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  #1  
May 4th, 2008, 08:17 PM
short_n_swt's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Is privacy a previledge for teenagers?
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  #2  
May 4th, 2008, 11:10 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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That's a tough one.

Everyone has a right to privacy. But at the same time, a parent has an obligation to keep their kids safe, which means invading their privacy.

I think that a teenager has a right to a certain level of privacy, as long as they've earned it. So yeah.. that kinda makes it a previledge.

My brothers get no privacy. Mom checks what they do online, she's been known to eaves drop when needed (one of them is a devious little bugger)... but she didn't do that with me.... I guess it was live and learn... good kid comes first, the next two made her suspicious.
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  #3  
May 5th, 2008, 02:08 AM
acupofjoe's Avatar Proud mama of three!
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i think everyone should have some amount of privacy but i do also think that parents have to right to find things out about there teens if they think there teens are doing something bad.
i dont mean like snoop through there stuff just because, i mean if there kid is acting like they are on drugs then yeah i think a parent has every right to look through there kids stuff to find out, especially if its in there house. there house, there rules. when the kid pays for themselves then they can have all the privacy they want.
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  #4  
May 5th, 2008, 07:22 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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I never had privacy growing up and it seriously messed me up. My mom would go through all of my stuff the minute I left the house. I wasn't doing anything wrong. I had never done anything to make her not trust me. After I moved out, I became super paranoid about my privacy. I can hardly leave DH alone in the house because I am scared he will go through my things. I know it is irrational, but I value my privacy so much that I can't bear the thought that it is being invaded again. Because of this, my child will have privacy. If think you can protect your child and know what is going on without taking that away.
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  #6  
May 5th, 2008, 08:07 AM
Xx5Xy1+'s Avatar What's your superpower?
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I think there are certain levels of privacy that my daughter is entitled to... but only up to a point.

I have the responsibility of ensuring her welfare and safety and when necessary, that responsibility does over ride her privacy. If I have reason to believe she is doing something that will effect her welfare, then I will do everything I can to find out what it is. She lives in our home, her room is her room because we allow it to be, she has a door because we allow it, her stuff is her stuff because she has shown the responsibility to have those things (such as her computer, etc... not things like clothes, posters, etc). Having said all that, if I suspected she was doing drugs... I would remove the door from its hinges, go thru everything (including her computer, clothes, bags, diary, etc) because I am responsible for ensuring her safety. Her possessions would become my possessions until she earned them back again. To me, that tosses the "right" to privacy right out the window.

Granted this is a worse case scenerio... Smaller infractions (such as getting mad at me and having a teenage tantrum by slamming her door, means she gets a baby gate to keep her sisters out instead of being allowed to close her door... since she showed me she couldn't close it properly) obviously wouldn't bring about lock-down lol
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  #7  
May 5th, 2008, 09:34 AM
mommyKathyX3
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Quote:
I think there are certain levels of privacy that my daughter is entitled to... but only up to a point.

I have the responsibility of ensuring her welfare and safety and when necessary, that responsibility does over ride her privacy. If I have reason to believe she is doing something that will effect her welfare, then I will do everything I can to find out what it is. She lives in our home, her room is her room because we allow it to be, she has a door because we allow it, her stuff is her stuff because she has shown the responsibility to have those things (such as her computer, etc... not things like clothes, posters, etc). Having said all that, if I suspected she was doing drugs... I would remove the door from its hinges, go thru everything (including her computer, clothes, bags, diary, etc) because I am responsible for ensuring her safety. Her possessions would become my possessions until she earned them back again. To me, that tosses the "right" to privacy right out the window.[/b]
I completly agree. My kids will have privacy as long as they EARN it. Its not thier "right". If they are responsible, and I have no reason to not trust them, I will let them actually have lots of privacy. If they ruin that trust, or give me a reason to NOT trust them then thats it. Sorry. Privacy is gone.

I hope to have a good enough relationship with my kids that anything I NEED to know about they will tell me anyway. Its not going to be an easy road, but I've known teens that literally talk to thier moms/dads about EVERYTHING. I am first a mother, but that doesnt mean I cant also be thier friend, but when needed mom trumps friend.
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  #8  
May 5th, 2008, 09:46 AM
whatever
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I think everyone deserves privacy unless they show that they do not deserve it. If I think my kids are doing drugs, I will be the first to go through their stuff. Hopefully we will never have to go there.

ETA Online privacy is out of the question in our house. At least at the ages they are at now.
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  #9  
May 5th, 2008, 10:01 AM
short_n_swt's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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i agree that online privacy would be out of the question for the most part, the net is so influintial and it worries me.

