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Future Adoptive mom with a question.

Forum: Birth Moms


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March 2nd, 2011, 08:05 PM
Posts: n/a
I hope that you ladies don't mind me posting here. I have some questions and I feel that the only people who could really answer them are birthmothers.

My DH and I have two biological children but because of health concerns we have chosen to adopt any future children. So we have spent the last few weeks researching and learning about adoption. We went back and forth between domestic and international adoption and have finally (I think) decided that we will do a domestic adoption. At first I was only willing to do a closed adoption but after much reseach and spending many hours on different forums I have come to the realization that that is not what I want at all. I am now open to semi or open adoption. I want my child to know their mother, father and entire family. But, I have concerns. I admit they are all selfish and reflect my own insecurities.

So, I came here to ask you ladies.. how is your relationship with the family that adopted your child? Do you wish is were different? How have you gone about setting up boundries while staying open to each other. What made you choose the adoptive family that you chose?

Again, I hope you don't mind me posting here.

Last edited by ZeliaMarie; March 2nd, 2011 at 09:31 PM.
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March 3rd, 2011, 11:29 AM
BoobyDutyAgainJen's Avatar Proud Mom & Birth Mom
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 28,941
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how is your relationship with the family that adopted your child? Do you wish is were different? How have you gone about setting up boundries while staying open to each other. What made you choose the adoptive family that you chose?
Our relationship is pretty awesome! We respect boundaries, we go with the flow, we have open communication, and we accept each other as we are. I wish I got more pics, more details, and I would love it if we were closer geographically so more frequent visits was possible(I am in MA they are in IL). From the beginning we established that we would see where things took us. We would think always about what was best for Olivia and research shows that open adoption is absolutely best for the child. How can more love for the child be bad?!?!?

We communicate a lot by email. If there ever is a time where one or the other party needs space we just don't email. Life gets in the way sometimes...we accept that sometimes we need breathing room.

I chose my adoptive family because she was a single mom, older, and had no children. She wasn't going to get another chance to get a baby. It was a perfect fit!!!! I love her and the entire extended family.

Adoption IMO should seriously be a lifelong connection between the adoptive family and biological. There will be questions and comforts that can always be answered and having that bridge open and maintained helps.

Good luck on your adoption journey!

Thanks *Kiliki* for the precious siggy!

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March 5th, 2011, 09:55 PM
Claysgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 823
I'm Katie, I'm a birth mom to Rebecca who is almost 8 years old. I got pregnant at 16, and gave birth at 17. I have a semi open adoption with my birth daughter

How is your relationship with the family that adopted your child?
We have a great relationship. We have really built a wonderful friendship over the last 8 years. They are such amazing people who have been so warm and caring towards me and I just love them. We have a semi open adoption, so early on I only had limited information. I only knew first names, I knew the city that they lived in but no more details. At first all contact went through our agency, then gradually they opened up more lines of communication. Now, we don't communicate through the agency, we usually just e-mail or facebook. About 2 years ago they gave me their PO Box address so I can send gifts directly to them
(they live in the mountains and mail isn't delivered directly to their home). In the last year they have passed along their phone number and my birth daughter has actually called me a few times. Previously all our visits were in a public place like a restaurant, but last summer I was invited up to the town they live in to see my birth daughters dance recital. It's been a learning process for both parties, we had to get to know each other better and learn to trust each other. And now we have such a wonderful relationship!

Do you wish is were different?
Sometimes I wish things were different. I read a lot of adoption blogs and some birth parents have really close relationships with their children's parents, they go visit at the home, babysit their birth children, go to family functions etc. While I don't necessarily want all of the above I do wish that at the beginning I wasn't so afraid to express what type of openness I was looking for. I think that put a lot of stress on me earlier in my adoption story. I was always afraid if crossing the line, because I wasn't sure where that line was! But, that is my own fault for not speaking up!

How have you gone about setting up boundaries while staying open to each other.
We never really set any boundaries; we had an original agreement that for the first year they would send pictures once a month. As time went on and our relationship grew stronger we just moved forward with what we both felt comfortable with.

What made you choose the adoptive family that you chose?
I looked through lots and lots of profiles and didn't like any of the families, but I couldn't tell you why. The family I ended up picking were most like the family I grew up with. They were very family oriented, liked to travel and try new things and seemed very down to earth.

Please feel free to ask any questions you have, I love helping out adoptive parents! And good luck in your journey, please keep us posted!
Momma to Matthew 4-15-09
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March 21st, 2011, 10:12 PM
tawny63's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Pullman, WA
Posts: 731
I am an adoptive mom and just wanted to add that we adore our son's birth mom and the relationship we share. We met her at the hospital and while there has been some bumps, overall we are understanding each other more. I am excited to be adopting again (hopefully soon) but realized that I'm terrified of having a birth mom that wants a closed or semi-open adoption. Our birth mom has been a huge blessing to us. We just saw her recently and she answered all our questions about how she felt about us and what she's gone through emotionally. She has secondary infertility and we are so sad for her to experience that. I wouldn't trade her for anything. We did a domestic adoption and placed quickly...she always says that she picked us b/c she knew that I would go crazy waiting!
TTC since 01/04
IUI 05/06 & 10/06 BFN
IUI 11/06 BFP!!! Labeled as chemical
12/06 clomid 50mg=INSANITY and OHSS
Decided to adopt 01/07
raced to the hospital to get our baby boy in August 2007, 12 days after we went "live" to adopt!
Mental break....ahhh. Mommy time....ahhhh. <3
Endometriosis surgery 01/16/09
Femara+IUI 03/09, 04/09, 05/09, 06/09 BFN's
07/09: mixture of acupuncture, herbs, hope, and prayers
09/2009~too much pain, had to go on BCP's.
06/10: Starting adoption process again!!!!!
10/13/10: Adoption paperwork done...now just pray and wait....
01/07/11 profiles turned into the adoption agency.
Matched April 1st, 2011 with a baby girl!
Cassidy born June 15, 2011

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October 4th, 2013, 12:48 PM
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 4
While I only placed my son two weeks ago, the relationship I have with the adoptive parents is wonderful so far! I feel that we are going to have a great relationship and they have been so amazing so far and I get emails and pictures every few days. I have their phone number, address, facebook info, email addresses, and the told me their last names from the start. We have set visits every 3 months through the agency but we agreed that since they only live an hour away and they visit my area often that I will be seeing my son more frequently. They are actually bringing him next week to meet my son and we plan to have their pictures done together for Christmas. They have also told me that down the line once my other son is comfortable with them that he is always welcome to spend the weekend or nights at their home so he can be with his little brother, as they want the boys to be close. This is a direct quote from the most recent email I received "Ours is going to be an amazing relationship and we feel that Corbin can only benefit from knowing where he comes from and having a relationship with you and your family"

I feel very fortunate!
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