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Is this tacky or am I wound too tight?

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February 24th, 2008, 09:38 AM
Basher Barbie's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 4
I know that there is controversy over whether a shower for a second child is appropriate or not and I've pretty much resigned to the fact that people have them for a second child if there is a large age gap, a different gender or if it's a small shower for the family to throw.

Here's the scenario:
A friend of mine has a son who will be barely 2 when her daughter is born. She had re-registered herself at Potterybarn Kids months ago in hopes that someone would throw her a second shower. She has registered for over $3k worth of stuff out there, including a crib, dresser, nightstand, and a $50 pillow among other riduculous items. Fastforward to now, I get an invitation in the mail for her shower which of course includes the information about where she registered and the shower is at her mother's house which is 90 minutes North of the majority of people invited at 11am.

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I'm a little irked by the inconvenience and the excessiveness of it all. I can totally understand doing a girl's luncheon locally for bringing a girl outfit, but she has everything else she needs. She just wants all new furniture, but doesn't need it. Her ds is in the crib that she has converted to a toddler bed, but she could easily move him to a twin and convert that back to a crib.

A little much or am I just uptight? I can take it.
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February 25th, 2008, 08:17 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Middletown, NY
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If you don't want to fund your friend's second child, then just simply don't go. If you do go, you are not obligated to buy something from the registry. If you're friend is annoyed by this, then she's not that good of a friend in the first place anyway.
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February 25th, 2008, 06:21 PM
::er!ca::'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You're not obligated to go to her babyshower. And if you do go, you are not obligated to buy something off of her registry. If you are that annoyed by it, I'd say you shouldn't go. It's her day and someone was kind enough to throw her a baby shower. Not everyone reuses their furniture, so I really don't see anything wrong with her wanting new. No, she may not "need" it... but that doesn't mean that she can't buy it herself or some other generous person get it for her.
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April 19th, 2008, 03:37 PM
mommaluvs2730's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Wasington
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High popping in from the July 08 DDC I was just going to post a question when I saw this topic. I see both sides of the shower thing. I can see why she would want to have another one due to her having a baby girl this time since her last was a boy. But since its so soon after she shouldnt be needing that much stuff. Maybe she just put that much on her registry so everyone can pick from a variety of things?

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April 29th, 2008, 01:51 PM
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Houston
Posts: 335
I would be irked, too. If it was me, I'd buy something that I picked out, not off her "buy me new furniture" list. And if you don't wanna drive far, either mail it or wait til she's born to give it to her.
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May 22nd, 2008, 02:11 PM
DavidandJaidonsmomma's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I never post here, but started lurking today and just wanted to add that my friends and family have a baby shower for each child. I think every child should be celebrated. I understand the fact that maybe she is being a tad bit greedy, but its as simple as dont buy what you dont think she needs. I think by not going your simply showing what type of person you are not vice versa. I just dont see the point of fussing about it.

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May 23rd, 2008, 10:31 AM
disneydiva76's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I kind of agree with Bree on this one. For some families it is a point of celebration to bring everyone together, friends and family for each child. To show appreciation and love for each child, not just number one. She may just be a strange person who when she went to register and had the little clicker in her hand went click happy? lol I know some people when they register for weddings add some pretty lavish things on there that they know no one will end up buying for them. But they use it as a "dream sheet" instead. If that makes sense. I say if you are too uncomfortable about it, tell her you have some plans that came up yadda yadda and don't go. Get her a small gift... outfit or what not later on. Or just go and get what you think she needs. Clothes are always a necessity. It doesn't always have to be what is necessarily on the list. Hell you can 86 the whole baby gift and get her a mommy gift instead like a whole bag full of Bath and Body stuff, lotions, bath oils ect to pamper herself when she gets to escape from mommyhood. Just don't let it get ya all upset. Good luck to you!

