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May 2nd, 2008, 03:19 PM
short_n_swt's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Somewhere in Ontario
Posts: 2,611
why do you think so many mom's are so competitive in mommy wars?

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May 2nd, 2008, 03:28 PM
Just Nana's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: keenesburg colo
Posts: 15,461
I am not so sure I call them wars it just seems to me that people are so into what they believe and believe it so hard that they forget that there are other options and other opinions out there. We are all moms and we all feel that we are doing what is best for our child and sometimes take it as a personal attack when we are constantly , and that could be in our minds only, told that you are not doing what is best for our child. If you feel very strongly about something we sometimes forget that there really is another wonderful caring mom at the other end of this computer who just might be wanting some futher information and not want to be berrated for her choices.

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May 2nd, 2008, 03:39 PM
acupofjoe's Avatar Proud mama of three!
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: washington state.
Posts: 21,372
they all think there better then one another.
Nessa proud married working mother of three kids in Washington state. Trying to raise our family of five as LDS. Taking life one day at a time.
Jordan - 6 yr; Stan - 4 yr; & Tyler - 2 yr.
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May 2nd, 2008, 06:05 PM
PinkSand's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Zonee
Posts: 328
Heck, some only claim to have passion for certain subjects because it doesn't come across so judgmental. I guess I can say I have the passion for fashion and fitness and I use it by making sure my daughter doesn't leave the house looking like some huge freak.
"There are hundreds of millions of gun owners in this country, and not one of them will have an accident today. The only misuse of guns comes in environments where there are drugs, alcohol, bad parents, and undisciplined children. Period."
Ted Nugent

“I'm not a role model, ... Just because I dunk a basketball doesn't mean I should raise your kids.”
Charles Barkley

"Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework."
Bill Cosby
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May 2nd, 2008, 11:50 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
I don't believe in "mommy wars" - I really don't think they exist. I think many women feel strongly about their parenting choices & sometimes that is offensive or intimidating to others...and that comes from EVERY side of EVERY issue. I think too that any time a woman is assertive about anything society has to give it a negative connotation...so I for one will not buy into it as a war. I think intelligent passionate moms can debate the merit of ideas & concepts without it being catty or a war... When men discuss things & disagree they don't call it daddy wars...and they are the ones that are in the news for physically fighting with umpires at little league , etc and getting thrown out of games...LOLOLOLOL.

Sure there are always those "types of people" that are actually competitive on all sorts of levels..kids, cars, houses, clothes, purses, etc... I don't care & don't even worry about it. People who really spend time thinking about that stuff miss the big picture & aren't worth my time anyway.
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
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Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
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God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

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May 3rd, 2008, 07:22 AM
SugarNSpice's Avatar VBAC Mommy!!!
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: TN
Posts: 6,463
Every mom always wants validation that her way is the right way and when someone comes along with a different view and saying that HER way is the right way and your way isn't.....then there starts the mommy-wars. It would be great if we could all just accept each others differences and realize that there is more than one way to raise a child and that when it comes down to it...we are ALL trying to do what's best for our children and our families and that means different things for different families. We all just need to quit ######in' and be supportive of each other. We're all mothers going through the same thing and the last thing we need is more hardship, don'tcha think? But....I don't see it happening. Women just like to gripe. lol
Jamie, mommy to: Jillian 7/19/05 (c-section), Addison 6/4/07 (VBAC),
& Evan 10/16/10 (VBAC)

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May 3rd, 2008, 07:52 AM
Posts: n/a
Jamie, LOVE your new siggie!

