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Dealing with "flack" from friends about HB

Forum: Home Birth


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May 5th, 2009, 03:24 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,307
So, I just found out from a friend that another friend of mine (wow, this sounds so junior high gossip) called me a "selfish martyr" for doing a home birth and suggested I was doing it because it's "trendy." I'm thinking because she gave birth last year and I know it wasn't the birth she wanted, that maybe she's projecting some of those negative feelings on to me.

I've been especially careful not to talk about HB really with her (mostly because she had one of those "nothing went according to plan at the hospital" kind of births). Do you think I should mention this though? Or try to clear the air without expressly telling her I know that she's been saying not the nicest things about my birth choices? Or should I just let it be?

Otherwise, people have been very cool. I haven't told a lot of people yet that I'm pregnant, but those I have told have been super supportive about the HB decision.
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May 5th, 2009, 05:53 PM
_Brandy_'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Fort McMurray, AB, Canada
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I am not sure what I would do about this particular situation. However, a lot of people are negative about homebirth. When I had my first homebirth I didn't tell a lot of people for this very reason.

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May 5th, 2009, 08:41 PM
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: McGuire AFB
Posts: 256
I would casually mention it to her and just tell her it hurt your feelings so it doesnt feel like an attack. But then move on if you don't want to get into it, just say "I wanted you to know it hurt my feelings when you said...." and if she asks who or who told you, I'd just say, thats not the issue.

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May 5th, 2009, 11:56 PM
Martina's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 2,302
I dont tell people (unless they specifically ask something like : so which hospital are you delivering at? LOL), I dont want to hear their negative comments about thing they obviously dont know much about.
***MARTINA*** Mom to Kayla 10/00; Kiarra 10/01; Kameron 06/03; Kassidy 08/05; Karissa 07/09.

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May 6th, 2009, 06:20 AM
inyourhonor's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Metro Detroit
Posts: 16,734
My mom was the negative one in the start of my last pregnancy. She came around to it knowing no matter what she said, I wasn't buying into it. I told her flat out that she was hurting my feelings and i needed her support, not her dislike. If it was going to continue, I wasn't going to bother keeping her updated on everything.

I would say something and then leave it at that.
Marisa (29) married to J (35), mama to G (10), D (7), B (5) and K (1).
Little Miss joined our family Dec 4th, 2015 at 35 weeks.
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May 6th, 2009, 07:33 AM
Xx5Xy1+'s Avatar What's your superpower?
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Location: Wiesbaden, Germany
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This is why I've been very careful about who I tell what information. Some people I only tell them I'm "due in September". Other people I just let assume what they will (hospital birth, etc). I have a select few family members and friends that I have told about planning a homebirth... heck some of them I could tell them that I was planning to have an unassisted childbirth in the middle of the Black Forrest and they would just look at me like "umm... ok" and others who if I told them "Im having an assisted home birth with a backup OB at the hospital" and I would get an unending rash of BS.

I would simply confront the friend (gently) and tell her how it hurt your feelings, offer to share with her the info/studies/etc that lead you to your decision and see if she can at least understand where you're coming from and offer support in that way. Otherwise, I would distance myself from that friend in regards to the pregnancy and childbirth plans. If she asks I would say "Im sorry, but we obviously disagree and your friendship is too important to me to feed this disagreement with more fuel."

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May 6th, 2009, 09:57 AM
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I would go to her and say "I recently heard that you said....is this true". Let her know that it hurt you that she said that (if she really did). When people question my motives or the safety of homebirth, I just give them the facts that homebirth is as safe, if not safer, than hospital births for low risk women.
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May 7th, 2009, 09:13 AM
Hey There's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 2,195
Honestly...I wouldn't consider a person like that much a 'friend' if she didn't even come to you directly with her questions/concerns/opinions. Seems like a waste of energy to worry about what this 'so called' friend thinks. Personally, I think she sounds like a negative drain on this wonderful time in your life. I'd personally just distance myself and surround myself with people that were truly there for me.
In general, if people challenge my birth choice (not people I would consider freinds but just general people that truly seem concerned/flabbergasted) I tell them to watch the 'Business of Being Born' and then we'll discuss it. That movie seems to really open eyes. It has just enough factual information along with positive visual homebirth images to really seem to get people interested.
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May 8th, 2009, 12:53 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 1,307
Thanks for the suggestions everyone!

Like I said, everyone else has been so cool, I get the impression she might be a little...jealous, you know?

Aren't the relationships between girlfriends so much fun? No wonder there are so many books that explore it, jeez.
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May 8th, 2009, 08:58 PM
Join Date: May 2009
Location: PNW
Posts: 11
I think a lot of people just "hate on" homebirthing because they don't know much about it. Society has it implanted in our heads that doctors are NECESSARY for every little thing, but we forget that women have been giving birth long before these PhD's came around, yk?

I would say something about it. DH and I haven't decided if we're doing a HB or not, but we ARE opting for the natural way and cloth diapering for starters. And people are ALREADY giving me flack for it.

No worries though! Way to go!
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