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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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April 16th, 2010, 01:53 PM
jjc99's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 2,259
Sorry it's so long. i jsut started typing... lol

Hi. I've been a member of JM for a few months now. I just came across this board. I have read a few of the stories and emotions of all of you wonderful, strong women. I hope I can be as strong as you are. However, my story is a bit different then many of yours (or I haven't gone far back enough to find someone in a similar situation to mine.) Anyway - here's my story.

I'm 33 and have been with my DH for 12.5 years, married for 10.5 years. It's not been a horrible 10 years. Really. It's been decent. But it hasn't been fabulous, either. He's a really good man and I know he loves me. He tries to do things for me, doesn't hit, doesn't really drink. I just don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. I wonder if I ever was. When things are "good" - they're fine. When things are "bad" - it's not horrible. It's very vanilla, beige, boring. The passion seems to be really gone. (did we ever have it?). We have been on the edge of breaking up a couple times, but either fought through it, or neither of us made the effort to end it. I have a feeling we have both wanted to, at various times, but neither could bring ourselves to say it. I can't speak for him, but that's accurate for me. A few years ago, he said to me "maybe we are better friends than married." About 1.5-2 years ago, we went to counceling. It was ok. It was about 6 months. I don't know if the therapist was a good fit for us. I know we didn't get down to the core of anything. It was surfacey stuff at first. Then we stopped going.

Things had been going pretty good for a while - no major fights. We even bought a house last August. For years and years, "we" didn't want kids. (He has a son from a relationship before me). in the last several years, I started wanting kids. He was still hesitant. (He's also 2.5 years younger). There were fights about that, including him concerned that we/I wouldn't make good parents. (That's his insecurities creeping up with his son). October, I got him on board to try. And we suceeded! I found out I was pregnant around Halloween. I then lost it early Dec. He was not overjoyed when I got pregnant. He was scared, nervous, etc. he *might* have started to come around, when I lost it. Christmas day, I was a mess. (I had been fine, until then). I had a melt-down. He was never really upset when I lost it, even during my melt-down. He was trying to comfort me, but really couldn't symphathise with me. He was really very level minded about all of it. He was trying to comfort me, but he just never got that upset about it.

We started trying again, once I was allowed. (jan, i think). Early in March, we were trying really hard. And around the same time, things started changing - for me. In my "hobby" work, I get to meet and work with some talented and incredible people. I met someone that made me turn my head. (It hasn't been the first time I strayed from the relationship. DH has done the same - when we were engaged). This new guy really REALLY has me thinking. We've messed around, but nothing too intense. We are friends, who are attracted to each other (I guess). He's totally put the brakes on the physical - since I'm married. (and maybe other reasons, but not sure). We talk ALL the time - email, texts, then we see each other after work with the "hobby" stuff. DH has suspected something...but I don't know what. I think he just knows we are friends. (And now, that's all we are).

Now, I know he's not the reason for my seriously re-thinking things about my marriage. He's part of it, but not everything. If I had never met this other guy, maybe i'd be happy and whatever with DH right now. But I also know that when we have our high points, they ususally come down to low points, eventually. If anything, the new guy has reminded me that I am not overjoyed in the marriage. I don't want to feel like i'm settling - but I think I am. DH and I have not slept in the same bed for over 4 years. (vacations, trips excluded). He has sleep apnea and really won't do much to fix it. I've tried and triend and tried and begged to have him do something about it. He won't. i've even played the "if not for me, for your son" card. Nothing. Plus, we have different work schedules, so that's the reason for the seperate bedrooms - at least that's what we tell people (and ourselves).

Our sex life has been less than thrilling. It never really was. Before TTC, I think "a lot" of sex for us was 2-3 times in the same week - and that was only a few times over the 12 years. We easily have gone 3-5 months w/o sex. DH stopped thinking about it, to keep him form getting angry. I thought it was my fault. I even went on a medical study for a drug to help woment wil low libidos. It didn't work for me. I think it's because I knew that my libido wasn't the problem...it was the partner. I can't count how many times that I have had sex with DH just to get him to leave me alone. And honestly, when it's over, i have thought"hey, it's not that bad. it's actually kinda fun." But he doesn't get me in the mood. Sometimes, when he's trying, it just annoys me. But "new guy" - just looking at him makes me excited. Maybe it's because he's "new". Whatever the reason...it doesn't seem right that I have to think of other men or anything like that to get excited for my husband.