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May 27th, 2008, 03:56 AM
ashleighgurl's Avatar Loving Wife and Mommy
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I see both sides of it. I think that some families like to get together and have showers for each child, in celebration. I think that is totally fine. If she were my friend, I might be a little irked by the fact that she is registering for all new baby stuff. But, that is her choice. If you do not want to go, then don't go. Maybe someone will want to get her some furniture, but you are under no obligation to get her anything.
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June 3rd, 2008, 08:05 PM
Platinum Supermommy
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i totally understand about celebrating a second child but i don't consider celebrating life with "buy me stuff from potterybarn" . don't get me wrong pottery barn is my favorite store but personally i would never have a second baby shower, even if someone begged to have one for me. i felt akward enough with having a baby shower for my first child. but we had nothing so we acutally needed these things. this seems just lavish. now if we wanted to get together for a brunch to celebrate the second baby that would be wonderful - but why do gifts always have to be involved in the second shower. generally people buy you a gift once your baby is born so i don't think there is a need to have a party where people would buy me more stuff.

i would still go to the shower. i thought it was weird and rude for my friend to have a second baby shower but i was still happy to go. it just seems to be all about the gifts instead of celebration of life.

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June 4th, 2008, 02:21 PM
Frozendesire's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Maybe a relative offered to buy her some new furniture and wanted her to put it on the registry so they could choose the right thing?

I don't know, I just don't think that jumping to conclusions and calling her greedy is the best idea.

If you don't like what she has on her registry then don't buy it. If you don't like the time and location, then don't go. This is about her and her baby.

I also see nothing wrong with have a baby shower to celebrate a new addition to a family.. even if it's the second, third, fourth, etc.

I know with Curtis I didn't have a shower.. well i had two friends have me over their house and gave me a gift. I would love to have one here where I actually have more friends and more family. Why? Because I'd love to share my new baby with them, to celebrate with them. A life is a life no matter if they came in "second".

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July 12th, 2008, 09:15 PM
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 124
If you don't want to buy her anything, don't. If you don't want to attend, don't.

Every child should be celebrated!!!
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July 15th, 2008, 11:27 PM
MegC's Avatar Super Mommy
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I think it all depends on your view of baby showers. I personally find baby showers more a utilitarian thing: you throw one/have one for people who genuinely need items. I just don't get emotional about baby showers and celebrating life and whatnot--I celebrate my son's life everyday with whoever I'm with. That, and in the area where I live having a second baby shower is considered rather tacky unless there's a large age gap or you're having a child of a different sex--and even then you only register for items you really need if you bother to register for anything at all. Ultimately, people just buy you what they want to buy you anyway with little regard to your registry. Around here, you have showers for your first baby because you genuinely need items. Most people don't need that stuff by the time their second one rolls around so there's no point.

Having said that, though, I see where some people do get more emotionally involved with the purpose of a shower, and some people really do view it as more of a celebration of life.

I think your friend kind of straddles the line: Does she, technically, qualify for a utilitarian shower? Yes, she's having a baby of a different gender. Does she genuinely need furniture? Absolutely. Her new baby needs to sleep somewhere. The way I see it, either her son gets new furniture or her daughter gets new furniture--push comes to shove, someone is getting new furniture. Now, here comes the true point of contention: she registered for very expensive baby furniture. I wouldn't do it, you wouldn't do it, most people wouldn't do it, but she did. Maybe, as someone all ready said, she had a very good reason for doing so. I mean, if you were registering for such expensive baby stuff wouldn't it go through your mind at least once that the chances of you getting anything on the registry is slim to none? Seems a pretty futile exercise if there wasn't a half-way decent reason for going through the trouble. I think you probably know your friend better than the rest of us here do and you know if she's done this because she has a good reason, or if she's done this because she's completely delusional and really thinks that people are going to buy her this stuff--or if she knows people who will buy her this stuff. Like it or not, we all know people who are like this.

As for the distance: 90 minutes is a pretty good distance, especially for a shower that's scheduled for 11:00 in the morning. It also seems to me that the people who were throwing her shower would have known this when they sent the invitations and scheduled the party. Thus, I think they're probably expecting a low attendance. I'm not really sure what that says about them. I know that it's difficult for my grandmother to get around and someone has to always pick her up and take her to events like this. Maybe that's why they decided to throw the shower an hour and ahalf away--to be closer to someone who has a hard time getting around.

