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Slowing dying without my lil girl!

Forum: Divorce and Separation


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February 8th, 2010, 01:50 PM
lindzprice04's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ashe, NC
Posts: 267
In October, my ex and I finally split. I could no longer take it. The week before we broke up, he went to the health dept. and got an STD test and we had been together for over three years so I had had enough.
Well, he has not contributed the first time to this child since the day she way born. I have paid all the bills and everything else. I have also raised and provided everything for his 11 year old up to this point. And then he decides that he will see Jocelyn at least 3 days a week.. UGH!!!!!!
I feel so preasured for him to see her because he does love her no matter how horrible he treated me or our situation. And no matter how much we dislike each other, i do not want my opinion ro rub off on her and for her to have a bad opinion of him when she gets old enough to know.
HE IS CRAZY!!!!! by the way.....
I have never went a day without Jocelyn. She has been attached to my hips since the say she was born. My little shadow, my best friend. He would leave for the enire night so then it was just me and lil Jocelyn and now to have that time cut in half... WTH???
So, do eliminate all threats on my life and cussings, i agreed to let him have her on Monday's, Tuesday's, and Friday's. I'm dying...
I cry every day that she is not with me. I cry every morning when i wake up and i'm not greeted my her little pitter patter feet and her curls bouncing.
I feel like my life has just come to a complete stop. I was in Wal-Mart and heard a child the same age as Jocelyn laughing and cutting up and I lost it... I had to put all my stuff and walk out..
Does this get easier????

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February 8th, 2010, 02:22 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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It's so hard when you have to share your time with someone else. I understand completely. Yes, it does get easier but it will still hurt to have her gone from your side. Keep in mind she is going to be heading off to preschool, kindergarten and eventually elementary and high schools and ultimately-life! As she grows you need to learn to help her spread her wings. No, it isn't easy. Especially when they are that young. Someone once said "Parenting is the only job where, if you do it right, after 18-20 years you get fired." Now, you'll always have a relationship with her and always be very important to her and she to you, but ultimately, if you do your job right, she will turn into a responsible young adult who wants to live on her own and take care of herself. If you focus on the idea that you never want her to leave you, not only are you doing her a disservice, but you're also going to find that she will rebel against that and when she does grow up and move out, she will #1 have some serious issues to deal with, #2 have a lot of growing up to catch up on and possibly #3 wind up hating spending time with you because you make her feel incapable of anything so she will avoid you. We all have friends who can't stand their mothers and would rather gouge out their eyes with rusty butter knives than to voluntarily spend time with them...that isn't what you want. Yes you want to be a friend to your child and close to her but your primary job here is to be a parent. She will have lots of friends but she will only ever have ONE mom. Even if her dad remarries, the new woman will only be her stepmom. An important role, but not the same! Your job is to put aside your feelings of not wanting to let her go (and we all have them to one degree or another) and help her become everything she is capable of becoming. It's wonderful that you have such love for her and she will undoubtedly be one of the most fortunate girls she knows because she will never have to doubt that she is loved...but she needs a mother more than a best friend during these formative years. It doesn't mean you can't remain close to her, but rather that your job requires sacrifices that only a mother can make. I'm very close to my daughter. We love spending time together and we have a lot of fun. But when the chips are down, she knows I will always pick up my mom hat when the situation requires. Once your daughter is grown up and no longer requires "mothering", then you can relax and be her best friend. She'll "fire you" when the time comes but until then, you owe it to her to do the best job you can possibly do--no matter how hard it is. She'll thank you in the long run and once she has babies of her own, will turn to you for advice and support...and thank you for all the sacrificing you did because then and only then will she realize how hard it was for you. For now, be glad that she has another person who loves her so much and wants to spend time with her. Many of us can't say that. Our children have fathers who are either not really involved in the children's lives or absent from them entirely or worse, abusive. Be thankful that although he wasn't a good husband, it sounds like he IS a good dad and cares enough to fight for time with his baby girl. So many of us WISH our kids had that!
I know this probably won't make it easier for you to leave her with her dad or make you miss her less. What I do hope is that you see what a wonderful opportunity you have to help her grow. She's learning that people stick around--her even though mom and dad got divorced, it doesn't mean either divorced her. You can vent here all you want and we will give you a shoulder to cry on if you need it. You're doing a great job and it's obvious how much you love your daughter. Be proud of yourself...you're a great mom!
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February 8th, 2010, 09:53 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 590
It does get easier. My girls (14) and (12) just moved with their dad. I hate it!!! We had 50/50 before which was hard. I often thought the same thing as Dani; that my girls were or will be adjusted when it was time for them to leave the nest. I don't like that their step-mom spends more time with them then me or their dad does. She does have some good qualities. I find it difficute to remember that I am their mom and always will be. I've made a lot of mistakes and I should just say that you both love her and she has two parents.
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February 9th, 2010, 12:55 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
It does get easier...try to look at as a break. That's what I do. Now I use my time wisely and get things done or go have fun while the boys are gone. But it didn't come naturally for sure. Im sorry!
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