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Forum: Divorce and Separation

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  #1  
July 2nd, 2018, 09:18 PM
Peridot's Avatar Newbie
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Westchester NY
Posts: 3
Hi. I am a 48 year old married mother of 8 year old girl twins. Married to a verbally abusive narcissist for 12 years, temper bad in last 8 years. Told him in June '18 I contacted a lawyer for divorce. Now he's Mr. Sweet guy. Wants to work it out. But I don't quite trust this turn around--why couldn't he do that before, when I tried everything to get him to understand?--I am also not attracted to him anymore. No sex life for years either. He has hypothyroidism..could be a factor. What do I do? I want to go. Will it scar my sweet girls? He keeps saying divorce will screw them up and I'm really afraid to hurt them.


PS we also live with his mom, and I can't stand her.
But I manage to love life and laugh . . .
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  #2  
July 3rd, 2018, 06:54 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
Peridot, Have you ever sought marriage counseling? And is he being treated for his hypothyroidism? I may be old fashioned, but I don't really believe in divorce. I understand if he's verbally abusive but I would do everything in my power to save my marriage for the sake of my children. I know that once things take a negative turn, it seems like reconciliation is impossible. But I know several couples who committed to healing their marriages and working on them. They stayed together and admit they are happier than they ever thought they could be. Please, for your girls, don't give up on your marriage.
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  #3  
July 4th, 2018, 09:57 AM
Peridot's Avatar Newbie
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Westchester NY
Posts: 3
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pinkroses88 View Post
Peridot, Have you ever sought marriage counseling? And is he being treated for his hypothyroidism?


Yes, We've done counseling twice, the first time the therapist separated us (individual sessions) after about 5 sessions, because hubby was yelling DURING sessions, and we weren't getting anywhere. The second guy said "yelling is never okay" and advised joining an anger management group, which hubby never looked into. Then that therapist took another job, so that was cut short.
He has been and is being treated for the thyroid; levels should be normal. He needs to take care of his nutrition though, which he doesn't, and he smokes like a chimney, with the kids in the car (I won't let him smoke in the house)
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  #4  
July 10th, 2018, 02:49 PM
Newbie
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
think of it this way. Kids will be impacted no matter what you do so don't let him guilt you into staying if you don't want to. Kids are better off in a happy home with one parent then an unhappy home with 2. They feel the stress and anxiety/ hostility of home life even if they don't say anything. I separated from my ex over a year ago, a few months ago my son spoke to the school counsellor about how he was feeling and he told her his home life is peaceful now. I swear I broke down crying, I didn't know he felt our home was not peaceful. Even if you only fight when they sleep it seeps into their subconscious.

Do what's best for you and your kids. Make sure you're happy. Happy parents make for happy kids, and get the kids talking to someone about their feelings because they bottle it all up inside because their afraid of hurting you.


I haven't filed for divorce so I have no idea what the other side feels like, I just left him because of all the yelling, anger and emotional abuse he put me through. I was at a point it was either my sanity or the marriage that had to go and only one could survive.
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  #5  
July 13th, 2018, 05:49 AM
MindyRambo's Avatar Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Quebec, Canada
Posts: 837
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pinkroses88 View Post
Peridot, Have you ever sought marriage counseling? And is he being treated for his hypothyroidism? I may be old fashioned, but I don't really believe in divorce. I understand if he's verbally abusive but I would do everything in my power to save my marriage for the sake of my children. I know that once things take a negative turn, it seems like reconciliation is impossible. But I know several couples who committed to healing their marriages and working on them. They stayed together and admit they are happier than they ever thought they could be. Please, for your girls, don't give up on your marriage.


I believe this is awful awful advice. Children aren't stupid and they would rather their parents be apart than miserable together.


I'm sorry but an abusive narcisisst doesn't change.
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You think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you, but if you walk the footsteps of stranger, you'll learn things you knew... you never knew.
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  #6  
July 23rd, 2018, 09:15 AM
Newbie
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peridot View Post
Yes, We've done counseling twice, the first time the therapist separated us (individual sessions) after about 5 sessions, because hubby was yelling DURING sessions, and we weren't getting anywhere. The second guy said "yelling is never okay" and advised joining an anger management group, which hubby never looked into. Then that therapist took another job, so that was cut short.
He has been and is being treated for the thyroid; levels should be normal. He needs to take care of his nutrition though, which he doesn't, and he smokes like a chimney, with the kids in the car (I won't let him smoke in the house)
How are things going?
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