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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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April 11th, 2010, 12:19 PM
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1
I finally have realized that after 10 years of being together, it is time for me to move on with my life. My DH has alcohol issues - every weekend he binge drinks. He has had alcohol problems every since I have known him. I wrongly assumed that he would mature, especially after the birth of our child. She will be 2 in May, and he still gets drunk every weekend. He is not violent or anything, but I just can't live with it anymore. I think it is unfair for him to expect me to be okay with his ridiculous behavior. I am thankful that my DD has given me the strength and courage to finally leave him. He has even said that he wants another baby next year! I feel guilty leaving him because of my daughter - I did not want her to be an only child living apart from her father.

Anyways, my question is about separating. I want to separate from him, but he is unwilling to move out of the house. I am assuming this means that I will have to move out myself. Legally, am I allowed to do this? Do I have to file some sort of separation notice? I have told him over and over again that I refuse to live my life like this, and I think he doesn't take me seriously. I am not even willing to wait for him to change anymore because he tells me every weekend after his drinking that he will stop, and then the next weekend, he is at it again. It breaks my heart that he can not put his DD before his selfish behavior.

What should my first step be? I am a teacher and will be finishing up the school year in June - I wanted to wait one more year to move and I don't want to have to move twice. I would like to find a job closer to where my parents live so that they can help me out with my DD. It will probably make more sense for me to just look for a new job now and then move in the summer. Thanks for reading my long post and for offering any support or advice.
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April 11th, 2010, 12:45 PM
4wildflowers's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Northern Nevada
Posts: 3,175
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I don't have the answers to your questions, but I can tell you that there are women here who will know the answers!

I've recently gone through a similar situation, and it was mainly due to his drinking. I think you'll find a lot of women here who can be of support. Best of luck to you! <3

My kids.....
Jake 13
Shane 9
Brynne 6
Claire 4

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April 11th, 2010, 12:58 PM
KrazE's Avatar ShutTheFrontDoor
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,546
I think your thought process is going in the correct direction. I would agree that you should start preparing to leave by looking for work etc where you would like to be, and get yourself set to where you will have the things you will both need.

The biggest issue when you leave with the child will be to ensure that she has the basic necessities as this can be argued by the other parent.

If you leave, will you be in the same state, town, area?
The bulk of it all will depend on how much your ex will fight things. If you are able to ensure that you are leaving to a job etc (or rather that you left and that was there as planned) it can help once things go to court.

The more planning you do beforehand, the better it can go for you.

His drinking issues on the weekend should be something that you also bring forward when it comes to visitation.

Hopefully some of that made sense

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April 12th, 2010, 08:06 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
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Your best bet is to get yourself a lawyer and start everything moving in the direction you want to go. If the move to your parents is going to be to another state, you're most likely going to catch some flak from him but if the move will put you and your child in a better situation--and it will if your parents are going to provide care for the child or if the job brings in more money or greater stability--then I don't think there will be any problems with it. If the move is within the state, you may still encounter problems if it's going to mean he has to travel more than a couple of hours for his visitations. I worry about those visitations if the drinking is going to continue, which it most likely will. From the sound of things, he'll have to hit rock bottom before the lightbulb comes on. That usually means losing everything of value--you and your daughter being the most valuable. Although it is possible that this will be the wakeup call he needs, I don't think you can count on that being the case. Talking to a lawyer at this point seems like the next step.
Hope that helps!
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April 12th, 2010, 11:01 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Addictive behavior is more like it. Here is my two cents....
If you want to leave the state, leave as soon as you get things figured out in that state, THEN file your papers, so that the parenting plan is based on the state you will reside in...not fighting in court to get there.

If your staying in the same state, employment, daycare, and all that jazz would be great to have lined up and file your papers.

Be careful with the drinkers even if they are the happiest drunks in the world. This could spark some crap...because it's emotional. Hopefully he will just drink this away too and not behave any different than his norm.....just be careful....you never know the response you will get with addictions. Good luck!

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April 14th, 2010, 12:52 AM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
If I were you I would immediately contact a lawyer (if you have the money) and if you don't look for something like legal aid. Legal aid is usually a group of attorneys that do some work for free or for a reduced rate because they are required by some states to do so much work pro bono (it amounts to similar to volunteering their time) I know they have it where I live, here's the website to give you an idea of what to start asking about Legal Services Alabama : Welcome .

What you need to do is file a motion with an attorney to a judge having him removed from the household because you do not have to leave that house. You have grounds to do so once you start the separation/divorce process because he is an alcoholic (bad environment for you child) and you have a child. You really need to do this through an attorney because I can tell you some very important information since I work in law enforcement. 1.) Neither one of you is required to leave without some type of court order because if you are married, living arrangements are a civil matter (he couldn't force you to leave either) 2.) Child custody is a complete civil matter. For example, if you go to court and get custody papers and he doesn't abide by them, you have to get a lawyer and go back to court to get the judge to issue an emergency pick up order. That has to be signed by a judge and once he signs it the document is given to law enforcement and then law enforcement gets involved. This is because law enforcement (without a court order for pickup of children) cannot decide who is best for the child. So even if you get custody papers, that is a civil matter and 99% of attorney's say if they violate it you can call the police and they will make a report or pick the child up and that is wrong. You have to get that attorney and try to get a court ordered pickup signed by a judge. This also goes if you don't give the child to him. So he could do the same thing to you if you don't let him see the child. Claiming kidnapping doesn't apply either because a parent cannot kidnap the child (goes right back to going back to court & having a pickup order signed by a judge, after THAT it can be classified how ever law enforcement sees fit). 3.) items in the home and the home itself are also a civil matter, so if you two get into a fight and you want to get your things and he won't let you, police cannot divide up property because it is one person's word against another.

Now that is where I work, your agency may be different but it can get EXTREMELY irritating because so many times people are told one thing and that isn't how it works and it shows how hard and full of bull$ hit situations can get so I would suggest getting an attorney and filing a motion removing him from the home. Once that is signed by the judge the police can get involved because it becomes an eviction. After that is done I would file separation or divorce papers because most state that both parties have to keep "status quo" which means if he pays all the bills, he has to keep doing so (or both parties keep up their responsibilities to the household) and it usually states that no property can be sold or removed and no bank accounts closed. That is what they say, that doesn't mean he will abide by it but if he violates that you can contact your attorney and have a motion filed again because he is in contempt of a court order.

That's just my two cents. It is a very long, exhausting thing to do so if you are 100% sure, no second thoughts, no maybe's, no asking yourself "is this really what I want". Once you get the ball rolling you have to follow through. I left in January and we've already been to court 2 times, protection order filed, divorce papers sent, reply sent for what we both want (waiting for mine to be rEjEcTeD and once he rejects it I'm preparing to go to court in August) but I had to change bank accounts, safety deposit box, move all my stuff out, move back home, get a new post office, change all my paperwork at work and so on, had to get a new cell phone and blah blah blah so it has been very hard. I don't have any children but if I did I don't know if I would be anywhere near as strong as I have been.

Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
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April 14th, 2010, 12:57 AM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
double post

Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
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