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August 15th, 2006, 10:34 AM
thepburn's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Bahamas
Posts: 254
Before I begin, don't get me wrong, I love my family and appreciate all that they've done for us. I just got off of the phone with my mom. Back in July, my parents were supposed to come over and stay with us on the weekend so they could see Sarah. Well, my dad had to do drill (National Guard) at the last minute. Fine, no big deal. I did tell him though that it would be a while b/f DH and I were free to have them over (probably not until Sept.) and that is true, we have things planned and have had them planned for a while until Sep. 8th (we will be free that weekend). Well, last week, they wanted us to drive over to see them (only a 3 1/2 hour trip) on Fri. and return home on Saturday. Well, I'm sorry. I just couldn't do that. I informed them that after working all week and taking care of DH and Sarah, when the weekend hits, I'm tired and that driving over on Friday and doing a turnaround trip back home on Saturday was out of the question. They couldn't or shall I say wouldn't come over here last weekend. So, they had mentioned coming over this weekend. Fine, except at the last minute, DH has to fly to TX to pick up our car that we just bought YEAH!!!. Anyway, my mom called me just now to let me know that if they came it would be just her (and needless to say, that' not a good idea) b/c my dad says that he wasn't coming over here to see us. He feels that DH and I are trying to keep Sarah away from them. Not the case, but I'm, well we're just tired of bending all the time and making provisions for EVERYONE else and not having the same done for us. My mom is retired and my dad just went back to work for the government to complete his 30 years of service. They don't have kids to contend with during the week, but just b/c we live so close, they just expect us to drop everything and come over when they feel like it. I'm sorry, my stance I've taken for the last two years is one that I'm only concerned about DH, Sarah and myself. So I get this lecture from my mom today about how my dad says that he's not coming over here again and that we're keeping his granddaughter from him. Well, it that's the way you want it, let it be so. DH doesn't really like my parents too much b/c when we were engaged, he says that all they did was try to control me and not get to know him. True! Why do some parents try to make their children's lives so difficult? I love my parents and I try to honor them as the bible instructs me to, but where is the line drawn? My first oblication is to LEAVE AND CLEAVE, right!! I haven't been home since March and hadn't really planned on going home until the holidays. DH and I don't care if they come to visit, that's fine. But all of the pouting is really beginning to bother me. DH's family lives in the Bahamas, thank goodness, so it's not really an issue with them. We went there in Feb and in July and will not be going back until the new year (Jan '07). Plus, his parents have never treated me with anything but respect from the first moment I met them. My parents (mom in particular) has spent most of my adult life telling me how to live and what to do and I'm free of that and refuse to be around that at all. My sister and BIL live in Chicago now and my brother and SIL live in Florida. I know that they don't bother them like they bother us, but they will go to see them, you know. Where is the "happy medium" that I've heard people talk about? My husband and I are still newlyweds, sortof (in Nov. it will be 2 years--YEAH!!!) and even from them time we got married, they were always like "you guys need to come over more". Whatever. I went to grad. school in Alabama also and every time my mom called me and "needed" me to come home, I went. She never called my brother or sister to do so. DH says that's part of the problem. I always conformed to what they wanted/expected. True, but I don't do that anymore and I'm still being made to feel like a child because I'm being "DEFIANT" (dad's exact words). Well, thanks for letting me vent. I apologize about it being so long.

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August 15th, 2006, 11:32 AM
mkgirl4u's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,006
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I've gone through some similar situations and it adds a lot of unneeded stress on the family. And everytime you talk with them there is so much tension.

Finally I just had to explain to them that I have my own family now, and we want just "us" family time.

I get really upset when the kids are around them and don't want to come to me, and my 4 yr. son cries when we leave their house. I hate it! But what are grandparents for besides spoiling the grandkids, and then of course they won't want to leave.

When DH and I first got pregnant with DS, we were over at my parents house EVERY night eating supper. Mainly because we were living on just one income, and were not able to have a lot of food around the house. Well, when DH got a good job, and we were able to take care of our own family, we basically cut out going to their house to eat. It was SOOO nice being just our family. We didn't avoid them or anything, just didn't go over half as much. Well, they got mad at us. My parents are VERY controlling, and unlike my sister, I refuse to let them control me. I've really got to watch myself though, and be sure that I give the respect they deserve, but at the same time, I won't allow them to control me.

