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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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February 18th, 2010, 07:15 AM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
I'm already using you guys to vent to. I'm sorry

So STBX went to jail for domestic violence, assault. He actually called the police and said I jumped him. I didn't call but when they got there they evaluated the scene and actually saw that he needed to go to jail.

His hearing for that was yesterday (which I didn't have to go to) but he plead "not guilty" which means he will have a bench trial at the end of March, which I will have to go to as well as the officer.

On top of that, (a little history: his family has $money$) and their family lawyer is his defense attorney. God it makes me so mad because he isn't going to have to pay for the lawyers to do all of this because he just goes to bank of family and gets whatever he needs. Me on the other hand, will have to pay for each and every single thing I have to do. A friend of mine who has worked at the courts said that a lot of times lawyers tell the clients to plead not guilty just because. I hope he doesn't honestly think was he did to me is "not guilty". What I don't understand is if he wanted me gone to very badly, why does he even start to draw this stuff out!?!

I also got his mail (I forwarded mine and they did the whole family but I did go online and fix it) and it was the cell phone bill that had a copy of what I printed out and OMG I swear it just set me back to that sick feeling in my soul when I ran across her number and I swear his guy friend had to have given her his cell phone because he talks to his friend James ALL the time. On one call he was talking to her for like 27 minutes and then 30 minutes later an incoming call from his friend Jame's cell phone and talks for like 48 minutes. I can't imagine 2 guys talking that long. But everytime I've *67'd that number it has been his guy friend.

Uggghhhhh!!!!! I told my mom that if that girl is pregnant, she better check me into a pshyc hospital because I'm going to kill myself because he said he wanted kids with me and we are trying and it feels like he's taken that away from me and if she's pregnant.....OMG. But my mom is like non-chalontley (spelling) telling me flat out "no way" and all kinds of stuff. I looked at her today and was like "How do you know all this? What if he does all the things he was suppose to do as a good husband to ME to HER" she said I'm young and I can't see things as easy as she does. I am just going to believe her. She tells me that I can't get this stuff stuck in my mind.

I'm trying not to but I can't help it. I'm just so lost. Now I'm going to have to get a lawyer for yet ANOTHER hearing (we have our protection order hearing in like 2 weeks) just to say what he did. Makes me soooooo mad! Uggghhh when I seen his family's lawyer on there I want to punch the screen!

What did I do that was so bad? How could this other girl and this other lifestyle be so great?!

Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
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February 18th, 2010, 08:18 AM
Mom2LillieAidan's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,684
I know it's hard.. What I suggest is going downtown to Legal Services. I'm using them and my lawyer is awesome!!!

#1, 4, 5, 7
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February 19th, 2010, 01:03 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133

Girl, never be sorry for venting here! If I went back to all my posts-they are the same as yours. Dont back out of the protection order....follow THAT all the way to the end. And who cares if he has everything handed to him? It just means that you develop character working hard for what you have to do, and he can continue to behave the way he is.
The other girl....she is just a booty call, a friend that he is using and trying to find someone to replace you. Rest assured, he will do the EXACT same thing to her that he did to you-in due time.
All your documents put into a file. The 'f*** it file'. And leave it there. Dont stare at the bills, the texts, the calls...does more damage than good. Only take it out when you need to.
If she is pregnant, I can understand how that would almost kill on the emotional side of things, but this will work itself out. It's not fair. He took your dreams, your future and said it didn't mean anything to him anymore.
You must have angels watching over you, because if he is going to be physical with you, how do you know he wouldn't have done the same thing to any children?
God I know it hurts like he//. And I am so sorry! Vent all you need!

PS...your mom may be onto something. Sounds like she knows what she is talking about.
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February 19th, 2010, 06:04 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
I agree with everything said here. It is so painful to go through but remember, you are going to be so much better off! In the end, he is going to be miserable and alone and you will be the strong one who feels pride in her life and accomplishments. You will meet someone who is right for you and he will love you for you. Right now everything seems like it's falling apart. Like your world and all your dreams were suddenly gone and there is just nothing left but pain. You'll get through this and that pain will ease up, I promise. As you begin to heal, your world will brighten and you will realize just how much better off you are without someone like him. You'll come to see him as sad and pathetic and yourself as someone deserving of so much more than he could ever offer you. He and booty call girl deserve each other. Neither one is capable of a long term, committed relationship and IF they remain together (which I highly doubt they will) it can only bring pain and misery to both of them. How can she ever trust someone who cheated on his wife? How could he ever respect someone who would sleep with a married man? You don't want someone who is capable of cheating. You deserve better! Feel free to vent here as much as you need to...we all understand. We've been there.
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February 19th, 2010, 10:44 PM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
You ladies are so amazing. I hope that it all turns out the way you girls have said it will, and it gives me hopes because y'all have gone through it and feel this way so I hope, desperately hope, I will make it and maybe one day everything will be right again.

