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September 1st, 2006, 12:03 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,715
OH, Honey, Baby, Darling, you sweet thing you. You are a good mommy just for reaching out for help as you are right now. You love your little babies and your DH loves you. Do you go to church? Can you please find some help there??? You sound as though you may be depressed. Churches have resources to help you through difficult situations and they are kind and loving people.

First off, I just have to say. Forgiving your parents is one thing and allowing YOUR children to be potentially put in a situation which could be TOTALLY devastating to them is another.
PLEASE DON'T leave your precious little babies with them without your supervision one more time. I am in tears right now and shaking over this post. I am begging you to pray and pray about this. You need guidance. You have been abused and you need healing. Your babies don't deserve what you suffered and you should never feel guilty for protecting them. Please remember that whatever you are thinking or feeling, your children have no defense as little ones to fend off potential harm. Your mother does not sound strong enough to help, as she did not help you when you called out to her.

Please find some resources in your area to help you cope with this. I am praying for you and your family. Many hugs and many many prayers to you.
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September 1st, 2006, 01:52 PM
dinamommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 11,610
Oh, sweetheart, I'm sooooo glad you've decided not to let your children stay with your mom and step-dad anymore. I would be super suspicious if they tried to make you feel bad about not wanting you children to stay with them. If you step-dad is TRULY sorry, he would understand why you don't want them to be alone with him. Protect your kids first! You can forgive you step-dad, but not have anything to do with him. God never says we have to be best friends with those who have wronged us. Quite the contrary....the Bible says that there will be consequences for our actions no matter if we repent or not. Just because there won't be eternal consequences if we repent, doesn't mean that we don't have to suffer consequences here on earth. I have forgivin my dad for the abuse that my brother and I suffered from him when we were children, but I don't have a close relationship with him to this day. When he comes to visit, I don't even like to be in the same room with him alone and I've never left my daughter with him. The way I see it, forgiveness is more beneficial to me than it is even to him, but I still don't have to have a REAL father/daughter relationship with him. I really hope that you can move on with your life soon, and if you have to sever ties with your mom and step-dad to do that, then there is no sin in that. Remember, you have a heavenly father who is SOOOO much better than our earthly fathers and loves you so much. Lean on him for your comfort. He won't leave you.


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September 1st, 2006, 02:05 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,715
Wow, you are one courageous and strong woman. Congratulations to you for being such a wonderful and protective mommy. I am very proud of you. I should have added to my last post that if your mom and step father are truly reborn Christians, then they would bless and respect your decisions, and not make you feel guilty for them.
I think many of us have to forgive our parents for the mistakes they made and for the relationship we will never have with them. We need to find that relationship in the Lord and try to be the parents to our children that our parents never were to us.
We are the mommies now and must make some difficult decisions that can sometimes break ties with the ones that we love to protect the ones that need protecting. Our own families.
You can forgive the person, but not the action. That is ok.

I am not a bible expert, but I promise you it is there for you and all you have to do is say a prayer for guidance and open it up. It will help you and heal you just like it has done for me.

Please stay in touch with JM. Just wait until the hosts get to read your posts. They are two very supporting and loving Christian women who will have plenty of gracious words of comfort for you.

I will be thinking about you and praying for you.
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September 1st, 2006, 05:37 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,385
I totally agree with not letting your children stay at your mom's and stepdad's. I would never let them be there unsupervised. In the event that your stepfather has not changed his ways, and your children would suffer abuse, you would never forgive yourself.

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about the kind of mom you're being while you're pregnant. When I am pregnant, my kids watch farrrr to much tv, and I don't think I am that good of a mom at all most days.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) things will get better.
mom of 5 girls
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September 1st, 2006, 08:25 PM
christianmommato3's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: OHIO
Posts: 15,943
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you are not a bother.. we are here for you
stay at home, homeschooling momma to Jacob(12), Alisha(10), Andrew (5)

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September 2nd, 2006, 08:35 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,715
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about the kind of mom you're being while you're pregnant. When I am pregnant, my kids watch farrrr to much tv, and I don't think I am that good of a mom at all most days.[/b]
I agree. Maybe you can try to find something to do with them that you like to do? If you like to shop (like I do) take them all to the dollar store and let them pick out a present then go get ice cream.(just another of my favorites)
If you just want to sit and veg. cuz you are pg, can you let them watch a video and all of you watch together? Make a movie date and eat popcorn or something.
Let them bring you books you can read to them.
Put on some of your favorite music and let them dance around to it.
Color together.
Well, now you know what I do all day, lol.

My prayers are with you and I hope you are doing ok today. I hope this helps.
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September 2nd, 2006, 09:51 AM
Rusha's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 12,942
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Sorry I am not responding right away, I was away on vacation. Here is what I think.

