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It's my first Mother's Day without her...


Forum: Birth Moms

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  #1  
May 12th, 2018, 09:25 PM
Newbie
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Chicagoland, IL, U.S.
Posts: 1
Last year at this time, I was pregnant, and knew I had an adoption plan. I didn't have the family picked out yet, but I had been working with an agency for a couple of months, the paperwork was being taken care of, I was confident in my decision.



Then.....she came. She came early. Three weeks early. We both nearly died. I required a blood transfusion. She almost suffocated to death. And I knew the instant I heard her tiny little wail that I would scorch the earth for this little girl. I would move heaven, I would take on hell to ensure her safety, security, and happiness. And I felt like I'd been gutted when I realized that I had been absolutely right all along: that I wasn't the best thing for her. As much as I wanted to keep her, I needed to keep her safe. I wanted to give her things I couldn't offer. She needed stability. She needed consistency. She needed a mother. I couldn't take care of myself. I had been mentally and emotionally unstable for years, on and off various psychotropics, hospitalized half a dozen times in the preceding three years. I was not what this child needed. And I couldn't live with myself if I kept her out of my own selfish want.



So I signed the ****** papers, I kissed her, I told her I loved her, I handed her to her new parents and I walked out of the hospital empty-handed. And it was the right thing to do. I know that. I do.



And I love her parents. I adore them. They're the most amazing people I could have ever asked for. I love everything about them. I love that she gets to keep them. But they're not me.



And the hole in my heart...it's not getting any smaller. It's not getting easier. I don't know what to do with myself. I hate myself for not being what's best for her. And I miss her so much..every day..always....and I don't have anyone to talk to who can relate. I feel so alone..and so full of despair..and the last few days, I've been having a harder and harder time convincing myself to get out of bed, to function, to leave this room. And I just don't know how to deal with this....
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  #2  
May 14th, 2018, 09:27 AM
Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: North Carolina, USA
Posts: 377
The feels are real. Wow, and wow to this post. Itís a hard and brave decision you made, you kept her and gave her away, and you can keep being brave. You have been brave and will be brave. You will balance your life for her, you will make yourself a woman for her to look up to, you will take advantage of the opportunity that her adoptees are giving you, a chance to pull your life together for her. She will grow, and they will protect her, you will grow and you will pray for her. You get out of bed for her, you go to work for her, you shower and brush your hair for HER. and one day, she will find you. And she will be so happy to meet you, to get to know you, and you will be someone she will always look up to. It seems far away but it isnít. Every day brings you closer together again. And what a Motherís Day that will be.... love you and praying for you. Keep your head up mama.
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anguish, birth mom, grief, loss, sadness

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