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February 5th, 2011, 11:40 AM
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 309
This is totally, well pretty much, unrelated to any kind of Atheist or Agnostic parenting, but I've always felt welcome here, and would love to get some feedback on this somewhere that I know none of my real life friends will be.

It's long.

I grew up in Michigan. We moved a lot when I was a kid. I never really fit in anywhere, because we never stayed anywhere long enough to make good friends. For this reason, I was very insecure, socially awkward, and really struggled to make friends. I attended church with regularity, and participated in youth group events, but mostly just to not be lonely. I also didn't do very well in school because we didn't stick with any district long enough for me to do well. After high school i was hired as a nanny for a family in the suburbs of NYC.

After several months, I befriended another nanny, Catie, who went to a gymnastic class with her little charge. She was a little alternative, she was having an affair with a married man, and knew she had an STD, but never told any of the guys she slept with. We were 19, but even I knew she didn't make the best life choices. Still I was so lonely and pretty much willing to accept anything in order to not being lonely all the time.

Catie had a really good friend that she'd met in high school, Lainie. Lainie was from a wealthy family, but when her parents divorced she ended up in a group home because she kept running away. From what I understand Lainie and Catie met in the group home, somehow. When I met Lainie, she was in college, but was 'dating' a guy who was in jail, convicted of armed robbery.

Sometime after this, there was a birthday party for Catie. It was probably one of my first times drinking, if I remember correctly. The evening found me making out, and dry humping on the sofa with Guy, a 21 year old Haitian guy studying computer science here in the states. The next day he called my number--which happened to be my employer's home, and spilled out to my boss that he was sorry for being so disrespectful to me, and that he'd like to continue seeing me if that was okay.

Over the next few months, Guy and I were together whenever we weren't in class or working. He was a very kind, considerate, and polite guy. In this time I learned that Lainie hadn't been interested in Guy, so she tried to set us up. He and I went together to Planned Parenthood and i went on birth control. We waited a month, then started having sex--my first time, of course.

I can't remember how long all this took, probably 6 months, or so. One night he calls me and tells me that he is so happy to have found me, and told me how much he loved me. I didn't even respond, because I didn't know how I felt. But, as you can imagine, I spent that whole evening all a tingle. No one had ever loved me before.

The next day he called me up and told me he could never see me again. He didn't want to talk to me anymore.

I was stunned. I was confused. I was hurt.

That night I went over to Catie's apartment, Lainie was there. They let me cry on their shoulders for about 7 minutes, then moved on to something else. I was embarrassed and never mentioned it again.

Shortly after I started having a sex only affair with a guy who graduated from Harvard and was nearly done with Law School at Columbia. I wasn't eager to share this information with Catie because she'd been so insensitive about the Guy thing. Probably 6 weeks after I met Bryan, she asked me to go out, but I declined because I had plans. She asked why and I explained the situation with Bryan. Catie said to me, "I can't believe you never told me. You're such a horrible friend!" then she never talked to me again.

In the course of 6-8 weeks I lost my first lost, and my only friend. A year later Lainie contacted me (she wasn't really my friend at the time) and wanted to hang out. By this time I was living in NYC, going to college. It just so happened that I lived near where the bus that left for the state prison at 2 am was located. So, every saturday she would come over to my place and we would go out to dinner, she'd primp to go see her boyfriend, then I'd take her to the bus in the middle of the night.

As the months passed, we become closer friends. We spent a good deal of time together more and more. Not just for her to go hang out with her boyfriend. She graduated college and started working. I met another guy and was in a pretty abusive relationship. She was my friend through all that. We helped each other move on from our boyfriends (and she kicked out the ex-con who was really a jerk). She went off to Europe to become a psychotherapist. I got married and had babies. We've been friends for 12 years since the Guy thing.

