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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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June 18th, 2010, 07:36 PM
dettmer26's Avatar I have issues....
Join Date: Jan 2008
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Okay, so...after the initial couple weeks from hell, he has calmed down. IDK if it was just a shock, or what. But, ever since I got my own place, and he came back to the house, he has been very cooperative...and fairly considerate. He doesn't wanna take the kids as much as I thought he would. I am going to go back and document what I can, that has been suggested to me ALOT...and I am finally gonna listen. We have come up with custody agreement, we will have drawn up and notorized. We have also come up with a temporary support agreement (I am NOT happy about it, but we won't suffer b/c of it, so that is ok)...subject to change as soon as the house sells. Then, the kids will get more. I am going to have legal aide, they will help me out with a lawyer if needed. I really want full custody, but IDK if I could actually get it. I know it takes ALOT of proof and such, and since I never called the police, or got court orders against him...IDK if it is worth the struggle. I have my apt now, and am loving it! Freedom is great, tastes amazing...I feel so much better, and my kiddos can feel my release of tension. My son, Hunter, had been having screaming fits, and major tantrums. Since moving here, they have all but stopped. I think he was feeding off my stress. Poor kid! Makes me feel like a REALLY bad mother. But, it is getting so much better! I didn't take half of everything, and he fought me on taking both the washer and dryer (I consider those 1 thing, as they are a pair) and the mattress (it is a memory foam...lol...like sleeping on a cloud)...so, I agreed to take the washer and dryer, thinking it was far more important to have clean clothes for the kids than for me to sleep comfy. So...then I came to sign the lease, and low and behold the washer and dryer wouldn't fit! They are oversize, and the apt takes standard sized. So...had to renegotiate and say I was taking the mattress. Luckily we just got a washer and dryer for 50 bucks for the pair. Far cry from what I was used to, but that is ok! I am getting food stamps (was worried for awhile, b/c food was scarce...we ate a lot of eggs, LMAO)...and now have a huge supply of food, mostly meat! I was in shock over how much they gave me! Finally got internet hooked up (obviously, lol)...and am slowly getting to where I consider this home. Still need a carpet for the livingroom...and a few little things here and there. My father is helping me out sooooo much, he is just amazing, and my mother too! I am so blessed to have such wonderful parents! So, things are looking up. I still don't know how the legal aspect is going to all work out. I have to take him to court for medical support, but the social services lady told me the he just has to prove that he cannot afford to put the kids on his health insurance, and he may have to pay like 30-45 dollars a month towards medicaid. Then, we will all have excellent insurance coverage. Sometimes I cry, feel lonely and sad....and wonder if I have done the right thing. Then I think of all I have been through (the kids mostly) and know that I have. He and I are getting along MUCH better now, and I hope we continue to. Thanks for all your advice, ladies! I will keep in touch!

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June 18th, 2010, 11:29 PM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
Oh sweety! I am so happy for you! I know it has to be somewhat of a huge relief to start to feel settled and your children handling it well (if not better). As far as the legal aspect of it, although I do not have children so I cannot relate totally (but my STBX and I were trying for a year....per HIS request so I can see how things could have been if I had a child or if I was pregnant now) but I decided a long time ago that when I saw him befriending old friends we had cut ties with, I knew he was going to drag up an army of people to testify how awful I was and he was going to try every way imaginable to make sure I didn't get things that are entitled to me, I just gave up and have been preparing myself to get nothing. That way if things go badly, I'm ready for it (although it hurts to even think about) and if things go well, I will be even more appreciative. I say that because all this stuff is really left up to a judge to decide (which I think is crap, it should be a group of people not just a person).

I know how you feel about great parents. I remember when my STBX called the police & they took him to jail (and I work for the police department so I was hysterically because I was like, my co-workers are coming into my house, that was a wreck because I had been packing and moving things around so it was a literal wreck, and then to know that my co-workers were going to know my personal life was a complete wreck) but when he told me that he would be in jail for no less than 12 hours because since it was domestic violence related, that was a "cool down period". But then he stopped writing and looked me dead in the eye and said, slowly, "So...that...means...you...have 12 HOURS...to...do...WHATEVER YOU NEED TO DO BEFORE HE'S OUT." I got the point. But I still wasn't going to leave!!!! I feel so stupid now but I just walked around in circles in my living room and felt numb but then it hit me, if he came home and I wasn't there and my stuff was, he was going to destroy what mattered to me (I just got a visual of him busting my grandfather's antique china), if I was there we were going to get into it again or he'd just come and go as he pleased with him not even speaking to me, out all night and so on and I knew I had to leave. So I called my parents and asked if I could bring some stuff to store. They said sure, and how about I loaded up like one seat of stuff (I got all the electronics first lol) then when I told them I was leaving, my parents came over with my mom's car, dad's pickup & a utility and we loaded up my stuff and left before he ever thought about seeing daylight outside of jail. There were some things I left and if I could go back I would find someway to get them (maybe cry a little less when I went back to my parents, left sooner & not spend an hour walking in circles) but in less than 12 hours my whole life changed. It took me weeks to move in (with less stuff) but it took just a few hours to leave. But my parents have been great. My dad doesn't even want to hear STBX's name so my mom and I talk when he's not around because it has been really hard on me. But I felt like if my marriage failed, I had failed.

But I am so happy for you !!!! I am so glad that things are going better for you I think that is amazing and I think you had enough things to worry about so you deserve some peace. I hope it stays that way and make sure you keep us updated.

Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
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June 19th, 2010, 08:03 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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WOW! I am so happy that things have finally turned around for you! I'm glad that he worked with you and that you have so much wonderful support! (Aren't parents wonderful?) One thing I want you to commit to memory and understand completely and never ever forget--YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER!!!! I know it feels that way when you see the effects of your choices on your children but you are not a bad mother or you would not care how it affects them! Just the fact that it bothers you tells me what a good mother you really are! Bad mother's don't give a dammm how their choices affect their kids--they only care about themsselves. I know this because my hubby's ex is a bad mother. LOL You're a good mom and you should be proud of having made a choice that has made a better life for your kids. They may have a smaller home and it may take you longer to do laundry but they will learn so much from watching you handle things--to stand up for themselves, that they don't have to settle in life, that they deserve to be happy, etc.
You keep doing what you're doing...and be happy! Welcome to the next chapter in your life. This is going to be an exciting time for you. Enjoy it! You will have some lows and at times wonder what you're doing but you just keep trudging along and looking forward. Great things are coming your way! HUGS!
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