I dont think its a war for 90% of the moms out there. I think that MOST moms feel strongly about thier decisions and SURPRISINGLY most are accepting of other moms decisions to do otherwise as long as they are INFORMED about what they are doing. The mommy wars come into place when you have that one or two rogue mommy who says thing that are TOTALLY innapropriate, or misunderstands something and totally takes it out of context and makes a stink about it. Of course everybody notices the mommy that is yelling about something in a room when 10 others are talking normally and having disagreements but in a cilvilized manner. People notice the ones that get all crazy. Does that mean that most mommies are fighting a war with each other? No, not at all. I have specific thoughts about things, but I'm not going to go flip out on someone get upset and imply they are a bad mom because of it, and think my way is the ONLY way. There are SOME things that I think are difinatively better for the MAJORITY of people, but there ARE exceptions, and if you are informed and TRUTHFULLY fall into that category, then that is FINE, and should in no way feel bad about that.

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May 3rd, 2008, 07:55 AM
Little Mrs Sunshine
Posts: n/a
i agree with beck. You will never see me tell anyone they are a bad person or parent. I don't think people are bad just because I think some of their choices are bad. Some people think my choices are bad. I used to get offended and defensive about it, but I learned they are passionate about what they believe and I am passionate about what I believe. I don't see why people associate someone thinking a choice they are making is bad as that meaning that person is being judgmental of them. There are a lot of people I have a lot of respect for even though I don't agree with some choices they make. I do not judge them, I just don't approve of some of their choices.

As for supporting other moms, or even people in general, I support all choices that *I* believe to be healthy - even if they aren't choices I would make myself. I don't think my way is the only way. I'm definitely not super mom and have learned lots of things from other passionate mommies that I wouldn't have learned if they were just blowing smoke up my butt telling me everything I did was fine. I personally feel more supported by people who test my beliefs and educate me and open up new choices for me then people who just say "thats great, its your choice"

I'm not God or the Judge in a court of law. So I can't judge people for their choices. But I can judge the choices themselves as whether or not I view them as good or bad choices.

I don't see why we can "berrate" people for throwing their kids off buildings but if we debate breast milk or circumcision then we are in a mommy war. No, I don't find those CHOICES comparable, but that is kind of my point. That its one thing to judge someone's choice then to judge the person making the choice. I don't think the moms whose babies get thrown off buildings are bad moms. I don't think moms who formula feed are bad moms. I think throwing your baby off a building is a bad choice. I think moms should try to breastfeed.

I guess some people feel strongly that people's actions define who they are... but I think at least some of the time or part of the equation is that people's actions define what they know. They could actually be a really good person with excellent, well meaning intentions, who wouldn't throw their babies off a building if they knew better and agreed with the new knowledge provided to them. (im just using this example sorry I didn't mean to include another debate in this)

I think at the very least, all the mom on justmommies.com and other parenting boards are there because they love their kids and want to do what they believe is best for them. I try not to take debates personally or think of them as mommy wars. I've learned a lot that I am SO THANKFUL I have learned and changed my ideals in many areas that I now realize were the better choices all along. I never would have learned that without the passionate mommies I've met in my journey of parenthood.
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May 3rd, 2008, 03:49 PM
Tofu Bacon
Posts: n/a
Also bear in mind that that passion often comes from somewhere. If a mom is extremely passionate and vocal about, say... breastfeeding, it could very likely be because her negative experiences drive her to want to educate others and dispell the misinformation and myths that just won't die out. Or another might be passionate about childbirth because of her experiences. Or maybe a mother is passionate about vaccines becuase she happens to have a vaccine-damaged child and wants to inform others that vaccines are NOT always safe and effective, and injuries are unpredictable and often irreversable.
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May 3rd, 2008, 05:37 PM
SugarNSpice's Avatar VBAC Mommy!!!
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: TN
Posts: 6,463
I agree with you, Cori!! That is definitely why I am so passionate about childbirth and VBAC now. Passion definitely comes from experience. I often find though, despite my desire to help others, unless they are open to hearing what I have to say and listening, my passion is kept to myself. Most moms who haven't BTDT do not care to hear what I have to say. If a mom is dead set on getting an epidural b/c she is scared of the pain or whatever (even if she has never experienced labor), then she doesn't want to hear al the risks involved in making the decision to get an epidural. If a mother wants to choose repeat c-section for whatever reason and is scared of VBAC, they don't want to hear how small the risks really are...they just want someone to say "you know what, repeat c/s IS the right thing...you're making the right decision"...when actually that's not always the case.
They just don't want to hear anything that means that they may not be making the best decision.....especially decisions that might be made out of fear of the alternative.

