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April 1st, 2010, 10:57 AM
Shyann's_Mommy09's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,031
I decided to leave my DH and seperate for a while because of a lot of things. Mostly because he is bordeerline abusive. I say borderline because he hasnt actually hit me but has come close many times and has grabbed me really hard, thrown things, etc. He thinks that its ok to spank our almost 14 month old and just recently he wacked her on the head so hard she screamed and ran from him terrified.

We have had so many financhial problems that its hard to name them all. In the time we have been married (3 1/2 years) we have moved 7 times never staying in anyplace longer than 6 months. The one place we did stay for over a year and even that shocks me. We have had power and heat shut off more times than I can count and he just will not step up and take care of his family.

Im trying really hard to work things out with him, trying to get him some anger counceling and marriage counceling and so far he has agreed. But then again last night he told me that he has not been happy with me for a long time and the last happy thing he can think of is when Shy was born. I do not think he will work things out and after everything he told me last night I dont even know if I really want to anymore.

So now my questions are or at least the big question is if we do not put in divorce papers right away can I still get him to pay me child support? I work part time, very part time and I do not make enough to support us on our own and there are things Shyann is going to need and I shouldnt have to come up with it all on my own. My name is still on our joint bank account and I do still have my bank card but I do not want to start a war with me using it and using his paycheck money even if it is for things for his daughter.

I would love for us to work it out without going to court but I dont see that happening. Also is it possible for the court to award him full custody because of how much more he makes money wise? Im freaking out because Im going to be living with family for a while and that he still has our apartment with all of our things in it that a judge will see that a better place for her to be and take her away from me and I just do not trust her in his full care. Plus he works 8 hours a day all day long so he wouldnt even be the one taking care of her a daycare would be. I just cant bare to think of loosing my baby girl.

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April 2nd, 2010, 06:52 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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First off, I am sorry for everything you're going through. It's so hard and that fear of all those things you mentioned is what kept me in my marriage for 22 years.
Secondly, there are many forms of abuse and mental and emotional abuses can be just as damaging as the physical. He's already shown physical abuse to your daughter. There is no justification for hitting a child in the head like that and certainly not a 14 month old!!! That IS physical abuse and it's only going to get worse because he doesn't see himself as abusive and he isn't getting help for his anger issues. No, a judge isn't going to take her away from you just because he makes money and you don't or because the things she needs are at his house. He will award you child support but your STBX is not legally obligated to pay until the courts say he has to. Now morally is another question. But legally--no. Unfortunately, you're going to have to do something to get that done. We have one member of our group who did it all herself--KrazE. I'm certain she can give you some pointers--otherwise you need to get a lawyer. I know it seems like an unecessary expense but in the end, it's worth it and unless you're willing to put in the time and effort that it takes to do this yourself, it's the smart thing to do. In almost every case I have seen, including my own, the woman gets screwed when they try to do without lawyers UNLESS she is willing to put in a lot of time and effort into researching and filing the appropriate papers. I hate lawyers too but in this instance they will help to look out for your interests and the best interests of your daughter--ESPECIALLY given your STBX's anger issues.
My advice? Get everything you are going to need out of the apartment, take as much as you can for expenses out of the checking, get a good lawyer and DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! If he sends you a nasty text message or leaves you a threatening voice mail or email, KEEP IT! If you talk to him and he says or does something that makes you feel scared of threatened in any way, write it down as soon as you can and in as much detail as possible. If there are witnesses, ask them to do the same and have your lawyer take statements from them as well. ANYTHING you can get to back up your story that he is violent or abusive in any way, you want to document as best you can. It will sound so much more credible if you are asked if you can say "On April 2nd he said ______" instead of "Sometime at the end of March, begining of April he said something like____"
I know you don't want this to be a battle. Unfortunately, it most likely will be. Anytime there is a child involved who both parents want, it's a battle. The good thing is that he hasn't said anything yet like "You're not taking MY DAUGHTER anywhere!" so he doesn't seem to expect that he will be given primary custody or that you won't be able to see her or that he is trying to use her to keep you there. This isn't going to be fun at all. But you'll get through it just like the rest of us have and when you're finished, it will be a relief to have it behind you. In the meantime, work on yourself and take care of your daughter. I say work on yourself because we ALL need to do that when we're coming out of a bad relationship. You've been beaten down over the course of time and although you may not realise it, you HAVE been abused! He's chipped away at your self esteem and self confidence and you need to reclaim that! You DESERVE better and you'll get it but first you need to get your "self" back.
We're here anytime and we will help you get through this.
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April 2nd, 2010, 08:50 AM
Mom2LillieAidan's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,684
I recently went through a temporary custody issue with my DD's dad wanting to take her from me and I thought that without a job, she would without a doubt be taken from me, but it didn't happen. You DH will more than likely be required to pay child support. Have faith in the courts. They will do what is best for your DD. I know right now is a very hard time, but you will get through it and be a stronger for it. Me and my STBX are battling over child support now. He wants to settle, but I'm not accepting his offer. Not because I don't want to settle, because I do. I just want this to be over so we can both get on with our lives and enjoy our little girl instead of fighting all the time. I won't accept his offer because he's not offering enough money. The Coast Guard will give me almost double what he's offering, so why should my daughter have to settle for his offer. Sorry, I got a little off topic. But as I was saying, I know 100% for a fact that if you fight for child support, you will get it. He helped make that child, so he needs to help take care of her. I don't know all the legal stuff, so I can't really help with that. But trust that things do get better. It may be dark now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

Keep your head up mama. If you need us, we're here.

PS. Shyann is adorable!

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