Whether or not I chose to attend the shower (only you can decide if it's worth driving 90 minutes), I would still send a gift. I would send her a gift card. To Pottery Barn. :-)

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July 24th, 2008, 02:49 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,340
Lurking around in the middle of the night and thought I would butt in...

Pottery Barn offers a 10% discount when you close out your registry for any items that weren't purchased. So maybe she's planning to buy this stuff herself and is being thrifty instead of greedy? Just a thought, in defense of a stranger...

I'm pregnant w/ my first, and I went in there to register, more for fun and the packet of free stuff they give you than really expecting gifts from there. (My friends/family are more the Walmart type!) Anyway I gotta say, when they handed me the little scan gun, I went a little nuts. I did go back online later and delete some of the more crazy stuff, but still.

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July 25th, 2008, 08:56 PM
mom2kaisnkam's Avatar Super Mommy
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I can see your point. I did have a second shower for my DS. My DD was almost 3 when he was born. But we were not planning to have a child and I sold ALL my baby stuff at a yard sale, not knowing that I had conceived the night before. Not funny! I had nothing, no clothes, crib, not even a wash cloth left over. So yes there was need of a second shower. I did not however register for furniture.

I can see her needing clothing, blankets and the neccessities but asking for people to by furniture is a little much. I have always bought my own or had close family surprise us with it.

I also agree about the time, that is rather early for a shower. We always try to plan at a time we think more people will show up. KWIM. I agree with some of the others if you don't go you could always just send her a gift card. Or go and you may have a great time.

Good Luck in your decision.
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September 6th, 2008, 09:27 PM
cheezpoofs's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It's tacky. The kids are too close in age for her to need much new stuff at all. Every etiquette rule I've seen has stated that different gender is not an exception to the rule that one should only have one baby shower per life unless there is a large age gap between your last and latest and one would guess you had gotten rid of your baby stuff over the years . I would decline an invitation to this event unless I was super close to the person getting the shower (and by then, she'd have been told that she was breaking major etiquette rules by having a second shower).

EDIT: The entire point of a shower is to "shower" the mother/ baby-on-the-way with gifts that said baby would presumably need. If a mother wants to have a "Celebration of Life" or "Meet the New Addition" party, that's all fine and good, but it should not be under the guise of a Baby Shower, nor should gifts be expected.

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December 10th, 2008, 11:04 AM
wintereast's Avatar Theresa334
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Location: Northeast
Posts: 2,156
I do think having a shower for more than your first child is excessive (unless you never had one for the first for various reasons). Having a baby celebration party is different- introducing the baby after being born and also the expectation of not giving gifts is there and you get to celebrate the baby. I personally find it odd when people keep wanting showers (let's not forget there are birthdays, holidays etc. too to buy gifts so it seems a little greedy at the end of the day).

When you get married more than once, you typically don't register again! The idea of a shower is to give you items you don't have. Now I do like the idea of a used items shower for baby #2 and above at a casual coffee or something just for close friends.

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December 18th, 2008, 04:08 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
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I think second baby showers are incredibly tacky, regardless of gender differences or large age gaps. You got a bunch of stuff the first time around, how much more could you possibly need? And if you're that desperately in need of stuff, perhaps that should have been thought of before the second baby was conceived. Also, its at her mom's house? I think its alright for a sister or a friend, but for her mom to do it is also kinda tacky. A second baby shower screams "buy me stuff."

That being said, I'm not opposed to celebrating second, third, etc. babies, but it doesn't have to come with a gift registry or an expectation of gifts.

Bottom line: if she needs additional furniture, hit up Craigslist.

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December 20th, 2008, 01:04 PM
MyDuckySam's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Was she a Bridezilla? J/K!!!

devil's advocate here..........

maybe someone asked her to register at PBK
maybe her 2yo is still using some of the gear
maybe she got rid of some of the infant gear to afford toddler gear
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January 10th, 2009, 08:54 PM
Butterfly2009's Avatar Super Mommy
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I think every child should have a shower- its showering the baby with gifts, but to each their own.

if the shower is too far, I would just send a gift, if the registry is too expensive- pick out a gift, a little outfit perhaps & a blanket. something thoughtful and sweet.

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