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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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March 14th, 2010, 01:02 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Someone tell me what is going on here? I am going through emotional things that I can't really explain?

Im just going to ramble here and maybe you can decipher this? Dunno...the bottom line is he has been kissing my royal ***** and I dont understand? It's not about money. It's not about sex...because there are some serious nasties who will do anything with a uniform. I let go of any fight during the divorce agreement, never called the attorney back to stop the divorce, but could have. I didn't want to. Took both our boys and we filed married joint and split it in half otherwise he would have owed (because he never changed his exemptions) and I wouldn't have gotten anything back...oh well, its the last year I had to do this....I just stopped fighting all together. I dont want that in my life. If an arguement starts, then I just say, 'you know, I finalized the divorce so the fighting would stop...dont waste my time....6 years was a big enough of a waste.' And it stops.

I have been able to tell him every way I was hurt EVER. Everything that ever hurt my kids. And he listened. And he said he was so sorry that he didnt' take the time to go to counseling and work through things. That his regrets are huge. I said he had 16 months to figure it out, and nothing. It's a matter of the game of chase, I think? He wants something REALLY bad, tries hard to get it, then when he does get it, he doesn't care for it in the way he should. Takes advantage, and is careless, then when it is lost and gone for good, he wants it back. So goes the cycle....

I have adopted the car theory. If a man has a car, takes good care of it, gets regular maintenance, it will go on running forever for him. If a man has a car, never gets the oil changed, never does any maintenance on it, dumps all their garbage in it, and EXPECTS it to go on forever, how gravely disappointed he will be when it dies! I look at how they take care of their cars....NOT their mothers anymore...lol....seriously. That's my theory.

He has asked to go places together. He asked me if we can 'start over.' He has asked me if we can date. Start from the beginning...blah blah blah....Truth be told I LOVED the man I married sooooo much! So much! I would've walked to the ends of the earth for him! But he abused that. He treated me like his B****. He had these fantasies of how perfect and great it would all be in his head, then when I didn't live up to his fantasies, he was disappointed. Pie in the sky ideas....I had to be everything, do everything, because you know, he had his job.....wtfe. Im tired of his victim role and tired of the excuses.

Now, the things he has to go through are really hard for me to watch. Really, I shouldn't care. But I do...I just dont lead on that I do have so much compassion for the HELL is going to have to endure. He has been flagged for failing tape twice now...because he is a fat soldier. He has PT every morning and has had remedial PT (fat boy PT) every evening. He was told that if he fails tape one more time, they are going to chapter him out of the military! And, you know, rightly so....who wants a soldier that cant do their best in their unit and lacks the motivation to do ANYTHING? I wouldn't. He doesn't do self care at all...doesn't brush his teeth...and stinks like body odor majority of the time. He just gets the haircuts so he isn't chewed out by his chain.....But in my perspective, I WONT HAVE ANY GUARANTEED CHILD SUPPORT. As it is right now, I receive 900/month for 5 kids! 600 of that from him BECAUSE he is in the military. I know there is some mental health things that he wont get help for. I also that is not my problem unless it hurts my children.

Im a very motivated person. A 'go getter.' If I want something, I work HARD for it, take pride in my accomplishments, set goals, dream, plan....the sky is the limit!
He is the type to sit there with his thumb up his ***** and watch opportunities pass him by. Unmotivated. Lazy. Irresponsible. And incredibly immature. He makes no goals, nothing....It's like he just sits on this log floating down the river of life....and is satisfied with that! I am NOT! I think his mom did him a major dis-service by doing everything for him-connected at the umbellical cord, rescuing him, doing everything for him. But she cant be blamed-he's a friggin adult now! God, I hope I never do this to my kids! I DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!

So the reason I am typing this all out just came to me...and it's most likely because I have to FIGHT to not fall back into stupidity. It's tempting...it really is. But I just cant. I still care so much for him, but god, it's just so sad to see. My hands are tied and I KNOW there is nothing I can do for him. But it just makes me feel sad to watch him (or anyone) go through something like this!

Thanks for listening!
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March 14th, 2010, 01:09 PM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,546
He is no longer your responsibility or problem; you and the children are.

