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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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August 2nd, 2010, 09:36 PM
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 223

Last edited by JustBreathe; August 4th, 2010 at 05:28 PM. Reason: *********
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August 3rd, 2010, 07:02 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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Welcome, Michelle.
It sure sounds like there are some very real problems in the marriage.
As far as the messiness goes, that is something that usually signifies how one feels about the state of their life--when your life is out of control, so is the house...when your life is in disarray, so is the house, when you're unhappy, the house reflects it by looking pretty "sad" etc. The fact of the matter is, when there are two people living in a home, they have to respect each other enough to BOTH keep it under control (unless neither cares about the state of the home in which case it can stay a mess) It's a matter of respect both for yourself and for your partner that you don't make each other's lives miserable because you're too lazy to do your parts. At the same time, since you're not working, a large part of it does fall on your shoulders. A good idea would be for the two of you to sit down and agree on which parts each of you is responsible for. His hoarding may be indicative of a psychological disorder which is out of his control right now and may need professional intervention or perhaps a prescription to help him get back in control. (My oldest son once suffered from OCD which manifested in an inability to throw anything away--hoarding. It was a miserable thing to live with but in his case it was easily controlled with medications and he has since learned how to stay on top of it. He has been symptom free for about 15 years now without medications) It also sounds as though he is addicted to his video games. This is an actual addiction and has come under medical scrutiny lately and is being researched and studied. It really sounds like your husband knows he has problems that need to be addressed but doesn't want to deal with them so he is hiding by refusing to go to counseling with you. Without him dealing with his problems, I don't see how you can get past this and have the "normal" life you crave. It just may be that like an alcoholic, he needs to hit bottom before he can accept that this is a problem he has to deal with and change or he will lose everything.
As far as the "mommy problem" I understand your frustration but you need to understand that this, again is not THEM...this is HIM. He is the one who is allowing them to control your lives and to dictate such things as having the cell phone on 24 hours a day and whether or not he goes to their house for dinner or yours to see you. The thing you need to understand and accept is that if you are to be married to this man, then as long as his parents are alive, they will be in your life to some degree. That's one of the things that we accept when we take on a spouse--we aren't marrying just one person. We are marrying into a family and just as he has to deal with yours to some degree, you have to deal with his. We don't always like that--I certainly didn't like going to my ex's house for dinners and parties where NO ONE would speak to me and everyone spoke a language that I didn't understand. Try sitting in a room where you hear your name and see people looking at you but have NO CLUE what they are saying about you...then someone says something to the effect of "It's not about you, it's about someone else named Dani"...yeah...sure...we'll go with that. It didn't get easier until we moved 3000 miles across the country. Even then I had to deal with the phone calls and messages I couldn't even delete because I had no idea who had called or what they said and it may have been important. We all have our crosses to bear and although it isn't easy to have to deal with them, they are a part of your family now. If he can't say anything to them, maybe you should. Let them know that on this day and that day, we spend quality time as a couple and would appreciate it if you didn't call during those times unless it is an emergency. I don't see anything wrong with her wanting to be able to get in touch with him during an emergency--I know I would certainly want my children around me if I had a heart attack or was in danger of dying. I don't think that is unreasonable. Now if she were calling and asking him to come over several times a week because she thought she was sick or having a heart attack, then that would be different. She's not. She's just afraid of not being able to say goodbye if something should happen to her. If she has health problems, it's even more understandable. As some people get older, the idea of dying alone scares them to the point of being unreasonable. Although she probably loves her husband and wants him there also, the concept of not being able to see her son one last time might be something she is struggling with. He may also worry about that. Think how you'd feel if the situation was reversed and it was your mother. Wouldn't you feel angry or hurt if he made fun of you for caring about her? He may need to do some growing up but belittling him about it is going to have the opposite effect--it will push him away from you and toward her. Try talking to him about how you are feeling.
The other thing is you mentioned being whiney and needy as though that is normal and acceptable behavior on your part. Although I certainly understand wanting some extra care and attention when you're sick, don't make him responsible for "mothering" you any more than you should allow him to make you responsible for "mothering" him. You're two grown people and need to take care of yourselves. When you do that, the extra love and attention you shower on each other becomes a show of love--not enabling bad behavior. If this neediness and whininess is something that happens often, I can tell you from my own experience that it gets OLD real fast and resentment builds up. When that happens, revenge gets ugly--such as not doing things that you're asked to do or helping with things you need to help with. It just may be his way of "getting back at you" for being so whiny and crabby. Nothing wrong with saying "Honey, can you rub my neck(and shoulders) for me. It really hurts today." It's when it becomes habitual and opportunistic and interferes with other people's enjoyment of life, THAT'S when the resentment thrives. What therapies have you tried for your CD? What type do you have? How long have you had it?
I hope that you don't take anything I have said here wrong. I only mean to help and I really hope this does that. I also hope you will continue to post here and let us know how things are going for you.
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August 4th, 2010, 12:18 AM
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 223

Last edited by JustBreathe; August 4th, 2010 at 05:29 PM.
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