And now, the icing on the cake? I'm pregnant. Our efforts in March apparently worked (for now) Really? REALLY? Last week, DH and I started to talk a bit to see where we are. I think he and I were approaching the same page. "We don't have anything in common anymore" "We don't do anything with each other" etc. etc etc. I told him I was pregnant. It's only fair. There wasn't a lot of discussion after that bombshell. I went to bed for a nap (cuz i'm pregnant and want to sleep all the freaking time) We really haven't talked about it since.

I feel like I know what I should do, but i'm horrified. I think part of the reason things never ended before is financial security. We sorta need each other, to keep us afloat. New home mortgage, just got a new car cuz my old one became worthless.

Anyway...that's my story. Thanks for reading. I realize many of the women here are getting out (rightfully) because their husbands are abusive or deadbeats, or whatever. I realize that my wanting out because it's boring and passionless might sound selfish. But i don't know if I want the rest of my life to be with a man that is more of my friend than a spouse/partner. I make most of the decisions. Geez. i don't know.

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April 17th, 2010, 07:30 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
First of all, welcome. I'm Dani, the host here.
OK Most importantly, put it right out of your head that there is something wrong with wanting a good, fulfilling, happy and satisfying marriage. That's what we all want and deserve and it isn't selfish at all. You don't have to "settle" and I promise you that if you do, you WILL regret it later in life. I stayed in a bad marriage for 22 years because I was afraid to leave. He was emotionally abusive and controlling but didn't hit me until the last night of our marriage. I am now in a VERY good marriage with a man that makes my heart skip a beat every time I see him. It is night and day and the ONLY reason I am not kicking myself for not leaving my ex sooner than I did is because I probably would not have met Tom if I had--things worked out the way they were supposed to. You deserve that too. You deserve to be happy. If you're willing to, you CAN bring the spark back into your marriage but it takes both of you working on it. If either one of you doesn't really want to save the marriage then save yourself a lot of time and energy and end it now. Life is too short to be wasted!
As far as this new guy goes I strongly recommend you don't pursue it. The reason is simple: you need to spend some time on you figuring out what you really want. This is why so many people wind up having multiple divorces. When I divorced, I immediately started looking and magically found out that my ex wasn't unique! I managed to find men with the exact same mentality as his who looked nothing like him and came from different backgrounds--even came close to marrying one! THANK GOD I didn't or I would definitely be looking at another divorce. After that relationship ended, I spent some time on ME and figured out what it was that I was doing and what I wanted and more importantly, didn't want in a man. When I met Tom, I knew instantly that he was exactly the person I had longed for all of my life. He is night and day from my ex! So spend some time focusing on you and your baby and let some time pass. You'll be less likely to wind up in another unfulfilling relationship.
I hope that helps.
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May 8th, 2010, 04:40 PM
MarineWife03's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Havelock, NC
Posts: 1,175
Im new here too. As a matter of fact, I haven't even posted my story yet. You sound 100% like me. My husband has never been horrible or bad to me but the spark just isn't there anymore. Our sex life is horrible. It's been horrible for awhile too. Its nice to see Im not the only one out there feeling like this though. I'll have to post my intro in a bit.
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May 9th, 2010, 01:45 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
Funny how things work out...Im so sorry that everything is so 'blah' with dh but glad you both treat each other well!

My .02 on the new 'hobby' guy: Anything new can always cause those butterfly feelings...a new guy, a new car, a new anything. The newness always wears off, just as the honeymoon phase does, you know? And now you and dh have a little one coming.....tough call.

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May 9th, 2010, 05:10 AM
MarineWife03's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Havelock, NC
Posts: 1,175
Originally Posted by hopenot4gotten View Post
Funny how things work out...Im so sorry that everything is so 'blah' with dh but glad you both treat each other well!

My .02 on the new 'hobby' guy: Anything new can always cause those butterfly feelings...a new guy, a new car, a new anything. The newness always wears off, just as the honeymoon phase does, you know? And now you and dh have a little one coming.....tough call.


100% agree!
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May 10th, 2010, 11:22 PM
ZaydensMomma's Avatar Aaron Nicole
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Indiana
Posts: 16,454
I'm the same way.... it's hard going thru this... why does it have to be so hard... sighs. You can always PM me.

Age 36 with PCOS, poor ovarian reserve (.197), and blocked left fallopian tube.
We are TTC our 2nd blessing baby.
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