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Open v. Closed adoptions?

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September 15th, 2011, 09:11 PM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 40
I'm 8 weeks, and my partner and I are set on adoption. We've actually already met with a social worker at an agency today and filed our intake paperwork. Now we're faced with the decision and lots of pamphlets... open adoption or closed adoption.

I believe he wants a closed adoption... but what if I want open? What are the pro's and con's of each? The literature they've given us makes everything look so easy and perfect, but I'm not dumb and I know that I will hate myself if I make the wrong choice in this.

Birthmoms, any advice? What type of adoption do you have, and how did you decide? This is just all so overwhelming...
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September 18th, 2011, 11:08 PM
Cheyingo's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 122
Welcome to Birthmoms

I originally wanted closed, I thought it would be easier on both me and the father. But the more we worked with our agency and the more we went through the process, we decided on open 100%. Our agency was wonderful and gentle about the entire process, we were able to choose if we wanted the adoptive parents at the birth and if we wanted baby to stay in our room, etc. We were also able to write up a contract of what both parties wanted, AND got to choose the name.

It's going to be a hard process, but you're doing a wonderful thing by giving a gift to a family in need. I tell myself that every single day and it helps me through the process. Even after almost two years after placing my son, I don't regret my decision because I did what was best for him. To answer your question, I'm extremely happy with choosing an open adoption, I get to see how he's doing, I receive pictures and updates, texts, and opportunities to visit. It's hard but when I see that big smile on his face it makes it all worth it. The birth father doesn't have to be on the same page about what kind of adoption you choose.

This decision isn't easy but open adoption worked for me. A lot of couples are being seriously educated in the benefits of open adoptions (they weren't very popular back in the day) which made the process easier for us. We got to choose the couple we wanted and they've gone so far as to tell us they'd like to have Liam know our future children. If you have ANY questions, please PM me! It was an extremely difficult road for me so if you need to vent I'm always here to lend an ear.

HUGE thanks to Typical Vampire for my amazing siggie! ♥

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October 3rd, 2011, 12:44 AM
BoobyDutyAgainJen's Avatar Proud Mom & Birth Mom
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 28,941
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^^^Said perfectly!!!

I chose open for so many reasons. I wanted the door to always be open. Whether or not we wanted to go through it is a different story, but I wanted the option. Of course now, nearly 13 years later I can't imagine the door NOT having been open. I get to know this sweet, introspective, intelligent, fun-hearted, loving, almost teen! It seriously has allowed me to heal in many ways.

My birth daughter's mom and I always said that we would keep the lines of communication open and take things day by day. If anyone wanted MORE contact to speak up, anyone wanted LESS contact to speak up. That way no feelings were hurt and we could always do what was best for Olivia. Each birth mom/dad wants different things. Do your research, keep asking questions, and delve deep inside yourself to a year from now, 5, 10, etc.

I am also a PM away! Do not hesitate to contact me!

Thanks *Kiliki* for the precious siggy!

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February 9th, 2012, 01:02 AM
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 8
I'm 14 weeks and scared to death so I asked for help from the Pregnancy Center. And to my surprise they gave me alot of information about adoption agencies and group therapy with girls my age.
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February 10th, 2012, 09:45 PM
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 8
Not sure if I can ask this question or not. Is their any ladies here that have a bond with the family that has adopted their baby? Also should I even be looking into adoption and searching for a family at 14 weeks or should I wait until I'm farther along? T hanks for all your help!

Last edited by overhaul; February 10th, 2012 at 09:47 PM. Reason: typo
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March 21st, 2012, 02:25 PM
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 12
Hi .. I am a birthmom.. I have a very close relationship with my daughters adoptive parents. I dont think that there is ever a to early time to start looking into your options but ti dont think there is ever a to late of time either.. My daughter was 8 months when I placed her and she is the most well adjusted little girl you would ever meet. I would love to talk if you need some advise.. It has been 12 years now ..
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October 4th, 2013, 12:24 PM
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 4
I wanted a closed adoption at first..until I saw my son for the first time. I fell in love with him immediately and I knew I would never have been able to cope with the not knowing. The adoptive parents I chose are amazing..they are all for me being a part of my little boys life, as they never want him to feel like he is missing a part of himself. I sometimes feel that it is unfair to them, what if he decides later in life that he wants to be closer with me..will it hurt them if he wants to call me mom? I don't think so, as birth mothers we are important in this process too..we did carry them under our heart's for 9 months and it would be wrong for anyone to feel as if we should be able to give them up without being hurt as well. My APs understand that and they feel that my son can only benefit from an open adoption. They have pictures of me holding him on his dresser..pictures of my other son on his wall. We agreed on visits every three months..they send me pictures and updates frequently. I know this isn't always the way it works so I feel truly blessed. If you do decide on open adoption, be sure to ask your attorney if the papers are enforceable because I have heard stories of APs having the adoptions closed once the adoption is finalized.
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October 7th, 2014, 01:20 PM
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1
I know this is an old post, but I'm curious to know what you decided and how things are going with whatever decision you made. Adoption has changed a lot since I was placed for adoption over 30 years ago. I now have 4 adopted children and am blessed to be close to each of their birth mothers.
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