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New TS feeling Frustrated!

Forum: Surrogate Mommies


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March 27th, 2009, 11:50 PM
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: California
Posts: 1

I'm a new TS and working independently with great couple. I am thrilled to be a surrogate and have put 110% of myself into giving them the long awaited family they've been dreaming about.

We are doing at home AI. The IM is using a speculum (first couple tries monitored by their Doctor friend). We have been trying for 5 mos.

My frustration: I feel like I'm more dedicate to the process than they are at times. They are a 5.5 hour drive from me and the last couple cycles I have gone to them. At first I was clock work regular and it was very easy to predict my ovulation and plan. The last couple cycles I was a little late ovulating.

I have taken time off work (without pay since I'm out of PTO). Last cycle I was there for five days and no ovulation. I had to go home. The VERY next morning after I got home my monitor peaked. I literally got right in the car at 7:30am and drove right back up there for an insem and turned around and drove home the same day. In all I drove 17 hours in a 24 hr period.

Not pregnant. This cycle I'm due to ovulate a week from today. I can't take more time off work so I offered to come most of the way on Thursday evening and have them drive a mere 2 hours to met me, do an insem and drive home.

They are not willing to do it and want to just skip this month because they have been stressed with work.

I feel like I'm putting something into this every single day with the charting, checking my cervix, peeing on sticks, eating right, taking vitamins and exercising to prepare my body for pregnancy & carrying a healthy baby for them. All I need is for them to show up once a month on the critical ovulation days.

It bothers me because I've put so much into this and have been so easy to work with and I'm not getting the same level of dedication from them. I offered to do this at home so no Dr's fees, I didn't insist on an escrow account so no escrow manager fees for them. I always thinking of their wallet.

I've put so much time into research to be sure we have the best chance each month. I never even told them that I took all that time off without pay (I lost over $1,000 in wages). Now they want to skip this month and it makes me feel like all the mental energy I have put into preparing for this insem was a waste of my time.

They want me to take clomid (which I guess I'm okay with, but again it's another potential risk for me).

I guess I'm a little hurt that I have done so much and they almost seem to not realize it and I feel like they are starting to take me for granted.

There are a few more little things eating at me. The speculum insems are a little tough. IM is not a Dr so at times it is pretty uncomfortable not to mention pretty embarrassing and humiliating for me to be naked and sprawled out for her. I never let on to her that it's an issue. Just the opposite in fact. I constantly tell her she is doing a great job and try to be encouraging so she is comfortable even though it is really uncomfortable for me. To sorta reeve my self up for it, I try to make a joke (I'm a total clown) and bring some levity to it and my IM just won't even kidd with me about it. It's almost like it's some dreaded "chore" for her that she just wants to get over with and she has even mentioned that it has grossed her out. That makes me feel even worse.

I know everyone will say that I just need to have a dialogue with them, but what if I create drama and hurt feelings when saying nothing and sucking it up could be better and I can just vent here to get my frustrations out.

Thanks for listening and any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

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March 28th, 2009, 05:50 PM
Mommy to a Princess!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 483
Hi there, I am a FIM.

I think that sometimes, if someone is quick to offer to do things, people can just think that the person doesn't mind if they aren't told otherwise.

Failed cycles can be extremely frustrating for SM's and IP's and I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. It sucks and there are just so many emotions that are associated with them. For you and then from your IP's. They have probably had a long journey to get to where you guys are and it's really easy to loose hope and stay positive. I am not saying that what is going on is all their fault or yours, it's just the nature of the situation that you guys are all in. Surrogacy is not always easy and sometimes IP's look at surrogacy as their saving grace.

I think that you and your IM are incredibly brave to do the home insems the way that you are doing. As you said, she is not a Dr. and I can be honest and say that I wouldn't have been able to do that if I were doing TS. But in a way, you are helping her to be more a part of the process and no matter how hard and awkward it is, try not to forget that and how important it is that you are including your IM.

I really do think that you should start to talk about some of your feelings. I know that a cancelled cycle is so disappointing but at the same time, you don't know what's really going on with your IP's from the lack of communication. Maybe they are sad or discouraged and are losing hope. That's why as a team it is so important to support one another. They probably don't realize what is going on and I know that's disappointing but they are only human. There are going to be bumps in this journey - sometimes big ones, sometimes small ones but it's how you all handle it as a team that's important. If you keep the little things in and you hit a big bump, your whole relationship is in jeopordy.

Hang in there and I hope that things will get better. That BFP will make all of these bumps worth it.

Thank you Amy (dizneenut) for my gorgeous siggy!!!!
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May 4th, 2009, 01:30 PM
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 3
Hi, I am new to this and would love to be a surrogate. I think you are a very patient woman. I would be thinking what the baby would go through after and I probably would not want them as the intended parent for a baby that I would carry. I understand why you are feeling frustrated. I give you a lot of props. Also, how are you doing this procedure if she is not a doctor? I am very confused on that part.

Good luck hun.

Last edited by baby4u; May 4th, 2009 at 01:44 PM.
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May 26th, 2009, 11:37 PM
jhappy36's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Maine, USA
Posts: 1,916
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I am a retired 2x surrogate and got pg through "home" AI's myself. Timing is definitely the key for sure. I am so sorry you've had so many failed cycles. I definitely suggest talking to your IPS.

If you are able to fix things great. If you aren't on the same page (as painful as it might be) you may find that ending the surrogacy journey with them is what is best for you. I would hope that after 5 attempts to get pregnant for them that they'd always keep you as a friend.

I'm truly so sorry you have to go through this. If you ever need someone to talk to outside of the JM board feel free to email me at [email protected]


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May 27th, 2009, 09:41 PM
Keepin' it real!
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 1,656
I am a surro waiting for transfer. I think IMHO, you may want to have a heart to heart with your IP's because it feels like you are saying that things are one-sided. Maybe they are having 2nd thoughts because it hasn't worked yet. Maybe they have changed their minds and haven't told you, but are giving subtle hints. Who knows what they are thinking, but it is time to lay down what you are willing to do and are not willing to do. I really hope everything gets better and you guys can all come to an agreement or at least find out if it is time to move on to another set of IP's. Good luck!!!
Mom to many

1 Girl 2011 and 1 Boy 2013. Their family is COMPLETE!

Surrogacy # 3 for new family?: 2014??
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