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Im really upset w/ my midwife!

Forum: Home Birth


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December 12th, 2011, 10:29 AM
Momof4Boyz's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 8,355
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Ok so, my midwife didn't make it to Carsons birth because she was at another birth. She sent some random midwife to mine... Looking back I just feel like she put us in such a risky position. With my first baby I was required to get to know each OB so that I wouldn't have a stranger at my birth. Same with my 2nd, with my 3rd we had a midwife @ a birth center and got to know every midwife that may be at the birth so I felt comfortable with all of them. This time nothing... she never mentioned a thing and I was dumb and didn't think to ask. I guess I just assumed with a homebirth midwife that she would be there, that she wouldn't have so many moms due that there was a risk or something like that happening. Anyway, during my labor I was soo nervous, the baby wasn't dropping like my others did and I wasn't dilating my contractions were close and strong and nothing was happening. The midwife kept checking me and would tell me to push (at 6cm!) and it made it soo much worse - I knew better, I don't know why I did it! The first 6 hours of my labor I spent in the bathroom with potty issues if you know what I mean so when she had me push obviously... things happen and she kept insisting it was from the baby and I was like no it's not and then she told the asst. to put down "light" even though she would consider it heavy because that's all they were allowed to handle. And because I knew it wasn't, I wasn't worried, but the fact she was willing to do that worried me - if there was a valid reason to go to the hospital, I would go! I certainly wouldn't put my baby or myself at risk to have a homebirth. Then she insisted my water broke in the tub - it didn't, I would know!!! My husband had her check the baby's HR a lot, and then check mine because I tend to run really high and with Carson HR running 130 he was worried they were getting my HR and not the baby's. He wasn't real impressed with her at that point, either - of course he didn't say anything until afterwards because he could feel my stress. I stood in the bathroom crying to go to the hospital because in my mind I was so **** nervous that something was going to go wrong, I didn't trust this midwife - I didn't even know her last name, where she was from, even if she was a certified midwife! I just kept blaming those feelings on the pain but I know it wasn't really that. We knew we were going to have a big baby I had no idea if she could handle a stuck baby should that problem have happened. My husband was keeping pretty good tabs on me though and I did trust him to load us up if need be, he's pretty wise to birth at this point. I tried to calm myself down and when I stopped thinking about all those fears I could focus on just the birth itself and it got better. After he was born I was relieved everything was OK and I knew I could handle things myself from there. All the fear had left and for a few days... even weeks I was OK. But then when it came time for my 6 week appt all these feelings were hitting me like I just felt so abandoned by her, like money got in the way of good midwifery. I rescheduled and then finally just cancelled. She's called and called and I can't bring myself to even answer the phone - I don't want to talk to her! I don't ever want to see her again. I am upset and angry and feel like she should have said, "if I don't make it this is who will attend your birth - would you like to meet her?" Because YES I would, I would like to know the person who will be there and get to interview them myself so I can feel confident in my care provider! If I wanted some random stranger I would have just went to the hospital for crying out loud!!! And it's not like this was a hosptial birth where should a problem arrise theres a huge staff there to deal with it, it was a homebirth where your midwife needs to know her stuff and I don't think this one did! At one point during my labor I said something about how I couldn't believe she had so many births this month and one right when I was in labor - crazy! And the midwife told me that I wasn't the first birth she filled in for that my midwife was overbooking herself. Which makes sense because at my appts she would say "we had 4 babies this weekend" and I was thinking - wow that's a lot of babies, but I guess it just didn't cross my mind that maybe she was taking on more than she could handle. I don't know.. maybe I'm crazy. All is well, everything worked out, but I just can't shake the "what ifs". Am I wrong for feeling this way?
To make it worse, I really didn't like her as a midwife. She was really my only option other than a birth center that wouldn't let me go past 42 weeks... I felt confident that she could handle the birth but that was about as far as it went. I just didn't really care for her from day 1 but then to have her not even be there was just... the final straw. Anyway, I've been asked if I would have another homebirth, and yes I would but I would never ever use this midwife again!

ok sorry that was so long I just really need to get that out!

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December 22nd, 2011, 04:37 PM
mommacache's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 691
I'm sorry you had such a bad birth experience. I had homebirths with both of my pregnancies and I too can attest to the difference between midwives. With my first there weren't a lot of midwives in my area and I didn't really know what I needed or wanted (just knew I'd like to have a non-hospital birth). I chose one that did homebirths and also had a birth center. Well, as the weeks went by I didn't feel like I was bonding with her. Sometimes if I asked a question she'd roll her eyes. I felt like I was annoying her, but I asked questions because I was nervous being a first time mom. Communication just wasn't good but I didn't really think I could switch providers since my choices were limited. When the day came to labor I kept calling her and she'd say that she didn't think she'd have to come yet. Then she'd ask if I wanted her there. I got mad and told her no (I felt like I was an annoyance and she didn't really want to be at my birth). I didn't know how far along I was and I was in pain (mostly from fear of the unknown). By the time she got there I was 10cm but the baby's HR was low so I had to lie down and have some Oxygen. Baby's HR picked right up. But I really think the birth could have gone much better had I had the support of a good MW. Afterward I felt the same as you and didn't want to talk to her and I had PPD pretty bad. And It took MONTHS to physically heal.

The next time I had a different MW and she was wonderful. Of course, I knew what more to expect this time around, but her support made the birth an enjoyable experience. I healed within WEEKS even though my baby was 2 lbs bigger (10lbs) than my first. Even my husband talks about how much better this MW was. If I have another child I will definitely go back to her. She always made me feel like I was her number 1 priority, even though I knew she was a fairly busy MW.

I feel bad that no-one has responded to you. If you want to talk feel free to PM. (((HUGS)))
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December 27th, 2011, 09:41 AM
BobbityBoo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Left Coast
Posts: 816
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. At first, I was going to say that maybe it was some weird freak thing and she wasn't antcipating a conflict. I know as a doula we only introduce our back ups if we can forsee conflict (there are some that practice as a team in which they share the on-call, and then they would both be at prenatals and such). But judging from the "4 babies this weekend" and the other midwivfe's comments its probably safe to assume this midwife IS overbooking herself. I think she is doing a major disservice to her clients and the profession. Is there a governing body overseeing midwives in your state? Can you contact the organization she is licensed through? I agree with you that she did put you at risk, even just in the fact that you carried so much stress in tention in your labor that could have caused issues for you that needed a transfer.

If you are feeling up to it I would try to talk to her and express your dissatisfaction with her services. Maybe she needs to hear that feedback.

Thank you Kiliki for my wonderfull siggie!
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January 13th, 2012, 10:03 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,571
((hugs)) I can't believe she didn't discuss with you back up plans if she couldn't be at the labor. If she is taking on that many clients, she should be working as a team with another midwife.

The midwives who delivered Lucy are a home birth business of 3 midwives (used to be 4, and they are looking at a replacement for the 4th since one left the practice to be a SAHM). They took turns coming to all my prenatals, and two of them were on call and present at the birth. They always have two working a birth unless there is a situation with more than one birth going on at the same time. I really wish your midwife would have been working in a similar fashion, or at least have had the courtesy to introduce you to her backup.
Mom of 3 awesome girls

Lucia Jane, born 10.9.11

Forever missing our angel babies
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