However, I think that not allowing my teen to close her door because she slammed it in an attempt to show her anger towards me is going over board. I wouldn't excuse the behaviour but would not not let her shut her door.
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  #10  
May 5th, 2008, 10:29 AM
mommywannabe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I actually think the not being allowed to shut the door after slamming it is a great idea! I'm gonna forward that on to DSD's mom later today. LOL. I think if the child is at an age to understand that slamming the door in unaccaptable and they choose to do it anyway, there should be consequences directly related to that action. I mean, taking away tv privleges because of something totally unrelated to the tv, doesnt make much sense. I think that is a great idea and will most likely use that myself! LOL.

I think that kids are entitled to a reasonable amount of privacy. Unless and until they show that they can not handle that responsibility. There have been times that DH and I have had to take all tv privleges away from DSD because when we left her to herself in her room with her tv, she watched things that she knew were inappropriate and that she was not allowed to watch. We gave her privacy and she misused it. As she gets older I'm sure she'll be better about hiding things she doesnt want us to know about, LOL, but we also know her tricks and can tell when she's done something she shouldnt have cause she always feels and LOOKS guilty. HAHA. Occassionally I might wonder through her room while dropping her clean clothes on her bed, just to make sure everything looks as it should in there. But I have never read her diary or snooped through drawers. Just a quick glance around to make sure nothing seems out of the ordinary. She is not allowed to shut her door unless she asks us first or if she's getting dressed. Her room is around a corner at the end of the hall and the only reason anyone has a reason to walk past is if they go to the bathroom and even then the only thing we can see is her bed, no other part of her room. She's got a pretty good little nook back there and is very private without shutting her door. I just dont like closed doors in my house because a closed door means your trying to hide something and we dont hide things in my home. I'm not saying we dont close doors while getting dressed or things like that. But if she's just hanging out in her room reading or watching tv or whatever, there just is no reason for a closed door. We have always told her that we will trust her until she gives us a reason not to. Once she loses that trust, its very hard to earn back and we reserve the right to snoop as much as we have to to get to the bottom of whatever is going on. At one point she lost everything in her room besides her bed and dresser. She lost our trust, she kept doing things over and over again to get herself deeper and deeper in trouble...lie after lie after lie....so slowly she lost the privlege of just about anything that was her's, besides her clothes, books and bed. Once she realized we were serious, she started working at earning our trust back and keeping her earned right to her stuff and her privacy in her room. Luckily we nipped it in the butt quick and it only lasted a few months and she's been back on track since. I very much think privacy for a teen or pre-teen is an earned right.....if you cant be trusted, you dont deserve privacy because as others have said.....I have the responsibility to keep her safe and if I think she's doing something that could harm her or threaten her wellbeing then I have the right to take that privacy away.


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  #11  
May 5th, 2008, 07:49 PM
acupofjoe's Avatar Proud mama of three!
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i slammed my bedroom door when i was about 14 and my mom acually took the door off the hinges for one week and i never slammed it again after that.
nothing worse then having no door for a week, especially at the age of 14!
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  #12  
May 5th, 2008, 08:13 PM
Marian_the_Librarian's Avatar Member
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To an extent. I had one of those snoopy mothers... she went through my diary, my backpack and purse, searched my room, etc. She never FOUND anything, even when I was doing things she probably should have known about, so it accomplished nothing, except for making me better at hiding things and completely irrational as an adult about privacy. I actually think if she'd been less nosy, I might have had my guard down more when there were things that she probably needed to know, and she would have known them. Somehow we all survived my teen years, but really, the snooping didn't help much.

As to the door thing... I think ALL children old enough to dress themselves and take care of their own personal hygiene are definitely entitled to body privacy. It would take something FAR more extreme than slamming a door to make me take the door off its hinges. Or to, say, forbid locking the bathroom door (I've heard of this too -- I know no one mentioned it here.) How are we supposed to teach our kids that they have a say over who sees their bodies -- or things beyond seeing -- if they don't have that basic right at home?
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  #13  
May 5th, 2008, 08:19 PM
irishxrose
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Yes, it's a priviledge. My son will have privacy if his grades are good, and he's not doing anything that I find to be inappropriate for his age or what have you. However, online privacy will be nonexistent, and myspace and other social networking sites will not be allowed until he is at least 16, if not older depending on his maturity level. Honestly, I haven't really thought about it yet since he is so young. I'm sure my DF and I will come up with rules about it when we get closer to that age.

Quote:
As to the door thing... I think ALL children old enough to dress themselves and take care of their own personal hygiene are definitely entitled to body privacy. It would take something FAR more extreme than slamming a door to make me take the door off its hinges. Or to, say, forbid locking the bathroom door (I've heard of this too -- I know no one mentioned it here.) How are we supposed to teach our kids that they have a say over who sees their bodies -- or things beyond seeing -- if they don't have that basic right at home?[/b]
I do agree with this. Taking a door off its hinges because your child slams a door is extreme IMO.