Kathy.........THANKS! I love it too!
Jamie, mommy to: Jillian 7/19/05 (c-section), Addison 6/4/07 (VBAC),
& Evan 10/16/10 (VBAC)

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May 3rd, 2008, 06:06 PM
Little Mrs Sunshine
Posts: n/a
that is really well put cori and jamie!

I think people care about other people and sometimes it doesn't come across the same way. Some say "who cares its their decision" but I think a lot of times the intention isn't bad. you just want those people to reap the benefits of good decisions and not be harmed by the same bad mistakes you, or someone you know, made in the past. The truth is though, as its already been said, some women truly feel they are making the right choice (the way I felt when I was vaxing my son) and they either things go well for them, or they dont, but they learn through THEIR experiences. not ours.

No one came and said "I told you so" about vaxing to me. I felt guilty though. the information was provided to me and I thought I'd "take my chances". I thought people were being ridiculous fighting so passionately about the subject. I wish I had listened now. And yet, here I am selectively vaxing and I still have to worry if this alternative is safe. is not vaxing safe. How do I decide? Many times you can't teach someone from your mistakes. You can only pray they don't have the same results as you did. I admire people who do their best though to stand up for a cause because I do see them reaching some people. If 100 people hate them for it they still think its worth it for the 1 person who thanks them for it later down the road.

and I know I'm one of those people who are hated by some and loved by some for being so extremely passionate. It stinks. I also have a hard time expressing myself in little words, which leaves open too much room for people to misunderstand my intentions and become offended. Which I do feel bad about, and is something that I work on... but 23 years of poor communication skills and I just started working on them about a year ago I think its going to take a while to learn how to communicate in a more friendly way about the things Im passionate about. I'm thankful for those who love me despite my communication flaws, and learning more about what is a "socially appropriate way to communicate" from those who despise my current style of conversation. I know I mean well though, so I appreciate those who understand I am only this vividly passionate because I care about others. I just also have to learn when to step back because its not my job to care about everyone else.

and Jamie I really love your siggy too! Your kids are gorgeous! STUNNING!
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May 3rd, 2008, 06:11 PM
SugarNSpice's Avatar VBAC Mommy!!!
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: TN
Posts: 6,463
Awwwie, thank you. I think they're stunning too, but I guess I am a bit bias.
Jamie, mommy to: Jillian 7/19/05 (c-section), Addison 6/4/07 (VBAC),
& Evan 10/16/10 (VBAC)

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May 3rd, 2008, 06:29 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Lafayette, LA
Posts: 4,346
because i think that deep down inside we all are worried that we wont be "good mothers".. so if we can prove to the world that our baby is "smarter" "cuter" "happier" ect.. then it somehow proves our worthiness as a parent.

thats just my theory though. however, competing in these so called "baby wars" can completely backfire if your baby somehow doesnt "perform" the way u want them to (as in breastfeeding doesnt work out, they dont meet their milestones, they make bad decisions as adults ect ect)... then in ur heart u feel like u have somehow failed ur baby and are a "bad mother".

this is why every baby should be celebrated for who they are: pros cons good and bad. and dont compare urself to other mothers!

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May 3rd, 2008, 07:18 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: North Texas
Posts: 17,716
I guess on these areas of JM I dont consider it mommy wars. I classify mommy wars as the NEED to make sure tha t you feel and that others "know" your baby is better and that your parenting skills are the best and the "only" way to do things. Debates are about presenting opposing facts. Mommy wars, comparisons, judgements are not about facts, but about PERCEPTION. You cant win in debating perceptions
"I will make it through this because it is for her and for her, I will do anything. I am not brave, I am not strong, I am just Rhiannon’s mom". Our TTC/Adoption/Pregnancy Blog: Jump Over The Rainbow

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