#1 - You are a great Mom. There are so many days that I feel like I am the worst mother out there. I too struggle with not wanting to do things with Aiden, like right now. He is playing on the floor and I am playing on JM. Would the perfect mother be playing with him? Probably. There are also other times I feel horrible, like when he is screaming his head off for all he is worth and I have no clue why, or if his diaper has been dirty for ages and I had no clue or didn't change it right away. Just a few things, but they weigh heavy on my heart. It plauges me. But deep in my heart of hearts, I do know this. There is no such thing as a perfect mother...but God did perfectly plan our lives. While I have so many feelings of failure, God chose to bless me with my beautiful son, just as he has blessed you with your children. He has entrusted them to you, whether you think you are the one for the job or not. And I bet if you asked any of your children, they would admit that there is no other owman in this world that they would rather have for their Mom. You're doing great! When you have feelings of doubt or regret, just pray and thank God for choosing you to be the mom of your beautiful girls and ask him to help you. He loves you and answers prayers.

#2 - When you are pregnant, you have raging hormones, and emotions...which lead to doubt and fears and worries and just...ANYTHING. I experienced this as well, when I was pregnant. Reading the stillborn board was something that I did after I had Aiden, but I still couldn't help but wonder why my baby lived and those women had babies who did not. I think the answer is that no one really knows why God allows things like that to happen in the first place. I asked my husband about it just yesterday actually (although we were talking about SIDS), and while he didn't have an answer, he DID say that babies bring us such great joy, and maybe God wanted to have that in heaven as well. No one really does have an answer, at least not one that I have seen.

#3 - God is totally in control. Before you were even born, He know who your children would be and the number of their days. One of my favourite sayings is this: Do not worry about what the future holds, for God holds the future. I am just as guilty as the next person for worry. I am a constant worrier, and as such I always take comfort in this passage. Phil.4:6,7 "Do not worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. (NLT). Just something to tuck away and bring out when you have one of your worry moments, which happens a lot in pregnancy...I remember!

#4. I am so sorry to hear about things that happened to you in your child as a result of your stepfather's actions. Forgiveness is so hard sometimes, especially when the crime against you was so sinful and disgusting and wrong, and so hurtful. I am sure you want to forgive, but it is just so hard right now, especially when you have young girls. Forgiving your parents will take some time, will take years and prayers and perhaps even counselling (maybe you are already doing that, I don't know -- my best friend was sexually abused by her uncle when she was a girl and she needed counselling, a christian counsellor was what she needed, but it may not be the case for everyone). I would pray and ask God to help you learn to forgive, and to take the pain and hurt away. Other than that, I don't know what else to say here. It is so hard.

#5 - I know that you are probably trying to smooth things over with your parents as it is, so having your children there will definately make you uncomfortable and you may not want to say something. I know this is totally different, but there is a man in my parents church who is an ex pedefile. He abused young boys. While he was in jail, he became a believer and now is a wonderful christian, still it makes me so nervous to have Aiden around him. He is actually not allowed to be 10 ft. within reach of any boy under the age of 14. So, we have to sit near the back or whatever. Anyways, it has really made it hard for me. My parents keep telling me that God has forgiven him for his sins and that my fear of him and my disgust at what he has done in his past is stifling my chances to get to know a wonderful christian man. But, I know exactly how you feel. What I suggest is that you leave your kids with your parents for the day but not overnight, OR if they want to have a sleepover that they do it at your house while you are home.

I hope that this helps you, I know that it must be so hard for you, and I really have no idea. I am just sort of spouting off here...forgive me.


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September 12th, 2006, 09:39 PM
Sunshine412's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 485
Sorry this is late, but I just read your post. I'm not an expert by any means, but I do know this: it is your job to protect your children, no matter what. Don't ever feel guilty about that, if something happened to those girls while at your mom's and step dad's, you would never forgive yourself. And they should not make you feel guilty for trying to do what is best for your children because that is very manipulitive. I would suggest that if you want your daughters to see them, then have all visits be closely supervised by you. There is someone that I do not feel comfortable leaving my daughter with, so my husband and I are always in the room with her when this person is around, and we take her into another room to change diapers and such. Other people know about this arrangement, because the person who we don't like to leave her with tends to take her and dissapear when we're in public, and having a few select people aware of what's happening has helped us tremendously because I cannot always be everywhere. I hope this helps, and I pray that you will always put your children first. As you said, when it comes right down to it, your mother will choose your step dad over you, every time, and I think that when it comes right down to it, it is important you always choose your children over your mother.

PS What you said about being a bad mother... When I feel like that with Lily, it helps to do one of two things. 1) Have my husband take care of the baby for a couple of hours so I can have a break. That does amazing things for my sanity! 2) Get out of the house! Sometimes I get so sick of being here that I think I am tired of being a mom, but then I leave for awhile (with Lily!) and it makes a world of difference. My car is broken right now, so we take walks, play with sidewalk chalk, swim in her kiddie pool, read on the porch, take her stroller to the Dollar General, etc. Sometimes I just need to do something fun and out of the ordinary with her to remind me why I love being a mom!
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