Anyways, so then my dad makes a comment "Fine then, we'll just spend time with the grandkids that want to spend time with us"

We didn't try keeping Trevor away from them. We did ask them to please not talk about people and fight in front of him. But I guess they took that as we didn't want Trevor going over there.

Things are better now, but I'm still not as close to my mom as she would like.

My sister lives in NY, and calls my mother every morning and talks for over an hour with her. And she'll call her on and off throughout the day. Mom ALWAYS gives her unwanted advice, and tells her how to do things. I on the other hand cannot stand talking on the phone. If I have to call her, or she calls me, I want to say what I have to say, then get off. She takes that as me not wanting to talk to her, but it's not just that, I really don't like talking on the phone.

She wants me to be her best friend. All growing up though, she was the parent never a friend. I never felt comfortable going to her about anything cause she'd jump my case. My dad and I have always had a closer relationship, and she is jealous of that. She feels like people should like her more. My dad is the one I remember always fixing my hair, always sleeping in my room when I was sick, always giving hugs and kisses and I love you's.

My mom a few years ago said "I love Trevor to death, and I wouldn't want anything happening to him, but I am praying that whatever it takes Lord, for you and I to have a closer relationship, that's what I want"

I was so mad!!! I went bawling to husband and saying that she would rather Trevor be dead, and her and I have a Best Friend relationship.

Also one time when my sister came down to visit, she and my mom got into an argument cause my mom was not giving my sister space to deal with her kids, she was just trying to do it for her. My mom leaves the house, then comes back and says to my sister. "I've been over at the church, praying and reading my Bible and asking God why he gave me children if this is the way they are going to treat me"

That was like the first time that my sister has ever stood up for how she feels, and my mom flies off the handle.

My mom has always mothered by guilt....and I can't stand that!!! That is one character trait that I pray to God I did not inherit!!!!

I'm sorry I thread - jacked, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are other Christian people out there who's families are not all sweet and rosey.
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August 15th, 2006, 11:49 AM
thepburn's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Bahamas
Posts: 254

Thanks for your reply. I will be praying for your situation also. I agree with what you said about being careful to give them the respect they deserve and scripture admonishes us to, but at the same time, I have to realize that I'm 30 years old and DHs wife first. The funny thing is that even if DH and my parents had the kind of relationship that I feel they should have, I still wouldn't want to travel home that much. I really feel that my parents are trying to make up for "lost time" as it were. As a family, we had fun, but a lot of what I remember was a WHOLE lot of bickering and fussing and cussing and I refuse to introduce that into my family. The generational curse will end with me. Sarah and any other siblings that God will bless DH and I with WILL NOT have to endure that. Can you believe it, I just really thought about it myself, I will be 31 years young this year, God-willing, and the same kind of stuff is still going on that was going on when I was in college. How sad!! Anyway, as I said, I will pray for you and your family and ask that you will do the same.
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August 15th, 2006, 12:37 PM
Rusha's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 12,942
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Hi Ladies

I wish I could say that I know what you mean, but I don't. My parents live in Ottawa which is 14 hours away and I never get to see them. They have only seen Aiden twice since he has been born and they miss him like crazy. I do call my parents a lot and whenever they make their suggestions or whatever, I have the freedom to just hang up the phone and forget.

My inlaws live about 30 minutes away from us. We don't have a car, so we can't just go over there whenever we or they want. We have to make arrangements. I like it like that. Before, when we had a car they would call for us to come over because they wanted to see Aiden. But now, they can just call us to see if it is convenient for us.

I don't know what to tell you ladies except that I will be praying for you that things get better!


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August 15th, 2006, 12:50 PM
christianmommato3's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: OHIO
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I am sorry you are going through this right now.
I think in order to keep your relationships with your parents and your dh/dd. There needs to be some compromise. They can't expect you to cancel your plans all of the time. you need to realize that they just want to see their grandbaby... Maybe say that once a month, I will go visit you and once a month you come here.
I am just throwing out some suggestions...
please pray about it before you talk to your parents again. God will give you the right thing to say
stay at home, homeschooling momma to Jacob(12), Alisha(10), Andrew (5)

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