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It's Been Years & I Just Can't Let Go

Forum: Divorce and Separation


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January 8th, 2012, 08:17 PM
Brandielou's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Alabama
Posts: 2,178
We've been divorced since Aug 2010 but I still feel I haven't come very far. We were only married for 4 years but together for 10. I moved by home with my parents, I'm 25 and feel like I haven't accomplished anything. He said we were TTC, failed that after a year, then I found out he only wanted to have kids with me because his grandparents were going to give a cash bonus to the first grandson who produced a great-grandson. I didn't finish college, can't finish right now because I'm in debt from the divorce & trying to learn how to live by myself. At least I have a job but I want so bad to finish school and move into my own place but I don't see how it's possible. No credit, not a lot of money to spare because paying debt off, and I'd have to buy stuff like furniture & appliances because he kept all that.

I just want the life I dreamed of and right now I'm just so depressed over being stuck I wonder if it would have been better if I had just stayed. Stayed through his cheating and physical abuse (that ended up landing him in jail), the brainwashing and lies and emotional games.

I'm so lonely. I'm lonely not for just someone, but for THAT someone who will make me feel the love in that dark hole in my heart. THAT person who wants to be a better person for me, and me for them. I want the person who gives me butterflies & makes it hard to talk, but mostly I want the person who gets excited at the thought of my sleeping in the same bed with him everynight, that we'll have a nursery to build together, that gets excited when he see's my car pull up at home every night.

It's times like this I think I miss him. I know he's happy with his family but I guess the problem was I still loved him when I found out he has another life. I never expected this to happen and I thought I would be so much more grown up & moved on by now. What if this is it? What if it is going to be like this for years to come? I always think that in the years ahead I'm going to be this totally different person, one that I wouldn't even recognize today but what if that's not it? What if it just stays like this? What if I never find him, what if it never works out, what if there's never a house to decorate or baby clothes to buy? What if I never lay in his arms and cry from the indescribable happiness? :/ (corney as it sounds, that's what I want)

Thank you HeatherW for my beautiful siggy!
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January 11th, 2012, 09:36 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: long island, ny
Posts: 1,247
i know how you feel. i felt that way 2 1/2 yrs ago and then i found my hubby, things wont be easy, i'm not going to say it happens when u least expect it, b/c i dont believe in that. it happens when your life is ready to fit another person in it. you have to work on yourself and everything will all come together lol i should take my own advice, we've been ttc 7 mths and nothing, i feel so empoty, i have a son from a previous relationship. i would love to give my hubby a childf of his own. he has low sperm count and it scares me, what if i'm unhappy that he can never get me pregnant...i'm so negative its not good to be... sorry rambling...i wish you all the best..

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January 12th, 2012, 12:19 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310
I think you need to focus on where you are going instead of where you were. Focus on today & building your new life. Don't focus on what you don't have or should have. If you focus on yourself & what you do have the rest will come.

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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January 18th, 2012, 12:07 AM
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 6
Im new to the boards. My marriage was abusive also. I have been divorce since 2008 and I'm still trying to get back on my feet. I have gone back to school though but with now I can't do what I went to school for due to an injury. Life is full of surprises. Lol You are definitely better off divorced if he was abusive but it is hard. My ex hasn't stopped playing games but at least it's not a daily battle to get through it. Maybe you can find a hobby that you enjoy to bring some happiness back to your life. Don't get discouraged, you will be able to get where you want to be in time! If you ever wanna talk feel free to message me!
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February 27th, 2012, 10:50 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,268
I feel the same as you at times I have a wonderful man that stepped up and is great to me and treats my 3 little ones like they are his own. But there is always that missing piece to the puzzle and I feel like it will never fit perfectly. I was married for 10 years many of those years was spent being treated like a dog, put down, hit many, many things but towards the end of our marriage he went and got help. I didnít think it was possible but he became almost perfect he never got mad about anything was totally different. But to make a long story short here I am I have someone that loves and cares for me and I canít seem to let go of the past we filled for divorce the other day and it will be final in about 2 months. But that honestly makes me sad feeling like it will all be gone. But i know that I need to let it go and work on what I have and build a further with this person that has only loved and cared for me. I KNOW I need to but it is very hard.

Last edited by asteele; February 27th, 2012 at 10:54 AM.
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February 29th, 2012, 01:44 PM
TeresaMomTo2Boys's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Lewisville Texas
Posts: 3,765
Brandie, I can't say I am in your shoes but I am in a similar situation. I was married for 6 years and together for 8. I on the other hand have a 5 year old with my ex. We have only been divorced for almost a month. I loved him...I still love him. I couldn't love him the way he wanted because he was always going out to strip clubs, hanging with other girls, looking at porn, etc. I feel he only wanted me around to be a nanny to his son (my step son) and our kid as well as be a housekeeper and keep the house cleaned. We divorced because he was sneaking around with one of my so called friends and then turns out he also had a girlfriend before the divorce was final. He keeps asking why I can't let go and just move on. Why I can't find closure. It's hard to move on when you know that is what was normal. Living on your own, trying to find a job, paying all the bills, etc without any help from your spouse is hard. Waking up to an empty bed, making dinner for one, etc is hard. It is not what you are used to.
I too can't go back to school for I have over $9k in student loans to pay off. I also just lost my job weeks after moving into my own place. It is hard. I also only see my son every weekend and that in itself is depressing. I get very lonely. I see my son's bedroom and his bathroom and I pray that he was here with me. I wish he was here with me. That room and his bedroom, to me, mean he should be here with me....not with my ex.
All I can tell you is to start working out, start a routine that involves you....get your nails done, hair done, go out with your girlfriends, hang with your parents/family, go to clubs and meet new people, etc. Start doing things for yourself. Maybe even go online or to local home department stores (Lowes, Home Depot) and learn things so that way you are no longer dependent on your ex to do things for you or wishing he was there to do it. Make yourself proud by fixing a leaky faucet, mounting a shelf to the wall, hanging a photo on the wall, fix a clogged toilet, etc. You can do it. Focus on yourself. It will take time and I am not over my ex either but I am working on myself and trying not to focus on him. Although it is hard as I see him every weekend and talk to him every week because we have a child together.

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October 2nd, 2012, 01:21 AM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 13
People say that if you haven't been married long that the divorce shouldn't hurt as much. I have to say that isn't true. I was married for only a year and a half when my ex-husband decided he didn't want to be married anymore. It came out of nowhere and he just walked out less than 2 hours after coming home from work. Divorce is never easy and it hurts like hell.
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