I love the idea of the "F*** it File" I've already got one and I try my best not to even look at it because God does it sting!

Dani, I hope that you are right. I just hope that my life will come together like I thought it was. Some days I feel like I'm getting stronger and then it feels like it is falling a part and like I said, it really hasn't begun yet which scares me.

Thank y'all so much for giving me a place to come to because you girls have been through this.

Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
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February 20th, 2010, 06:57 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
Brandielou, you are so welcome. And yes, I honestly believe that your life will come together just like that. Right now while everything is still fresh, you spend most days thinking about all the what if's, what will happen's, what will I do's. One day, you go a whole hour without a single thought like that....then you go an afternoon...pretty soon you have a busy day and realize you didn't think about it all day long...then soon you only have a passing thought every few days. It's a process that has to be endured and the timeframe cannot be predetermined. Each of us is different that way but the process is still basically the same. For one, it's a rather quick process and they're soon ready to move on. For another it takes years. It's for that reason that I tell women to work on themselves during this time. The greater your self esteem, the better you get through it all and the quicker you heal. Realizing that you were worth far more than he gave you is the first step in the healing process. You stop "mourning" what was lost and begin feeling relieved that you got out before you wasted any more time with him. You vow to never allow yourself to be shortchanged again. When you do start dating again, LISTEN when you meet someone because that little voice inside you will tell you that you're seeing red flags that indicate whether or not this is really the man for you. You probably saw them when you first started dating your STBX but you ignored them or justified them because you were feeling things about him that felt good and you wanted the dream. I know I did! But, we ignored them...told those little voices to shut the heII up...and pushed on with our plans. We women need to listen to those voices and question the situation and person when we hear them. A simple, "What did you mean when you said___?" or "Did you mean what you said?" Test him. How does he react when he says something that hurts you? Does he apologize? Or does he laugh it off and tell you YOU misunderstood? If he is sincere, he will tell you how sorry he is and take the blame. "I am so sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I should have said it like this___" If he has little or no concern for you and your feelings, he will put it back on you-"Don't take everything I say that way." Don't be so sensitive" "Why do you always assume the worst?" or he'll just laugh it off. that kind of behavior is a very good indication that he is going to have complete disregard for you and your feelings later on. Also watch how he treats you. Does he do little things for you like opening doors, being patient with you when you're running late, try to be on time for you? Does he listen to you or does he suddenly change the subject and talk about something completely different and make you feel like he hasn't been paying attention to anything you have said? These are all cues to how he will treat you down the road. Granted, some men are good at "the game" and can fake it until they have you locked into the relationship. But if you're good at reading the cues, you will see past most of them as well.
Bottom line is, none of us want to ever feel this way again. We want to have good relationships that last and are emotionally fulfilling to us. We want to be happy! I'm not saying be paranoid and look for bad in everyone but spend a little time protecting yourself and you can have that happiness.
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February 25th, 2010, 10:58 AM
Lindsjean's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: St Louis
Posts: 121

I am soooo sorry you are going through this. I feel the same way about "the other girl and if she is pregnant." I don't know if you read my post but I just found out that DH is going on holiday w/ another girl. If I found out she is pregnant. OMG! I just don't know....I think at this point in my life I don't want to have anything to do with him for my sake and so I don't have to learn anything about his other relationship.

I also agree with what you said: "how could this other girl and this other relationship be so great?"

I have been there through EVERYTHING! He actually choked me one time and then called the police on me after I came to and started yelling at him for choking me!!! After that incident I stopped arguing w/ him and let him do what whatever he wanted. The bad part about all of this is we have loved each other for years. I thought we had a "connection" that not many people had. We are both scientist and have the same love for independent films, walks in nature, cycling, etc...I never thought there was a day when he would stop caring about my feelings....
~~might be a mommy of number 2....
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