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Do you think it's "wrong" to keep it a secret?

Forum: LGBT Mommies and Mommies to be


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  • 1 Post By Gaby&Emmy'sMama

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March 6th, 2012, 10:24 PM
krissy1989's Avatar is loving her two boys!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: The Mountains
Posts: 8,110
Even if I ever became totally dissatisfied and left my husband, I'm afraid I could never be 100% happy in a relationship with a woman since I would want to keep it from my family. I wouldn't feel right telling this person whom I might have grown to love, to pretend to be my roommate or something. It feels degrading to her, like her love isn't important enough to me to be open about it. I just hate that my own family is so judgmental and un-supportive. I don't want to cause my children tension with their grandmother (my mom), or make it awkward to attend holiday events. I just wish I had an entirely different life sometimes (with my children, of course).

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March 6th, 2012, 11:35 PM
Galactic Som's Avatar is some kind of something
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 147
I'm just throwing this out there, 'cause I don't really know your family. But, do you think it would be at all possible if you went ahead and got into a relationship with another woman, that your family would love you and love seeing your kids enough that they would at least try to make it work out? I know the whole support unconditionally wouldn't really be an option, but I'm not too sure that they would just kick you out of the family, ya know?

But, the reason that this causes so much concern with me... is that I've personally lived through a situation where my parent only truly at heart stayed in a relationship because she thought it would be best for her kids. Now here we are so many years later and she's really because a very bitter shell of what she use to be. It's really an unfortunate thing to observe.

Just something to think about, I guess. But, to answer your question... I really do think it's wrong. Anything holding someone back from showing who they really are is something I personally really resent. But, I guess that's more on others hate that holds people back.

Last edited by Galactic Som; March 7th, 2012 at 12:00 AM.
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March 7th, 2012, 12:27 AM
krissy1989's Avatar is loving her two boys!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: The Mountains
Posts: 8,110
Well, when I came out to my mom, I was 17. I was trying to have my first real date with a girl whom I'd met online. Like you said, I figured my mom would just get over it and love me. But she would become FURIOUS if she thought I was on the phone with "that girl," and I was pretty much walking on eggshells for the next couple weeks until I decided to pretend it had never happened. I know that my mom loves me, but a person can love someone without choosing to be close to them, and I truly feel like she would never feel comfortable around me again. I mean, I'd be stepping RIGHT ON her religious beliefs, and I know how strongly she believes them. If she were a laid-back Catholic who only went to church twice a year, I might think twice. But as a parent, I can't imagine the sorrow she would go through when she actually believes I would live in eternal torment if I were in a homosexual relationship.

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March 11th, 2012, 11:40 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,618
Talking purely hypothetically of course, but you may find that if you found yourself in that situation, and was in love enough with the woman, that telling your family wouldn't be as scary as it seems right *now*...
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March 13th, 2012, 08:41 PM
Gray Sea's Avatar I love Disneyland
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 2,080
I don't know that it's wrong...but I can see when you're not open about it, might make your partner resentful.

If I were in that relationship with you, I think I wouldn't pressure you to come out. I'd love it if you did, but I'd give you time to do it on your own terms, and comfort zone.
I wouldn't want to be in a closeted relationship for the rest of my life, or the life of the relationship.
If you and your mom are super close, and so are your children with her...I wouldn't want you to ruin that, but, eventually, you would have to be honest with her.
Ya know? I think it's all just in time.

Thank you Tasha_Mae for my spooky siggy
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March 13th, 2012, 09:49 PM
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Coffee Capital
Posts: 421
Personally, I could never been in the closet in a relationship. I went through literal pain and suffering coming out, I was gay bashed, I had family memebers refuse to talk to me, even my own father said while he loved me he couldn't be ok with me being gay, needless to say it didn't take too terribly long for him to change his tune and he's been quite the proud PFLAG dad since (thank you step-mom for that one!). It was hard, and I can't go back in. Plus I'm not sure I'd even pass for straight anymore. Occassionaly a misguided boy hits on me, but usually they think I'm a cute little twink before they realize I'm girl and they like boys. Opps.

I will tell you, my own hardcore catholic grandmoter was setting up on dates with boys until my wedding day. She was going to turn me straight come hell or high water. Then we got Robyn. Her great-grandchild. It took time but she's stopped the fire and brimstone and decided that God is probably cool with us, and that if the Pope has an issue he can talk to her directly (everyone thinks I get my attitude from my mom, I think some of it comes from grandmother too). However, my wife's mother has sent back pictures of our children with notes saying things along the lines of "I'll pray for these children, but as this woman is no longer my daughter, they are not my grandchildren", and those are the nice notes. So I can see both sides of the coin. We both came out as teenagers, we didn't have kids to think about at the time, and DW really didn't think her own mom would really toss her out of the house (she was expecting a lot of prayers with a priest and being generally ignored until high school graduation).

If you do decide to have a relationship with a woman one day, you have consider all sides. Be open from the start with her, decide what you'll tell your kids, cause if anyone will out you it will be the children, and figure out if at any point you can be honest about your relationship. Even if your mother severs the relationship between the two of you, she might still want one with your children. Not ideal of course, but it is something to keep in mind.
Athena and Angel
Mama and Mommy To
Robyn 6 12/05, Regan 5 10/06
Gerard 3 12/08 and baby Daria 05/11
And expecting baby number 5 this fall!

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March 15th, 2012, 07:02 PM
Clay and Carson's mommy
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 14,152
to you. I agree with what the others have said
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March 16th, 2012, 03:51 PM
krissy1989's Avatar is loving her two boys!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: The Mountains
Posts: 8,110
Thanks, ladies! I agree with what everyone has said, and that's why it's so hard. I've been kind of obsessing about what it would be like with a woman, and I need to stop, because it's only depressing me. I don't know when I'll get the courage to be honest with my family like I would need to be.

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