Yesterday she decides to tell me that she and Catie had a plan to break up Guy and me, because we looked too happy. Like, they honestly made a plan to do this to me, and then intentionally ditched me because I was annoying. (I don't doubt I was annoying--just to clarify). She asserts that she was never really my friend until after those many nights that I sat with her in Columbus Circle waiting for the prison buses--then she really came to love me and respect me as I matured. She really just wanted to say she was sorry for treating me so poorly, and she completely understands if I never want to talk to her again.

Initially, I told her that it was so long ago, and our friendship has become so strong since--and we all do stupid stuff when we are young-- and I told her that I was okay with what happened, because if she hadn't, who knows what would have happened if I HAD stayed with Guy Who, by the way, is a really nice guy. We reconnected on facebook a year or so ago. He is, however, a total Bible banger. So, yeah, NO!

But then I spent last night brooding over it. Like, really... how messed up is what she did!? Like, in the long run--the whole thing messed with my ability to be in a normal, well balanced relationship. I went on to become very promiscuous, because I didn't want to trust that any guy would take my heart and care for it the way I trusted Guy to. Then I was in an extended abusive relationship, because I was so happy to FEEL something, anything--at last. After that, I just started trying to see whatever I could get out of men in terms of stuff and actions, as long as I was fully in control of the situation. Then I met my husband who loves and adores me at any weight, mood, etc. He's a great man--but I still treat him like crap, because I don't want to trust him or expect him to really stick around. We've been married for NINE YEARS, too.

So, now I'm just so angry with Lainie for setting all this crap into motion--all for FUN! And, really, I want to talk to Guy about it, because I worry about what they did or said to him to get him to flip from being all gaga over me, then dumping me 12 hours later.

The worst thing about this whole thing is that she is a therapist. I am sure that she needed to find absolution or something. But, didn't it occur to her how much it might hurt me to know all of this 14 years later.

Married, educated, atheist, mom of two girls.

Last edited by 2kids2cats1dog; February 5th, 2011 at 11:45 AM.
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February 5th, 2011, 08:05 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Jacksonville, Florida
Posts: 19,240
Send a message via AIM to melkissa2004 Send a message via Yahoo to melkissa2004
Wow. How awful. What a horrible thing to do to someone. Honestly, I would love to say that was a long time ago and do your best to move on. She seems like she has really changed. But I don't know if I could do that either so I don't want to tell you that. You know? Listen to your heart and maybe take some time away from her to let it settle some. If a few weeks from now you feel like you can't move past it... then let her know and move on with your life the best you can.
I would definitely recommend counseling for you and your husband though. You've been together for nine years and you still have issues with your relationship. It won't hurt, that's for sure. If not for both of you, at least him. But it may help him to have a better understanding of where you are coming from.
Lots of hugs sweetie. I can't imagine how tough that would be.

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February 6th, 2011, 12:07 PM
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 309
I'm starting to think that this is what its going to come to. Because, really, I've never made the connection between what happened with Guy and my inability to trust men in my life. I want to forgive her--because she knows me, you know? We've been friends for so long, and really, she was completely honest and forthright, but it still sucks. I'm feeling so angry right now. To make matters worse, my husband is out of the country for 9 days, and I just need someone to be here and be comforting, you know? Ugh.

Suckage, galore!
Married, educated, atheist, mom of two girls.
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February 9th, 2011, 06:19 AM
*Kiliki*'s Avatar i have absolute power
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: By a Cornfield, Nebraska
Posts: 26,495
wow what an awful thing to have happened!! i wish i had some great advice for you!!! but what mel said...just follow your heart on this one!!!

Kristy, wife to Karl 6.16.01, Mom to Raianna 12.7.00, Elyse 12.3.02 and Helena 7.20.07, step-mom to Frankie 7.3.97 and step-grandma to October 3.9.15

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February 9th, 2011, 11:44 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,062
Your "friend" should be ashamed of herself. She wanted to clear her own mind. This apology was not for your benefit, it was for hers. She transferred all of that guilt and grief to you. She is happy-go-lucky now that she got that off of her chest and now you are the one who is left to pick up the pieces and deal with that betrayal.

That girl is an awful and manipulative person.
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