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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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February 22nd, 2010, 01:04 PM
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 7
Hi! I seeked out an entire new community just so I could vent about this completely annonymous, and my "regular" community is pretty tight knit.

I have been with my husband over 5 years, married almost 2, and we have a 13 month old and I'm due with our second, expected in July.

He has a daughter from a previous "indiscretion" and we began dating 6 months before she was born.

I have been overall unhappy with our relationship for about a year. In the last 6ish months, with finances being in ruins, discovering I was pregnant (we weren't trying like we were for our first), hormones and just the regular hardships of life things have gotten worse.

We fight daily, we make low blows, and I've asked him repeatedly (in anger, but seriously) to leave. At first he'd play nice for a few days before we fought again but now there is no "nice" period. I would leave with my daughter, but my father owns this house and we live in the basement suite. Me leaving would be ridiculous.

We have no income. My maternity was over in July, he lost his job in August and has not made much effort to find a new one. He applies "frequently" online for jobs but he hasn't physically applied since October. I had a temporary job at the end of the year, and I am about to try to find one so that I can make enough hours to get maternity leave with this child. The money we get is income assistance, but it doesn't come close to covering our basic living expenses. As soon as we are able to file our 2009 taxes we are applying for low income housing.

I have given up. I do not want to try to make things better, because everything I do while we are together is ignored or ineefective. I do not necessarily want to seperate in preperation for a divorce, but I want him to leave, spend a few weeks to a month or 2 seperated from us so that we can work out our personal issues on our own. I think he is in some sort of depression, he has gone to the doctors twice in the past but does not go to any sort of couselling and he eventually stops taking whatever anti-depressants they perscribe him saying they make him feel worse or are ineffective (even if he only takes them for a week or less). I think he may be manic depressive. Because of this, he also does not care much about his first daughter. Her mother and him do not have any sort of amicable relationship and she has on numerous occasions refused visition despite having a mediation agreement. He does not care enough to go to court and get an order, and as such it has been almost a year since she spent an overnight with us (despite us having her every other weekend since she was 10 months old).

I don't know what to do. We do not have the income to go to couselling, and I don't know if I even want to try right now. I want a break, I have emotionally checked out a long time ago.

I don't even know if I'm asking for advice.
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February 22nd, 2010, 05:12 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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I'm Dani, the host here. Welcome!
IMO if you are to the point where you don't even know if you want the marriage, you're not going to put enough effort into turning it around even if you get counseling...you need to get out--whether temporary or not. It sounds like your husband is immature and irresponsible and sees no reason to change that. By moving into low income housing, you're telling him that is acceptable to you. Is it? Is that where you want to live? Is that how you want your babies raised? Right now, you need to think about what is best for you and for your children. I speak from experience when I say you do NOT want to finally get out 20-25 years down the road and look back and WISH you had done it earlier. Life is way too short! I spent 22 years in a marriage like what you described. We fought about everything--didn't matter if it was important or not. We fought every day at least once a day for almost 22 years. When my two younger kids were 8 and 12, they BEGGED me to leave because they could not stand listening to their parents fight and living in the stressful environment that we did. I still didn't leave for 2 more years. I was petrified! I could not imagine doing it on my own but when I finally did leave, I regretted not doing so earlier. I not only managed, but I bought my own house, paid my own bills, raised my children and enjoyed a comfortable life...all on my own. I've since remarried but because I now know that I can manage on my own, I don't stay because I have to--I stay because I WANT to! I have a husband who is loving and supportive and who listens to me and works on problems when they crop up. We TALK! We've been married 3 years next month and have NEVER had an argument! That's what you, and every woman on this board deserves to have.
If I were to give you advice--which I know you said you don't even know if you really want any or not--I'd tell you to sit him down and tell him you want a separation. Tell him during the separation, he is to find other living quarters and that although he may see his child, he needs to give you your space and spend the time working on himself. After a period of time, you decide how much, you can go out with him a few times and see if there is still something worth saving. If you don't have any motivation still to work on things and you don't see a vast improvement in him, get out now. If he refuses to leave, you can always elist the help of your father and if that doesn't work (or your father won't help) then you can always call the police. Let him know that not cooperating in this is only going to end the marriage. If he really doesn't want to lose you, he will do what you want and work on himself to make himself WORTHY of you and your babies!
I hope things work out for you. I know what it's like when you live in such a volitile situation and you feel so trapped. Be strong now and you will thank yourself later on!
Vent here whenever you want. That's what we're for!
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February 22nd, 2010, 09:41 PM
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 7
Well low income housing at this point is a neccesity.
We share a 1 bedroom suite already, and housing would place us in a 3 bedroom townhouse. Even if we do seperate before placement, I require the extra space. Maybe it's different in the US (we live in Canada) but housing requires you to pay a percentage of your income as rent, and the waitlist is quite long (my area currently sits at 14 months). Doing so will also give me/us the opportunity to get subsidy for daycare, resourses for going back to school (which I plan on doing Sept 2011), and a lot of other "benefits".

The rest I can't really argue with, haha. I've considered having my dad help me show him I'm serious, but we already haven't been able to pay rent in a while, my husband JUST got hired at a job, and now he's expecting some rent soonish. I'm willing to wait it out for a while because maybe our problems have stemmed from financial hardship. If he is out, making a living, and being productive, maybe his attitude will change. I can only hope.
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February 22nd, 2010, 10:46 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
It's really hard for a man to be without a job. They are taught (or by society) that that is their job, their right...whatever...to be the one to 'bring home the bacon' and form what I have learned, it's depressing. So hopefully the depression symptoms will lesson.

Im sooo glad he found work! Good luck!
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February 22nd, 2010, 11:38 PM
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 7
Yeah, I know he is hard on himself, and I know he feels guilty/useless but he just deals with it EXTREMELY poorly, and he knows it.

He takes his frustrations out on me, and then apologizes for it later in the day. I appreciate that he recognizes he is doing me wrong, but I just wish he'd think about that BEFORE he opened his mouth.
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