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my inlaws are great its MY mom

Forum: Inlaws


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September 22nd, 2009, 05:06 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 932
I have been lurking fora while... I have been going out with my SO for almost 2yrs now and we are engaged. I have a 6yr old from my previous marriage.
My mom has never really been envolved in my daughters life, even though we have lived with her when i got seperated, and she only lives 20mins away. She used to live up the block..but if i didnt go visit her...we would never see her.
My SO is a fantastic guy..he works the oil rigs for a living and their season for lots of work is usually july-the end of april...then they have a few months off for breakup and all that...well this year since the resession hit and all that my SO got laid off in Feb. no biggy... we had just moved to a small town close to his mom and I still had my job..which i could work and he could stay at home with my daughter. He ended up being laid off 6months and has just gone back to work at the start of this month...so yes we struggled alot..especially the past few months when my hours were cut back. But he always did something to bring in enough money for rent and food.
My mother..even tho my dad was in the same boat when were growing up..didnt think it was right i was supporting him..she called him lazy and everything under the sun. She said I should do whats best for my daughter and leave him..now when i was single she was my babysitter and i missed so many shifts because she didnt "feel" like babysitting.
The other issue she has with this whole thing is ...his family is very involved with my daughter...they treat her like a princess.. they come to her christmas plays..her birthday..ALL of his family...aunts,uncles..sisiters brothers grandparents all came..but my parents didnt. Well my daughter has started calling my SO's mom grandma and his siblings aunt and uncle...and my mom takes it upon herself to lecture my daughter about that...she is 6! she can call them what she wants...we are getting MARRIED.
Then there is the issue of money...SO makes maybe 50,000 a year...my dad makes over 150,000/yr...but my mom is always on the phone asking to borrow money from me..when i tell her no she gets all pissy and gives me a lecture on how to spend money properly and is mad when we dont have the money to lend her because she needs it. My sister and her bf live at my moms..for free and get whatever they want..they are 25 an 28...but if i ever need anything...i have to give her a million reasons why i need it . Like when were having tough times...my mom said she'd help me out if I left my SO ..i said keep your money..i dont need it that bad.
I dont understand her...this week she has promised to come visit since tuesday...thursday i m/c our baby and i called my mom for support and she told me good, and dont try again because you dont make me very happy when you are pregnant..jarvis(my so) doesnt deserve to have a child with u and u dont need to be a single mom with 2 kids....did she miss the fact im getting married in 10months??
Her side of the family has no clue because she hasnt told them because she doesnt want them to think her daughter is a flusy ... what the hell!!!
sorry had to vent..

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September 22nd, 2009, 06:42 PM
Posts: n/a
Wow. I can't believe she said that to you about the m/c. That's horrible but it makes it feel especially horrible coming from your own mother.

Sometimes I think our moms become worse once we have kids. I find my mom saying some things I never in a million years thought she would've said. Some things she says makes me feel like the worst mother in the world. I think once they become grandmothers something snaps in their brain and they change and become overly judgmental.

Good luck.....What I would do if it were me is just give her some space and not call/visit for a few weeks or so and see if that makes her maybe change???? Tough situation.
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September 22nd, 2009, 07:29 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 932
Ive tried not calling and giving space...she assumes we are ignoring her and calls to give me crap.
I think the worst thing she has ever said was when she was my babysitter...i asked her to babysit and she said no...and then went on to tell me that if i had kept my legs shut i wouldnt have a babysitting problem. She said that about her own GRANDDAUGHTER!

sometimes i wish it was easy to just cut her out of my life.

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September 23rd, 2009, 07:20 AM
Posts: n/a
OMG>.....that's just horrible.....it's so frustrating/hurtful that people have to say and do things like this.
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September 24th, 2009, 04:12 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,652
Have you asked her what her problem is? She really just needs to grow up. It sounds like she is unhappy with her own life.
I don't think that any of you would benefit from cutting her out, but maybe it would be best to distance yourself as much as possible. Talk every few weeks and see each other just for holidays. If she asks why, let her know that her negative attitude is not something that you want to deal with. I know, easier said than done. At least you have great inlaws that sound very supportive.
*Natural Birthing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, baby wearing momma to 2 amazing children, Micah (5-22-09) and Reagan (4-21-11)
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November 30th, 2009, 12:38 PM
Caelen's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Hurley, WI
Posts: 8,572
I think your SO sounds like a gem and so does his family. Everyone falls on hard times and staying home with a kid really isn't "lazy time". I should know, I stay at home with one right now! lol Just because he doesn't have a job you're supposed to boot him? It sounds to me like he pulled his weight in whatever way he could.

I'm so so so sorry she reacted that way to your mc. No one deserves to hear something like that no matter what the circumstances are, especially when you've gone to them in search of emotional support.

I don't think cutting her out of your life would really fix things. I did that with my mom for a long while and all its really done is make it hard for things to start back up again even though she seems to want to be pleasantly involved now. Maybe what would help is putting a little distance between the two of you in terms of emotions and miles! Hopefully at some point she puts on her big girl pants and realizes that its not worth it to alienate her daughter to the point where her daughter doesn't like her anymore.
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