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My ectopic loss

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January 8th, 2010, 12:29 PM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: North Texas
Posts: 12,914
Hi, I am Nikki (28).
I have had 3 losses, 2 natural m/c just before 6 weeks with each, and my ectopic loss at 6w exactly.

I copied this from the pg loss exp subform as I wrote it a while ago while everything was still fresh in my mind:

I was diagoniced with my ectopic on 10/01/07 after bleeding all weekend thinking I was having another m/c. I had surgery at 6pm on 10/2/07 to remove my ectopic. I cried all day up until the doctor gave me something to help me "relax" before my surgery. I felt so horrible that I was knowingly ending my childs life. The u/s showed no heartbeat at 5w 6d and I had my surgery at 6w exactly so I was praying that my baby would not feel anything.

When I woke up from my surgery around 9pm on 10/2/07 DH told me the best news I have ever heard. The doctor stated that though he had to remove my right tube due to damage that he found no 'fetal tissue' in the sac. I was and still am so happy about that. While I still morn the baby that we could have had I feel so blessed to know that my child never even left Heaven.

I feel very confused on my feelings. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I am just so glad that God knew that something was not right that He stopped my child from forming. But at the same time I am sad. We really wanted this baby. Although this loss does not feel like the other 2 I am still greiving. And I feel like giving up my right tube for an empty sac was a great trade.

My head feels so messed up! I feel bad for being happy but I feel bad for being sad. I know I will feel normal agian eventually but I just feel so mixed up inside.

Two years later I still feel so much guilt about my ectopic loss. I still struggle with the thought that I ended my childs life so I could live. And while I logically know that the bad would not have grown and survived in my tube my heart still can't accept this.

I have good days and I have bad days. But overall I have been blessed with a sence of peace over my losses.

I am sorry for every other women who has had a loss and/or an ectopic. It is a terrible pain for any mother to have to go though.

Please PM me if you ladies need anything.


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January 10th, 2010, 05:11 AM
~InHisHands~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: US - Alabama
Posts: 12,675
Wow! Thank you for sharing your story! I couldn't even imagine & I hope I never have too! You are such a strong person, Nikki!

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