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Broken relationships

Forum: Home Birth


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February 20th, 2008, 10:35 AM
ragmama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Southern VA
Posts: 40,025
First of all, big hugs for you...I know this has to be a difficult situation, especially on top of the stress of being a new parent too. I wish you weren't dealing with this at all. Stinks to be so far away from family.

Do you think maybe their feelings were hurt when you didn't invite them for the actual birth? Not that it matters so much - it was YOUR birth and you certainly had the right to take full advantage of your privacy while laboring. Just wondering if that might be why they're making excuses now.

Still, it doesn't make sense to me that they wouldn't be eager to see you, and to meet their new grandson/nephew. I guess for some people, it's all about the excitement of being there and meeting the baby as soon as he arrives - it's not as much fun to help out afterward, and I guess they realize that. I'm sure you told them how much you needed help afterward...and some of their reasons for not coming (too cold, long flight) are just selfish. They expect YOU to make the flight - alone with a baby - but they can't? Come on. I'd be upset too.

I wish there was something I could say to help, but this kind of conflict is never easy. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd reach out and invite them one more time, let them know that I miss them and want to see them and want them to meet my baby - but that I wouldn't be asking again anytime soon. I'd probably wait for them to contact me too - the siblings, at least, it sounds like mom is at least making an effort. I wouldn't be knocking myself over to send pics and keep them informed, etc. But again, that's just me, and I need to work harder on not holding grudges.

I hope they come around soon and realize what they're missing out on by not coming to visit... Meanwhile, I know it hurts, but try not to let them make you miserable. If they're upset and retaliating, and it makes you this angry, then they win, you know?
mom to Rachael, 10 ~ Milly, 6 ~ foster mom (waiting on the next call)
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February 20th, 2008, 09:42 PM
ragmama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Southern VA
Posts: 40,025
I'm sorry. If it's gotten to the point already that speaking to them just upsets you and the baby...maybe cutting ties would be best, at least for now. Maybe given time, things will improve - I hope so. Fighting with family is so hard.
mom to Rachael, 10 ~ Milly, 6 ~ foster mom (waiting on the next call)
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February 21st, 2008, 12:58 AM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Southern Iowa
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Sometimes, as hard as it is..... we just have to walk away for a while. My mother and I have barely spoken in the past two years. Only while I was taking care of my father last year before he passed and during the week or so after his funeral. It was a long two years and there were times that all I wanted was to talk to her and for things to be back to how they were before our argument. Things aren't by any means perfect now, but for the past 2 months we've been talking occasionally, and beginning to allow our relationship time to heal. Maybe it would be best to just cut all ties for a while. Eventually they'll come around.

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February 21st, 2008, 01:33 AM
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 119
sounds horrible..what about the IL's...good relationship? what does the dh say?
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February 21st, 2008, 11:05 AM
LaLa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 11,576
Im sorry youre in that situation, it certainly is tough. I have virtually no relationsip with most of my family for similar reasons. I speak to my sister, and she does visit occasionally, but thats really it. My father & my mother are divorced & I dont have much to do with them either. My mother & I dont get along & my dad dropped out of hte picture hwen I was young.

Luckily I have my grandparents from my dads side, as theyve always been around.

Its tough - and its taken me YEARS to cmoe to an "ok" place abuot not having the "family" unit that others do. My sons father isnt in the picture either so singlemotherhood is tough, and even tougher when you have no other family. At least most single mothers get help from family even if only emotional mental support. It does get easier with time though, and unfortunately, its probably never going to Seem "ok" that theyre like this. I'm still resentful about my family's lack of interest & involvement esp for selfish reasons (my mothers reasons are similar to your mothers except my mothers well within driving distance). I probably always wil be sad that they choose to be this way. But you cant and likely wont ever change them or how they are and the best advice i can give is to just try to focus on what you have with your little one & to raise him to be different with his family & for you to break that cycle starting with him.



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February 21st, 2008, 04:20 PM
ShawnaCAN's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 11,397
I have nothing wise to offer, just hugs and prayers. Family is so important to me, I can't imagine how hard it would be to have so much pain in those relationships. I hope there is some way you can all work it out!
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