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August 1st, 2011, 12:20 AM
Mommy2Addy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 3,145
I am so frustrated right now and I just don't know what to do. I'm hoping that you all can give me some sort of clarity or advice or a smack to the head...something to figure this out. I have got to be in the most complicated relationship (or non-relationship) ever and it is driving me nuts!

I met this girl 5 years ago when we were neighbors in the same apartment house. We quickly became best friends. In the years since we moved away and I had Addy but we stayed close. It wasn't until after we moved away that we discovered things about each other that we didn't know, including us being gay (we were both dating guys before and trying to "act" straight). And as I shared a while back, we started talking and uncovered hidden feelings for each other as well. She had no idea that I had a crush on her from almost the moment we met, even though I thought she was straight.

Anyway, she has been dating this girl who is horrible. She is abusive and it kills me that they are together. So once we started talking about how we felt about each other we decided that when she could, she would leave this girl and come stay with me for a while and we would be able to finally be together. She needs to stay there to work at her job and pay off some school loans before she can leave...which I totally support.

However, she told me a couple weeks ago that now she feels like she wants to work things out with this girl because she has promised to change and is going to do all these things for her. I've tried so hard to help her see that it's not going to work and that staying is a bad idea. I know I can't really do much else. I can't force her to leave. I don't want her to resent me or to feel like she has regrets later. But I know that I can love her so much better and give her so much more.

There are times that I just want to scream it at her, reach through the phone and shake her and say why can't you see that you belong with me and not her. We are kindred spirits. We are so much alike and when we are together it is just like true chemistry. We both feel the same way and yet I have to hold back because I don't want to do anything that she doesn't want because she is still technically with someone else. I haven't even been able to tell her that I love her. I tell her that I care about her, but that doesn't even come close. I love her. I'm in love with her...so much that this whole mess is enough to drive me mad.

I just don't know if I should tell her this stuff or not. I want her to know just how much she means to me. I think about her 24/7...literally!! I dream about her every night. I get no relief. I've got it bad for her. What do I do??

Missing my angel babies 5/23/02, 5/1/05, 9/6/06, 10/11/06, 3/10/10

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August 5th, 2011, 07:27 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,618
ugh i'm so sorry you are in this situation - and that your friend is.. an abusive relationship isn't easy to leave, and sadly when they say they're "going to change" - they rarely do. I've watched my aunty for 15 years leaving and going back to the same loser because "he's really goign to change this time"... whatever....

all you can really do is be there for her when it all falls apart because it will.... having been in an abusive relationship, you don't really see how bad they were for you until you've left them for good - and sometimes that never happens....

I hope your friend gets out of there

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August 5th, 2011, 10:59 PM
Mommy2Addy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Indiana, USA
Posts: 3,145
Thanks. Yeah, I know that all too well. And I think that's part my problem. I lived through an abusive relationship for 5 years before I got out. Now I can see everything that was wrong. And the parallels between her relationship and the one I was in are uncanny. I try so hard to give her advice and make comparisons and try to give her the benefit of my experience, but so far it's not working.

On a positive note. Two nights ago I talked to her and I couldn't take it anymore, so I finally just told her about my feelings. I confessed everything to her. She was surprised at how strong my feelings were, but said it made things make so much sense. And that she wish she had known a long time ago. But I feel so much better with it all out in the open. We talked about the time that she plans on staying where she is. I asked her if she had a plan or if was just going to be indefinite. She said she is sort of just waiting to see what happens. But I am pushing her to decide that if she doesn't see a certain amount of improvement or behavior in x amount of months, then she's gone. She agreed that she could do that.

I'm going to visit her later this month or early next month and hopefully we can really talk about it then.

Missing my angel babies 5/23/02, 5/1/05, 9/6/06, 10/11/06, 3/10/10

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