If my mom had done that, I wouldn't have had a door from the age of 12 to 18.
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  #14  
May 5th, 2008, 08:27 PM
short_n_swt's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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To an extent. I had one of those snoopy mothers... she went through my diary, my backpack and purse, searched my room, etc. She never FOUND anything, even when I was doing things she probably should have known about, so it accomplished nothing, except for making me better at hiding things and completely irrational as an adult about privacy. I actually think if she'd been less nosy, I might have had my guard down more when there were things that she probably needed to know, and she would have known them. Somehow we all survived my teen years, but really, the snooping didn't help much.

As to the door thing... I think ALL children old enough to dress themselves and take care of their own personal hygiene are definitely entitled to body privacy. It would take something FAR more extreme than slamming a door to make me take the door off its hinges. Or to, say, forbid locking the bathroom door (I've heard of this too -- I know no one mentioned it here.) How are we supposed to teach our kids that they have a say over who sees their bodies -- or things beyond seeing -- if they don't have that basic right at home?[/b]
I agree, I also think there is more to privacy then just 'what are they hiding in their drawer'. I rented a room from my aunt when I was 22 for a brief amount of time and she would not let me close the bedroom door for anything, or lock the bathroom door. People need privacy even to have some quiet time, reflect their thoughts. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that piece of mind for a few minutes alone everyday. Why can't I lock the bathroom door anyways? I never understood that, that and the fact I was paying to rent somewhere and being told I couldn't have my bedroom door closed or lock the bathroom, but she was like that since we were young. My cousins and I still feel 'violated' to this day.
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  #15  
May 5th, 2008, 09:30 PM
Just Nana's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I also agree that its a privilage. When my daughter was acting up I did go thru her things, when my step son was on drugs we were constantly searching his room. The other step son we never searched he gave us no cause to.

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  #16  
May 6th, 2008, 06:30 AM
mommyKathyX3
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I dont think the door thing is too much. You can always change in the bathroom, and its not like you cant have ANY privacy, just that the door is not there. Unless somebody went INTO my room, I still had privacy to a point. I almost NEVER kept my bedroom door shut when I was younger (except when I was slamming it ) I seriously might take that in consideration for future use.

In my entire teen years I only remember my mom "snooping" one time, and it was unintentional. I had a note I stupidly left in my jeans pocket and she was washing clothes. She was looking to see what it was, and to see if it was throw awayable. Well, TECHNICALLY she could have just folded it back up and put it away in my room once she saw it was a note, but she chose to read it. Nothing too terrible, but I was dating a guy (but NOT sleeping with him) at the time, but it was the typical mushy "love" letter crap. My mom questioned me, and I felt SO violated! She was just wanting to make sure I was being "safe" if I was doing other things, but I wasnt so that wasnt an issue. I see now I probably would have done the same thing. From that day on, I was SO careful about where I put stuff. Over I never really did anything to betray her trust, and she said that because of that I earned her trust.

My other two sisters were a WHOLE different story seriously, my mom CONSTANTLY was snooping, and they needed it or they would probably be in jail or dead right now. I think after them, my mom took me as a BIG releaf!
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  #17  
May 6th, 2008, 06:48 AM
Spud'sMom
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IMO, if you're living in my house and I'm paying the bills, privacy is an extreme privilege. My mom always said, "If you wouldn't want to tell me what you were doing, it means you're doing something wrong."
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  #18  
May 6th, 2008, 11:31 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Miguel will have his privacy. If he is doing something that I need to know about most likely I will not find it in his room or snooping. I'll find it because he'll slip up an leave obvious evidence somewhere. I use to be so paranoid that I would burn any letters I had a home, any notes in school where ripped up and put in several different garbage cans. Even though I was not a very good kid my mother still could not find any evidence of me doing anything that would be considered bad even though my slip ups we're more then suspicious. I think snooping gives parents faults since of security or faults "positives". The funny thing is I know if they did not snoop I'd be more willing to go to them when I needed them.
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  #19  
May 6th, 2008, 11:38 PM
chlodoll
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I agree that privacy is deserved as long as there are no reasons for concern. I am very uncomfortable with people touching or going through my things and I wouldn't want to make someone else uncomfortable just because I am the Mom and I can.
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  #20  
May 6th, 2008, 11:59 PM
Just Nana's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If you have a child that is doing drugs like mine was I did search his room and when I found his drug crap I would make him destroy it. Did it stop him from bringing it home no. Did I think it would no. But no way was I going to allow that in my house. As he was under age it was I felt my responsibility to try what I could to help. We even allowed the police on several occasions to search his room ( he got into a lot of trouble) it was amazing the places they found stuff that I had never even thought of looking.
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