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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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April 26th, 2010, 05:55 AM
amberrose22's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Des Moines, Iowa
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My situation: I love at home with my 10 month old daughter and my husband. Things are not going well and haven't been. We've been doing counseling and it's not working. In a nutshell (I'm low on time) he is miserable and just doesn't love me anymore. He's been waiting for the "sparks" to rekindle and they aren't. I'm miserable both ways. I so badly want my daughter to have her parents together and happy and live a normal life with everything that it should be. But I'm miserable b/c he's making me miserable b/c when we fight (other times we are just fine) he says mean things like he doesn't know why he's here, he doesn't even want to hear me talk (he refuses to sit and talk), and he doesn't know why he's even here anymore.

I know why he's still here. He's been unemployed (with a 3 month temp job exception last year) since Libby was born. Granted, I couldn't afford everything without his unemployment checks, but I pay for him to do everything he does, healthcare, groceries, his gaming, everything. Why would he leave me right now. He wouldn't have a chance in hell in getting her.

Our house is no where NEAR being able to be sold. LOts of repairs, flooring, paint jobs, you name it.... I'm ashamed to have friends here let a lone someone trying to buy the place. Where do I start? I'm such a pack rat. I have so much crap. The thought of going through a heartbreaking divorce and having to do with a 10 month old and having all of this to pack just KILLS me inside. I don't have family here. Only a couple friends, who all have families and lives of their own.

I could move back home. But I would have to be able to afford my own place and get a job worth paying all the bills by myself. I would have free daycare for Libby that's about it. I just don't knwo what to do. I'm so lost, confused, hurt, lonely, scared. I need help
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April 26th, 2010, 01:06 PM
Shyann's_Mommy09's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 3,031
Oh hunny I dont have much time to write but your sitation sounds so much like mine. The only thing different is Im in your DH's shoes, I dont know what Im doing with my DH anymore and most of the time Im misserable when Im with him. We have done counceling and it was going ok and then all of a sudden he decided to not want to participate like he was before. I just feel like we have hit all the stops in the road and its time to just move on.

If your DH really feels the way that he does and nothing is helping it that just may be the problem. I know that sounds so mean and I dont mean it that way its just part of the reality of this whole thing. Divorce is in no way fun but you dont want to drag it on for your daughter if thats what the inevitable thing is going to be. Thats what is helping me get through this is knowing that what Im doing is whats best for my daughters life and for mine.

I have more I want to say but I have to go so I will get back to you later.

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April 28th, 2010, 03:14 AM
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It sounds to me like your husband has never really "grown up". Although I definitely realise that the job market isn't what it used to be, it's not exactly barren either. I literally took one month off from my old job and got a new one and I don't have all kinds of experience or degrees to get me there. I just desperately wanted a new job! Since he isn't working, why can't he do all those jobs around the house? Even if not to fix it up to sell--just so that you can have a home you can be proud of! Tackle your "pack rat" clutter one box at a time. Even if you don't move and you get your marriage back on track, wouldn't it be nice to get rid of all the excess that you don't need? Start in one room in your house--break that down into 4 corners, if necessary break the corners down to individual sections and just do one section a day. That's all. Just one. One dresser...one half of a closet...under the bed...whatever part you choose to take on, just do that one part. If it takes you ten minutes, then you're done in ten minutes. If it takes an hour, it takes an hour. Go through the stuff and put it in 3 piles--NEEDS, WANTS and CAN DO WITHOUTS. The last pile goes to goodwill or trash-depending on the condition of the items. The second pile you're going to go through again when you dispose of the 3rd pile and you're going to put it in either NEEDS or CAN DO WITHOUTS. Same thing...that pile goes. THen go through the remaining pile one more time dividing it up into NEEDS and CAN DO WITHOUTS. There are very few items that we can't live without and once you have gone through those piles a few times and spent time reclassifying, you'll be more inclined to do that second step in the first step and that CDW pile is going to wind up being the biggest one. When you have one room done, paint it, clean up the floor or replace it, make it look good and then move on. Take 5 minutes every day to survey the room and take care of anything that may have gotten moved out of place or "dirtied up" and it will stay clean and ready for ANYONE to see with minimal effort. It's OVERWHELMING to look at the big picture! So don't. Look at very small, easily doable snapshots and get those done. Before you know it, the "big picture" is a clean, ready to show, uncluttered home that makes you feel welcome and warm and perhaps happy to be there. Some people's moods are very affected by their surroundings--that's why we decorate. Men are no exception and although you both may SAY you don't much care how the place looks, the reality is if you're ashamed to bring friends over, that is not true. Get it cleaned up and looking nice and maybe it will change his attitude enough to save your marriage. And I am NOT saying you do all the cleaning. If he isn't working, he can do the painting and cleaning up of HIS stuff but I doubt you want him deciding what you get to keep and what gets thrown out! lol Most men would be like "What does she need all these bras for? OUTTA HERE!" lol Once the house is in order and looking good again, he needs to type up a resume and post it on the various websites for jobs--Careerbuilder.com, Monster.com, etc. He needs to make a commitment to spending at least two hours a day going through and applying online for different jobs as well as checking out any new postings on the sites. In this economy, you can't be too picky but at the same time, there are professional jobs out there as well. If he makes finding a new job his job, he WILL find one! I think you will find a dramatic change in his attitude once he does find one.
Hope that helps! HUGS!!
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