He had more than enough chances and opportunity to fix things and his behaviour to drag things out had nothing to do with trying over, but everything to do with spite & making life that much more difficult for you.

You're worth more than a life of all that, don't fall prey to what he is doing. I know someone who did and in the end, she lost everything because she let her feelings guide her instead of realizing that things ended the first time for a reason.

Stay strong.

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March 15th, 2010, 07:37 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
Hope, when my first marriage ended, and remember this is aftermany years of BOTH of us wanting out but each being afraid to take that first step, my ex tried DESPERATELY to get me to come back to him. He offered me the sun, the moon and the stars, we would go on trips every 6 months, we would pool our recourses and buy the house of my dreams, we could move anywhere in the country, I could finally go back to school, etc. He even at one point offered an OPEN marriage! I guess he figured I was a complete tramp so if he would allow me to have sex with whomever I wanted, I would come back to him. He offered me money for sex, offered to upgrade my diamond ring...anything he could think of to get me to give him one last chance and the ONLY thing that kept running through my mind was seeing my 14 yr old pull him off me the night our marriage finally came to a violent end. Unless you think he HAS changed--not will or could but HAS ALREADY CHANGED--don't even think about going back! Remember how you felt when he left..how scared you were...how abondoned and angry and hurt you were. You're going to have a roller coaster of emotions for the next while. Don't allow him to talk you into something that isn't right for YOU and your children when you are having a weak moment. Stay strong and if you need to come here and post all your thoughts do so! Before you do something that is going to wind up hurting you in the end, think about how it felt when he left.
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March 16th, 2010, 11:50 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
I know but....D A M N! No, it's not the rescuing type 'feel sorry for him'. It's the 'sad-to-watch' attitude. My hands are tied. I know I am done trying to save anything or hang onto s***, Im just saying it is harder on me than I thought it would be to see from where I am at now.
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March 17th, 2010, 07:09 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
It IS hard. It's hard to watch someone who you care about finally realize they messed up BIG TIME! To see them scrambling about trying to salvage something meaningful in their lives and to KNOW that if they had just seen this a year ago, you would have had a different reaction.
I watched my ex promise all the things I had asked for over the years with bonuses. All those times I simply wanted to have a real "family" and do things together and he just didn't have time for us. All those times I wanted some romance in my life--not just sex. All those times I wanted to feel appreciated for all of the things I did for him. Those times were ignored until he realized that I was gone...then he suddenly wants to work on our marriage? When I had nothing but disgust and contempt for the man? When everytime I looked at him, all I could see was the rage in his face as he swung that flashlight again and again and how he went after my son and the fury in his voice when he headed for the kitchen to get that knife...now? NOW? you want to try again? NOW you think you can make things right? Make me love you again? Do right by our children? Nope. Too little too late.
Like you, I enjoy everything that marriage has to offer. I love the idea of growing old together and that I have a partner in life that will stand by me and work with me when life hands us challenges. I love snuggling up with someone too and knowing that when I feel down and need a hug, there is someone there who is willing to give me one. I never had any of those things for the 22 years I was married to my ex. I have all of that and so much more with Tom. Someday you will find someone who will give you all that you deserve and everything you've dreamed of...and then some! I promise!
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March 19th, 2010, 11:27 PM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
I just wanted to add, because I am still in the shock stage of what I'm going through I'm not much real help, but it seems like now that someone is telling him he's not good enough he is realizing how wrong he was for having such high expectations. It seems like now that he can live up to exceptions he realizes how hard it is and how it feels to fall short.

As far as the dating and going places, I know if I were in your shoes, I don't know what I would do. I know that my heart is broken and I know now I don't want to be with him but I still have that mentality of thinking "I want to fix this. I can fix this. This can't be broken." But I am not willing to put forth the effort of even thinking that I would, even if he ever did what yours is doing, but it hurts my pride because he isn't calling, he isn't trying, and it hurts to know that he is done with me and tossed me aside after all this time.

You know from my other posts that I blame myself so anything further in that paragraph I would have just begun to blame myself but I will say that you live one life so try to make the best decision for you, whatever it may be. And you know I ramble all the time so don't feel bad at all!!!

Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
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