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Forum: Divorce and Separation


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September 3rd, 2010, 01:04 PM
Tiny.Terror's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 721
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So here's the basics.
Married 2 years to a military guy.
TTC for several months - made some great friends on the boards!
One miscarriage before being married, one after he deployed.
We separated in May, I moved back into my parents' house to continue my education, but I feel a little lost. We had this whole life together, and now it's gone. I realize I'm young and still have many years ahead of me, but some days, that just doesn't help. Sometimes I can be a little irrational.
How do you cope with this kind of loss?
I'm pretty sure my negative emotions have been buried so deep I won't be able to deal with them correctly..
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September 5th, 2010, 09:08 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
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You have been through so much in such a short period of time I can certainly understand you're feeling confused and lost! You barely had time to mourn the loss of your pregnancies and deal with being alone while he's deployed and now this. No question you have been through the wringer emotionally and it's no wonder you're having trouble coping. Have you considered talking to a counselor? Is your husband currently deployed or is he home now? If he's home, would he consider marriage and/or grief counseling? I think that the two of you have been through a lot in the past 2 years but I don't think you've really given the marriage a chance (just based on what you said). Having a husband overseas where you are constantly worried about his safety is hard enough. Losing a baby that you wanted is tough to go through once let alone twice! Losing one while he is deployed must be even harder but going through ALL of that in just two years would strain any marriage, let alone one who had barely gotten off the ground. Perhaps if you two take a breath and find someone to help you through this all, you may be able to save your marriage--if you both want to of course. Otherwise I would say get into grief counseling on your own. It's so hard when you lose a pregnancy--I've lost 5-one stillbirth and 4 miscarriages. Sometimes friends and family seem insensitive with what they say in an effort to console you--"At least you never got to know it" "Good thing you lost them so now you don't have to worry about custody and child support" "At least you never loved it". I heard them all. The worst is probably "It was probably deformed or retarded anyway". Anyone who has not been pregnant or had a miscarriage doesn't understand that you lose not only someone you love and want, but all the hopes and dreams and desires that go with having a baby in the first place. From the moment you become pregnant with a planned for and wanted baby, it is not a fetus or an embryo but a BABY! It's a tiny little person that we cannot wait to meet. Losing it is devastating and it takes time to get over. You've lost two and from the sound of it, you haven't really had time to get past the loss of either one. Perhaps talking to someone might help.
I hope that helps you. I also hope you'll let us know how things go and what you decide to do.
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September 9th, 2010, 12:20 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: none
Posts: 1,133
I was married to the military too. We were also TTC our first after a tubal reversal and also had a loss. It did a number on our marriage. We couldn't really talk about it to each other but we both dealt differently. Things seem to go downhill from there, really...along with the struggles of military life in general. Had 2 kids 10 months apart and are now divorced and dont speak to each other unless it has to do with the kids.

I went back to school like you and got my certificate. I guess you just keep going hoping the pain will lessen. I am still not convinced that it lessens day by day, but rather year by year. You stay busy, but not too busy to not grieve or escape the process. You do things for yourself and decide if it's really worth it. Maybe you have regrets on some things and maybe some you don't. I still hurt over my divorce and he left me in 2008, but our divorce was final this year. I filed because he wouldn't, and sometimes I regret it, but mostly I don't. You can tell when forgiveness has not overcome wrongs by short fuses and unrealistic expectations, I think.

I feel for you. I really do. Just keep going, forgive yourself, forgive him, and all will eventually be well with in you. And in the end, that's all that matters. I'm still working on letting go of some areas of my unforgiveness. For the past two years, I just vented, screamed, and cried here. I dont regret it. I can look back and see my own growth, see how far I have come, remind myself where I was, where I dont want to be again, and it's real. Real emotions...and completely irrational with an occasional bad mouth. REAL. And I dont care.

Do whatever helps you during this time. Whatever is positive for you. At least you have your whole life ahead of you, like you say....that's worth a lot.

Stay as strong and as positive as possible. That always brings hope.

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