was there who wasn't allowed to be, to leave if they weren't going to be in the delivery room and make it seem like the nurses did it. But everyone respected it and didn't come.

So even if you may feel like you need to respect her, you also need to realize that YOUR family comes first. Tell her now the rules of these things. Tell her YOU will raise YOUR baby the way YOU want. If she has input, you will listen BUT if you feel its not for you, she has 9 kids she did it with, so you don't need to do that. If she criticizes just blow her off. As for your DH, explain to him that HE has a family of his own now. He can't go to your mom for every little thing (the sex thing would scare me) and that his mom is his mom, but she isn't your counselor and you don't appreciate her telling you, you need to give up everything for him. Its not like she walks on water, so until the day she can what she says doen't apply so much in your relationship.

I really feel for you, I hope it all works out...and please feel free to PM if you need to talk. We are around the same age and I know how it goes with in laws. I still have yet to get through to my MIL that she WILL NOT be alone with my daughter til she is AT LEAST 2-3 years old.
<div align="center"><div align='center'>KENDRA & JUNIOR</div><div align="center">MARRIED SINCE 10/24/2006</div></div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">DD SAMYERA CHARLEE-JO</div><div align="center">8/27/07</div><div align="center">5LBS 14OZ 19IN</div><div align="center"></div><div align="center"> </div><div align="center">DD SHYLAH OLAVEE JORDYNN 9/14/08</div><div align="center">7LBS 13OZ, 20.5 IN</div><div align="center">BREASTFEEDING SINCE 9/14/08</div>
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May 5th, 2008, 04:33 PM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 16,541
Hi Ashley! Welcome to the ILs board! I'm Stephanne, the co-host of this board. Congrats on your pregnancy!

MILs always think they know best and that's all there is to it. My MIL once said, "You're going to get pg again once you are done bfing, right?" And I was like, "um probably not," and thinking "that's just none of your business." She assumed that since her family likes to have the first two close together (at least 3 of her siblings have less than 2 years between the first 2 including DH and his brother) that that is the best way. Well, we finished bfing (at 19 months which is way longer than she assumed I would bf, she assumed I'd stop at a year) and Samuel is 20.5 months and I'm still not pg and not tryin yet. Soooo....

You've got the right to determine who is in the delivery room. I would tell your DH to tell her she can't be there since it's his mom and if he doesn't/won't or she doesn't respect it all you have to do is give the nurses a list of who is allowed to be there and tell them you want it strictly followed and they will be the heavies. They won't let her in. I'm so lucky that my MIL didn't even attempt to come before he was born. They scheduled a visit about 3 weeks after my due date but it ended up that he was only 1.5 weeks anyway so it worked out quite nicely because I would have never allowed her in there in a million years.

How did she find out about the sex? Did your DH say something or did she ask you and you told her or is she just assuming? I wouldn't answer those types of questions from her and if she brings the subject up, I would firmly say, "I'm not going to discuss such private matters with anyone but DH." And if it's him, I'd have a heart to heart and tell him that you don't appreciate him sharing intimate details with anyone else!

I hope you stick around and post often!

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May 6th, 2008, 11:25 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,976
Hi and welcome!

To be honest, although your MIL sounds like a royal PITA, I think the real problem is between you and your DH. You keep saying that you're young and you're still trying to figure things out....but you both obviously figured out that you wanted to commit your lives to one another and get married....So I would lose the attitude of we have a lot to learn (although you might, you're just giving her an open invitation to "teach" you). Instead, adopt the attitude of, well, thanks for the input, DH and I will discuss it and figure out what's best for our family.
But I would start cutting off the amount of support you get from your families, because the more independent the two of you become, the harder it will be for them to come between the two of you.

When you were dating, did you DH expect you to do everything for him or is that a recent development in your marriage? I agree somewhat that you want to do things for your DH, but you want to do things for him because you LOVE him and respect him and you care for him. NOT because you're his slave or he's the "BOSS" of you! That's the biggest load of BS! I do things ALL the time for my DH and yeah, sometimes I won't want to, but since he's asked me to do it, I'll do it....because I know that there are times that I ask him to do things that he doesn't want to do, but he does it because he loves me! Marriage is definitely a partnership, but you need both partners to make things work!

Also, how does your MIL know that your DH isn't getting any?? Does he actually discuss that with her?? EEEEEWWW! I would talk to him about that if that's the case and let him know that these things are private and between you and him. Ask him how he'd feel if you discussed that with YOUR mom? (and if he wouldn't like it, then don't discuss it with your mom!)

I would also discuss with your DH about how his loyalties should now rest with you and the baby. And if your DH's family is religious (and it kind of sounds like they might be) remind MIL and/or DH that it says that a "man will leave his family and cleave to his wife"...and that about sums it up in a nutshell!

When I got married to my DH 6 years ago, he was tied to them financially. I actually asked him if it came down to it, I needed to know that he would pick me over them. Because if he wouldn't, then I couldn't marry him. Not to say that I have EVER tried to make him choose or that I would ever try to put him in that situation, but I needed to know that my DH would do his best to provide for me and our children.

Marriage is tough enough even WITH the support of loved ones but it's made SO much harder with the interference by them. So talk with your DH about things and make sure that you've got a united front and then make sure that the MIL knows that! It'll diffuse SO many situations to come to know that she can't control your marriage.

Oh, and regarding having her there at the birth, just let her know that you appreciate that she'd like to be there, but that you're not fully comfortable with it. don't try to make excuses, don't lie, just leave it at that. You don't have to explain your reasons or even have a discussion about it. Also, let the hospital staff know who is welcome into the room and who isn't during your delivery. And make sure you discuss this with DH and he knows your reasons for it and make sure he supports you in this! (Or better yet, let HIM be the one to tell his mom that you've both discussed it and you BOTH prefer that she not be there.) He's got to start standing up for you sometime!

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May 11th, 2008, 11:32 AM
SamuelsMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 16,541
Honey, I understand that you are young and that life comes at you fast. The thing is, no one knows how to be married. It doesn't get any easier with time. It's a day by day thing. What you need to do is sit down with your DH and tell him, that it doesn't matter how young you both are, that by getting married and having a child you now need to be adults. He can't be running to Mommy about everything, he needs to go to you because you are his wife. Tell him that you are going to have a child and now is the time to stop behaving like and being treated like children yourselves. I'm not saying that there won't be times when you need help and advice, I think parents can be invaluable at those times. But as adults, you need to take care of stuff on your own. Don't take money from them unless it's absolutely necessary. And by necessary, I mean you won't have a house to live in, food on the table, electricity or heat, or you won't be able to get to school. Other than that, do without it. If that means cutting out the cable, cell phone, eating out, movies, and anything else you can do without, then do it instead of being dependent on them. It sounds like your DH needs to learn responsibility and sacrifice for his family. That might mean he doesn't always get the things he wants but going to them for money will only spell trouble. Parents will treat you like children until they see that you arne't any more. The key thing in marriage is to open and honest with your DH about how all this makes you feel. And I would be to the point about the sex thing, don't beat around the bush. I would say, "Do you know how embarrassing it is to me to know that your mom and who knows else knows all about our sex life. Please have respect enough for me not to tell intimate details about me to others because we are both involved in our sex life, not just you. I would never tell someone else something that would cause you to feel uncomfortable around them so please do the same for me." That might put it in a whole new light. He needs to respect you as his wife and only put you in the best light possible when talking about you to others you know and vice versa. I hope you can work things out. Communicate, communicate, communicate!

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