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My Ex just had his baby girl

Forum: Divorce and Separation


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September 1st, 2011, 05:59 AM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
So he & his new girlfriend just had their baby girl. I left last January and our divorce has been final for 13 months so it isn't like it's a surprise. I guess the fact that seeing the photos and knowing he's in a place I always dreamed of, soon-to-be wife, home & family, and I'm not is just harder than I thought it would be.

When I first saw the pics it didn't hurt as much as I thought. But it's started to sink in. Seeing him holding his beautiful baby girl & him looking down at her with such love & admiration. Seeing her sleeping on his chest as he's sleeping in the recliner. Just looking at it thinking it should have been me, why isn't it me, why wasn't I enough.

I wanted to put on Facebook, "I know I shouldn't care but it hurts being the 'almost but not quite' girl". The other night I posted something like "The difference between you and I is that I can wish you well & wish you the best (& your new family) & be happy for you, even though you have everything I thought I wanted. I'd rather have nothing without you than the entire world with you." But after I told my mom she made the comment, "Don't even put anything on Facebook because you know they're looking, so you need to make it like you couldn't care less" Which is better than confessing to the internet world that I am at the breaking point.

I don't know if I can really do this. I have found a new song that I've listened to on repeat for days, which is 'Someone Like You' by Adele because it says in the beginning "I heard that your dreams came true, and she gave you things I couldn't give to you".

I'm just not hanging on very well. I don't think I can make it, and to be totally honest I don't know if I want to. I'm not strong enough anymore and I feel like I'm done hanging on--to everything. That I've been trying to hold on with a death grip and I'm becoming ok to just let go and give up. I don't know what that really means but I don't care about anything anymore (a huge part of that is my chronic ongoing issues with my ankle transplant....too long of a story) but I'm at a point now I'm beyond a "low patch". I was already depressed due to not being able to walk and I know I shouldn't have looked at the pics but I knew she was pregnant so I knew I was going to do it regardless.

I just feel like it should have been me. It should be me in that house, it should be my nursery, it should be his family is so happy with and it should be my child they are so in love with. I just can't do this anymore.

Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
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September 1st, 2011, 08:42 AM
Coley's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Myerstown, PA
Posts: 11,181
Oh man. I have no words other than I'm so sorry. I can only imagine the pain you're feeling right now.

Please know that you're surrounded by girls who you and are there for you...

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September 25th, 2011, 08:38 PM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2

I am so sorry for what you are feeling right now. I do know the pain of someone else having the life that you have dreamed of.

As a divorce coach for women, what I tell my clients is, focus on you and your needs. I know that the temptation to look at the photos was overwhelming, but I am going to ask you: What good could come of you seeing them? Will it enhance your healing or put you back?

It is so easy to be stuck in our pain and drown in the what if's. I hope that you can find a way, instead, to find purpose in your pain and know that you deserve an incredible life. To create the life you dream of and have a husband who you can create that dream life with. Do not give up. Believe that you are worth it!!

Spend time taking care of you and nurturing your needs. Create a vision of what you want your life to look like. I would suggest that you work really hard to spend your energy on your own healing and not your ex and his new life.

I am divorced, as well, from my childhood sweetheart. We were together for 21 years. During and after the divorce, well meaning friends and family, would update me of my ex's life with his (mistress, turned gf). It caused me nothing but emotional grief and kept me from moving forward. Eventually a very good friend of mine said to me, what I mentioned above, "What good can come from you knowing about his life?" The answer was none. It caused me pain and kept me stuck. From that moment on I set boundaries with anyone wanting to share and with myself, that his life was none of my business. That shifted everything. So please, give yourself that gift.

I'm so sorry for your hurt, but I hope that you can move forward and recognize all the blessings on your path. Believe in yourself and do not let your divorce define your life. There is a great life waiting for you!!! xo

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September 27th, 2011, 08:31 AM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 7
I agree with your Mom about keeping how you feel off of FB.

I also want to let you know that there is someone out there for you. First of all, concentrate on getting yourself to the point where you feel good about you. That is all that matters right now. As long as you are focused on them and their life, you are not living your own life. Eventually you will be able to look back on this day and feel good about your current life.

And you don't know for sure they are happy. It could be a momentary thing with the excitement of the baby. Pictures don't tell everything.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor for yourself?

How old are you? (Just trying to get a feel for the situation.)
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