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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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July 24th, 2010, 07:47 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,628
Hi ladies, I am new to this part of the forum. My husband of 10 years is moving out and filing for legal separation within the month. We have known each other since we were 11, been friends since we were in high school and started dating when we were 20. He has never been involved or so much as kissed anyone else. We have 4 wonderful kids but most of our marriage has been rough. During our marriage he has been laid off 3 times plus suffered an industrial accident that took 2 of his fingers that led to PTSD and being jobless. Because of all that we have struggled financially and it didn't help that I only worked a couple of months during our entire marriage.

When i was pregnant with #4 he told me he was leaving me after she was born. This was really hard on me. A friend of mine ended up sharing this info with a mutual friend and he became my shoulder to lean on. When I was in the hospital after giving birth J told me he was going to stay. I ended up with post partum preeclampsia that messed me up for months. I didn't leave the house for weeks and it seemed like all my friends and family forgot about me except for K. He had been flirting with me but because he was a lot older and he is a flirty people by nature I didn't realize he was serious until one day I finally asked him. He said he wasn't sure that he had thought about it but we were both married. I stayed away from him for awhile and ended up tellling dh that I had developed feelings for K. He was hurt at first but then decided he wanted to fight for me. I told K that and he backed off and things were great between J and me for awhile. Then things went downhill again and he stopped sleeping with me and so I ended up turning to K.

J and I had a fight in the spring of 09 and I told him to leave and he did. After about a week he started coming over and we spent a lot of time talking. After we had been separated for about a month I confessed to my affair with K. I knew if we were going to reconcile he needed to know the truth. He was very hurt even though he had suspected all along. Eventually he decided he wanted to try to make things work and he moved back home after being gone for 3 months. Things went pretty well until November when he got laid off. We had a bad incident right before Christmas and he temporarily moved out again. We told each other no matter what happened we belonged together. He got called back to work in March, right around the time I decided I was going back to school. Then on Easter we had an arguement and he told me he was through.

Originally he planned to move out in May but then decided to stay until August when I could get a loan for school. When he stayed I thought maybe he was still having doubts. We talked about it and he said there was a very small chance he would stay with me but then in June he told me he didn't love me anymore and as far as he was concerned we were separated. J told me he wasn't looking for another relationship but then I found out he had joined an online dating service and for the past week he has been emailing and texting someone. They talked on the phone for the first time today and are going out next weekend.

I had asked him to stay until December when I would be closer to being done with school and he had been considering it. I was hoping it would give us time to try to work things out. But now it doesn't look like that is going to happen. He talked to his new friend and she is totally against him staying which I understand if they are trying to start a relationship. I just never thought he would really leave me. He seems to be happy now and I want that for him but it really hurts that there is someone else that is making him happy and he won't give me the chance to try. I have asked him to make sure he is really sure of what he wants before he leaves or at least before he files for divorce. At this point I think it depends on what happens with this new chick. After everything we have been though it is hard to believe it is over and I don't know how to handle being without him.
Amy mom to Abby 9 Cade 7 Zach 5 Makenna 3

Last edited by cat325; July 25th, 2010 at 08:43 PM. Reason: adding to post
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July 25th, 2010, 05:32 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
OK I am going to assume that by "turning to K" you mean you are having an affair with him. Does your husband know? Does K's wife know? Although I certainly understand how lonely it gets in a bad marriage, you have to stop and think to yourself "Is it just the lonliness or do I really love this man?" It's easy to get confused by the situation and mistake filling a void in your life for love. When we're married to someone and they stop giving us the compliments that they used to give and seem to take us for granted, it's easy also to feel an attraction to someone who flirts and makes us feel pretty and sexy. Keep in mind, that usually doesn't last when a relationship is well established. Once the newness wears off, both sides tend to take each other for granted--sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. You need to be absolutely certain you don't want your marriage anymore before you think about moving on because you will reach a point of no return where you CAN'T turn back and if you then realize that you want your husband after all, you will have sacrificed something very special. If you are absolutely sure there is no saving the marriage then get out BEFORE you start up with someone else. Give yourself time to grow and find out who you are and what you want before you bring someone else into the picture. Getting with someone for the wrong reasons will doom your relationship with them from the beginning and you don't want to have a bunch of failed marriages under your belt. You want a good relationship with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, who you feel good about being with and who your children can look up to. As parents, we need to remember that it isn't just about us anymore. We have a responsibility to set a good example for our children so that they learn what makes up a good relationship. They'll be more likely to have successful ones themselves if they learn from you how to do that. Right now they're very young but all too soon they're going to be old enough to understand about sex and boyfriends and girfriends. Your goal should be to find someone to spend the rest of your life with who can give all of you the stability and happiness you deserve.
Also keep in mind that they love you and their dad both and they're not going to understand why you two can't stay married. If they see another person come into one of your lives too soon, they are most likely going to blame that person and have a hard time bonding with them. Let them adjust and get used to you not being married before you bring in "a replacement" for their dad--which is what it's going to look like to them.
My best advice is to see if you can get your husband to go to counseling. Even if you aren't able to save the marriage, it will do both of you good to find out where you went wrong so you don't repeat the same mistakes the next time around. Given that you have known each other since you were kids and have been through so much, it just seems a shame not to do whatever you can to try to get things back on track. It sounds like both of you have been hurt in this and both of you have made mistakes. Understanding what went wrong is the best way to keep your relationship good even if you do wind up divorcing. You're tied to each other for life because you have these kids together. There will be school events, graduations, weddings, births, holidays...all of which each one of you is going to want to be part of and it will be SO much easier on everyone if you have a good relationship and can get along well. Even if you are getting along well now, divorce can change things as can custody and new relationships and jealousies...see where I am going?
I wish you the very best and I hope I didn't overstep with some of the things I said. Keep us posted on how things go!
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July 25th, 2010, 08:15 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,628
I had typed my previous post in a document and then pasted over here. I just realized it isn't all there. I will add the rest so it makes more sense and explains better.
Amy mom to Abby 9 Cade 7 Zach 5 Makenna 3
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July 28th, 2010, 12:42 PM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
My husband and I had been married for over 3 years but together for 11 and he decided he didn't love me anymore and found someone else. I had cheated once and he asked me to stay and I did and then 18 months later said he didn't forgive me and wanted a divorce. Only to find out he had been cheating with a woman he worked with, who had 2 kids from her husband, and he moved her in 2 weeks after I left.

As far as moving on, it seems like you already have someone so it doesn't seem that hard. You've already tried to work on your marriage and it didn't work. There comes a point when you realize there is no point and you have to stop wasting your time. I loved the idea of marriage and would have done ANYTHING for him to love me. I put up with a lot, I was mentally and physically abused and with a man who used me. But it didn't matter, and honestl deep down it still doesn't, I am so heartbroken that it hurts to breathe.

The most important thing you need to do is get a job to support your children and be able to provide a life for yourself and your children because asking him to stay until you are ready is not a good idea because you're just using him and he could end up resenting you. It is impotant that you worry about the custody agreements and legal aspects right now. I never ever thought my husband would leave me because I did everything he asked (and expected) me to do, he controlled me a lot, to what I could and couldn't wear, how short my hair could be, what color it could be, what color my nails could be, what kind of food I could cook and seeing their pics together, she's f&*king TRASH, the kind of people he talked about & weren't worth his time. But he's happy. I always wanted him to be happy but I think like you, I just never thought he'd be happy with someone ELSE.

Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
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