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My Heart Break, Veona's Birth </3 - LONG POST-

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July 15th, 2011, 02:47 AM
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1
hi ladies, i'm new here. i lost my princess back in April @ 23weeks and 2 days, so it's been 3 months and 6 days since her passing, but i'm still heart broken about it.

she would have been my fourth pregnancy since i miscarried in April 09'. i have two wonderful boys, 7 and 4, and even though this wasn't a planned pregnancy, husband and i were still looking forwards to a little princess to join the fambam. i had half my bloody show early on the 8th of April in the morning, then at 1:53pm, i felt a gunk just slip and i bolted to the bathroom where the rest of my mucus plug came. not too soon afterwards, i began leaking, and i didn't want to admit that my water had broken. i called my doctor, and he said to lay back and just stay off my feet, that maybe baby had poked a hole in the sack and it should heal up on it's own. i soaked multiple pads for 7 hours, and then it began to lighten up so i figured it was nothing. i was still leaking the next day, but i didn't tell my husband, and i went off to take pictures for my niece for her prom. i left their house before 4, and i decided to go into the ER just to get checked out. i stopped at a 99cent store to pick up some word search cause i did plan on spending time there waiting. as i went up to the second floor, i prayed to myself that nothing was wrong with baby, she was kicking at that point. the nurses had me undress and then she did an ultrasound to look for baby's heart beat. i still remember when she checked me, the look on face spelled disaster to me. she told me my water was broken, and i could be going into labor within the next 24hours . she checked to see how dilated i was, and she said she could feel my baby's feet in the canal. i had to make the horrid call to my husband that baby was on her way. i couldn't even talk to him, my voice was so lost. i'd been given a steroid shot to help the babies lungs, and was told should she be born, if her eyes were still sealed shut, and she did not cry, then they could not save her. i was given the choice to c-section or give birth vaginally, but c-section would have given her a better chance of survival. i signed the papers and waited for a doctor to consult me. an hour later he arrived and was told my chances of her survival and my being able to conceive again. i tried to hurry the consultation, but by the time he finished, he checked, her legs had moved up, and her bottom was in the canal, surgery was no longer an option, i had to have her vaginally. at 9:39pm, i had given birth to my baby, 1lb, 8ounces, 13inches long. she didn't cry. she lasted no longer than 10 minutes outside the womb, and i watched her suffocate. i named her VV, and we baptized her, then i had to say goodbye to her forever.

it's been 3 months, but i struggle to let her go. some days are okay, then some days are just fuzzy. it's even more sad because i have inlaws due around the same time i was, and every day, i count down to my due date, and i know i'll get nothing from it in the end, and here they are, celebrating and preparing, and i'm just suppose to be 'happy' with them. no, i'm not happy. i'm pissed that i'm babyless and here they are splashing their happiness into my face. i know it's not intentional or at least i don't think it is, but i just wish they'd stay away from me, or at least take a hint. i want to jump in front of a train, and they want me to ooo over baby clothes, no, i can't, but i pretend to. i can't even go into a baby clothing store without breaking down, or look at those pregnant people without remembering what i'm suppose to have.
i'm just very sad, and upset at myself.

thanks for anyone who got to this point.

Last edited by loveluvlove; April 26th, 2013 at 12:36 AM.
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July 15th, 2011, 05:13 AM
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: scotaland
Posts: 453
aww hun

it is very early days and you really need to grieve and i think you are doing that very well..

i lost my dd 14yrs ago at 39wks and even now sometimes the grief just takes over..

i really think you should think about counciling, it might not seem it now but talking bout your beauiful little girl does help..

the best bit of advice i got when i lost my dd was that your baby will always be with you and you will never be that same person you where before your loss but over time things do get better and you learn to walk beside your grief instead of it taking over your life

hold onto your other lo's as they do help you get through your worst day

start being kind to yourself and if you feel the need to be selfish the do so as you need to look after yourself now, take a step back from you inlaws if you need to im sure they would understand

huge hugs to you hun and take care XX
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July 15th, 2011, 08:46 AM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Washington
Posts: 22,034
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I am so sorry that you lost your little girl. I couldn't be around pregnant people or go to showers or anything like that. Even now years later I have a hard time in the baby section. Family drives me nuts when they don't understand and they just expect you to get over it. I am so sorry that you are dealing with them on top of your grief. We are here anytime you wish to talk.

Thanks .:Shortcake:. for my great siggie

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July 20th, 2011, 11:38 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 14,409
I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I feel the same way as you. It is so difficult to be around my pregnant friends and although i want to be happy sometimes I find it difficult. Just know that we are here for you.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
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July 26th, 2011, 09:11 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
I am so sorry

Thank you Katie (.:Shortcake:.) for my beautiful siggy!!

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July 30th, 2011, 11:57 PM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,612
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Thank you so much for sharing your story! My DD was born at 22 weeks and nobody told me about the eye/cry thing...but when you mentioned it, it made sense all of a sudden!

I'm very sorry for the loss of your daughter. We're here if you need to talk!!!
Hugs from Houston!
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baby, loss, pregnancy

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