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Should I have done it differently?

Forum: Inlaws


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November 27th, 2011, 04:56 PM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
My mother's in the hospital as of a week ago. I came home from NY Wednesday night with my boyfriend and have been spending everyday in there with her since I've been home while he stayed with his parents. My mom had a baby shower planned for yesterday (Saturday) but since she's been in the hospital it's been postponed. He told his mom this, but he didnt tell her why. The reason is because she's so spontaneous and weird, and does things the way SHE thinks it should be done instead of how it SHOULD be done. My parents dont really care for her, for that reason. She's just really insistent on things and weird, and... Well, weird is the best thing I can think of. For example, she knew my mother really wanted to buy a crib, and she (his mom) did too. Because of this, my mother suggested well how about anyone that wants to buy the crib can give us the money so we can go look and buy it ourselves. But instead she insisted her and his father come visit us just to look at cribs to see what we liked. While we were doing that, his father was saying how he wanted to pay for the whole thing himself, but beforehand his parents seemed alright with my mother's suggestion. I reminded them that my mother wanted to help out too. His father's response was "Well she can buy the mattress if she wants" and "OR, she can give you her share and you can just spend it on something else". That irritated me but I didnt say anything else to him, knowing I wouldnt win. A few weeks after that, his mother sent my mother a card saying something along the lines of "We took the kids out to look at cribs, his father's determined to have it shipped to them". Does that sound like they had already bought the crib to anyone else? Because that's how my mother took it. For a little while she was irritated, but then she backed out completely and is saying fine, let them do it on their own now. It really hurts me and breaks my heart, because I know she really wanted to help out with it. Yet his mother opened her mouth and claims she "didnt mean it the way she worded it". Why would she word it that way if she didnt mean it? She had to have thought of what she was going to say. And this woman has stopped by my parent's house randomly, without warning, just to drop off a book of random coupons saying "I was in the area and thought you'd like this". Whenever she does something, my boyfriend or his father has to tell her time and time again "you shouldnt have done it like that, this is how it should have been done" all she has to say is "oh I didnt think of it like that". So she's a little random and weird. I know, maybe she doesnt sound that bad to others, but there's only so much of her I can honestly take; she's A LOT worse in person.

Anyway, because of this I told my boyfriend not to tell her that my mother's in the hospital, just tell her that the baby shower's been postponed. He agreed to the reason why, because his mother would more than likely show up unannounced and make everyone in my family feel really uncomfortable and she'd try to talk about things that would make it even more awkward. Plus, my family doesnt really care for his parents anyway (they're mature about it, but they just dont really like the way she does things). I didnt want that awkwardness and everyone being uncomfortable, so I asked him please, just dont tell her. He didnt, all he said was something came up and the shower was postponed until next month around Christmas. She kept asking why, but he wouldnt tell her. Well, my grandmother who is basically the same way as his mother, talked to her the other night. My grandmother's a bit different, though. When she tells someone something that happened, she adds what she wants to it and tells it the way she wants it to be. She's hardly ever truthful. But she talked to his mother the other night and told her that my mother was in the hospital and why she was. Well, my boyfriend left to head back to NY today and he said his mother was so furious that he wouldnt tell her about my mother, she wouldnt even stay in the same room as him and went to another room when he left and hardly said goodbye to him. All because she found out about my mother from my grandmother, not from my boyfriend. I feel awful for my boyfriend because she's so upset with him, not me, because of my grandmother. Yeah, she didnt know I didnt want his mother to know but at the same time I dont really think it's my grandmother's place to tell someone she hasnt even met face to face (they've only talked on the phone and facebook!) about something that personal. His mother doesnt even really know my mother, anyway, they've only met a small handful of times. I just dont think she should take her fury out on him. She wonders why she wasnt told, but she's just so random and uncomfortable, plus I didnt know if my parents wanted his to know what was going on anyway, seeing as it's not really their business IMO. Should I have handled it differently, though? I know the answer is probably yes, but when I told him not to say anything I had my reasons to say dont tell her anything. Now that I know she's upset with my boyfriend and hardly said bye to him, I'm starting to wonder if I should have done something different... It's not really my boyfriend's fault, it's more mine :/
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November 28th, 2011, 12:53 PM
sfarrow3's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 5,639
O Man! Well honestly the way your mother in law is it could have played out so many ways. I think you handled it fine in not wanting to tell her the reason, but seeing that she is so wrapped up in the new baby (by wanting to buy the crib). She was probably confused and puzzled as to why it was cancelled. Have you all tried to sit down with MIL and have a honest heart to heart. I mean just lay it on table. Let her know how you are feeling, how she comes unannounced and etc. Now in regards to her being upset with your boyfriend she will get over it. For one she wants to be in the baby's life and she probably is just hurt right now. I think in all relationships communication is very vital. ((HUGS)) Inlaw relationships are very challenging!!

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December 1st, 2011, 06:39 PM
C&K'sMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 6,150
I don't think you handled it wrong. Has it been discussed why she is in the hospital? Maybe a good time to sit down and heart to heart, but not tell her the WHOLE truth. Maybe tell her that your mom is in the hospital and you didn't feel that it was your place to be announcing it to the world because it's a sensitive subject (great time to use pregnancy hormones) and that SO wasn't trying to exclude her but to honor your wishes.

Tell her something along the lines of "We are truly sorry we hurt your feelings, that was not our intention at all... etc etc etc"

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December 2nd, 2011, 02:01 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 27,101
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No I don't think you did the wrong thing at all.

I'm a very blunt person. Once someone's given me a lashing, I'm never afraid to give one back (I put DH's family Monday if they say so much as a peep to me). I'd have told my MIL that it honestly wasn't her business why.
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December 4th, 2011, 02:34 PM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 27
I did tell him to tell his parents that it was me that said not to say anything. He hasnt told me if he did or not, so I dont know what they know or think and honestly I dont care about them anymore. They're driving me crazy with a separate issue that I just dont even like them, not that I really could stand them to begin with.
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