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  #1  
June 5th, 2008, 10:50 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Another debate got me thinking..and I *think* we have debated this before some time ago...but do you think you can really live your life never ever ever lying in some way or another?

Like for instance...I have a friend that I am very close with, she used to be married to my cousin & they had kids. When I am telling a story to someone that doesn't really know her, etc, I often cut out explaining that she isn't really family & we just see each other as family (do holidays together, etc) and say she is my cousin...so that I give the gist of our relationship without having to digress to explain how we are actually related (or not related anymore, etc). I am not trying to deceive anyone, but just abbreviate with less detail. But that IS technically a lie. So even though I don't typically lie, and I don't like lying & I don't think you should lie...I don't always tell the whole truth either when I feel it isn't necessary to get into a lot of detail in a given situation (such as the one I described)....

I also found that at times I lied about my mc's because I didn't want to discuss it. if someone I didn't know well started to talk about when we were going to start trying to have kids, etc...not knowing I had had mcs..and if I didn't feel like I wanted to discuss it, etc...I would sometimes say "we just aren't ready yet"...rather than maybe end up teary, or discuss something too personal (like sometimes I had clients ask when I was going to have kids...or ask why I was off work maybe...and I didn't want to tell them I just had a mc). Is it okay to lie then?

So is that lying since it isn't totally factual? Can you get by in life without ever telling a partial untruth? Do you think there are times where it is okay to be less that totally honest?
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  #2  
June 5th, 2008, 11:10 PM
SweetSimpleThings's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think there are definitely times in every person's life where something that is technically a lie is told instead of the complete and absolute truth. A "real" lie, to me, is something that has the potential to hurt someone else, to do some damage, or affect something or someone else.

Does it help anyone to tell my dad that, actually no, I don't like this gift that he spent half a year planning to get me for Christmas and that he asks me about every single time he sees me? Does it hurt anyone if my friend asks me if I'm upset about something and I say "no, I'm fine" because it's something I don't want to share with that particular friend?

In particular, I think this applies to people who seem to have no tact - the people who ask you how much you weigh, how much money you earn, how much some item in your home cost, why you're not doing xyz with your child. Yes, I know, the proper response is probably "none of your business" but frankly when it's DH's annoying but daffy aunt, it's not worth the family drama to tell her to bug off.

I hate to admit it, but yes, certainly I lie about some things at some times. But the big stuff? No. I try very very hard, in fact, to be honest about issues that involve other people or that are "critical".

I don't know if that makes sense...
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  #3  
June 5th, 2008, 11:38 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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an untruth and a lie are different.

An untruth. I've miscarried 3 babies. Nope, miscarried one, and out of my twins one was a fetal demise and the 2nd an abortion (both babies had Trisomy 8). I've had a miscarriage and lost twins.. that's how I put it.

My cousin Natasha are very close. untruth.. we're close yes, but we're not related by blood, only marriage, and she's my grandfather's cousin's granddaughter or something like that.. but we call each other cousin.

A lie would be something to hurt someone.
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  #4  
June 6th, 2008, 05:13 AM
acupofjoe's Avatar Proud mama of three!
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i agree, sometimes its best to lie or fib when it isnt going to hurt someone.
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  #5  
June 6th, 2008, 06:06 AM
mommywannabe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My mom always used to call little things like that a "fib". She would ask us a question and if we'd leave out a certain important part of the answer so as to try and avoid trouble she would say "Did you just tell me a fib!?" But if it was something big......like when I was at my friends house, got gum stuck in my hair and we cut a big chunk out of it.....I told her it just broke off. HAHA. Looking back now, I KNOW she didnt buy it, but chose not to make a big deal out of it. THAT, was a lie.

I dont think it hurts to "fib" sometimes. Leaving out something or stretching the truth a little sometimes just makes things less complicated. I dont think making a story into the short version would even constitute as a fib really. Saying someone is your cousin instead of saying they are your cousin's ex-wife who you have remained friends with and still look at eachother as family....well its just a lot easier and quicker to say she's your cousin. Not a fib, just the short version. I dont think there's a thing wrong with that.

Though, as far as little untruthes go....you kind of have to be careful that you dont tell too many of them to too many other people or else you will get caught up in it all and it turns itself into a lie.

Lying, is wrong. Just flat out lying, telling the opposite of the truth is wrong. There's a big difference to me between fibbing and lying. I might FIB to my hubby about something little just cause I dont feel like going into a big thing about something silly or arguing about something that I dont have the energy for. But I wouldnt flat out lie to him. I wouldnt say "Nope, dont know that guy at all, never met him in my life." when in fact I had slept with him a year before DH or something. LOL. But if he asked if I knew him I would say "Yeah, we used to hang out" or "Yeah, I used to know him".....I answered his question, left out the part I didnt feel like dealing with, and moved on. Not a lie, just not a lot of details given.



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  #6  
June 6th, 2008, 10:08 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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I think sometimes it's necessary to not tell the whole truth or to dance around it a bit. I've had random strangers ask fairly personal questions and I'm certainly not going to tell them the whole truth and nothing but the truth if I don't feel comfortable with that.

I also will sometimes tell one of those "little white lies" if it's a situation where the truth would only serve to hurt someone's feelings. Like someone mentioned about receiving a gift that I don't like. I don't usually tell someone I don't like something that they've given me. I don't want to hurt their feelings.

A friend invited me over for dinner once and she asked me how I liked everything. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that her chicken was so dry I thought it had sucked every drop of moisture out of my body like a sponge and that her mashed potatoes were sticky like glue. That would have only hurt her feelings.
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  #7  
June 6th, 2008, 10:36 AM
SweetSimpleThings's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
I think sometimes it's necessary to not tell the whole truth or to dance around it a bit. I've had random strangers ask fairly personal questions and I'm certainly not going to tell them the whole truth and nothing but the truth if I don't feel comfortable with that.

I also will sometimes tell one of those "little white lies" if it's a situation where the truth would only serve to hurt someone's feelings. Like someone mentioned about receiving a gift that I don't like. I don't usually tell someone I don't like something that they've given me. I don't want to hurt their feelings.

A friend invited me over for dinner once and she asked me how I liked everything. I couldn't bring myself to tell her that her chicken was so dry I thought it had sucked every drop of moisture out of my body like a sponge and that her mashed potatoes were sticky like glue. That would have only hurt her feelings.[/b]
Yes, a situation that indeed call for a little white lie. Though I am cracking up imagining what someone's face would look like if you DID say this
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  #8  
June 6th, 2008, 11:08 AM
Just Nana's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree that there is a difference between a fib and a lie. I mean if you have to fib to keep from hurting someones feelings I see that as ok. Like your best friend ask you isnt my new boyfriend a hunk. You look at him and want to gag you cant tell her that it would really hurt.

But if you see that hunk chasing or having another girl you need to tell her that because in the long run she will be more hurt if she finds out that you knew and never told her. If that makes any sense. Now if you tell her that he is running around on her and he isnt and you only said that because you think she could do better thats a lie.
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  #9  
June 6th, 2008, 11:14 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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Nana, ditto to the boyfriend thing. If my friend started dating a guy who was butt ugly but she thought he was hot I don't think I'd tell her that I thought he was ugly. I'd probably just say "he's not my type." Which isn't exactly a lie because butt ugly isn't my type!
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  #10  
June 6th, 2008, 12:01 PM
Just Nana's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Nana, ditto to the boyfriend thing. If my friend started dating a guy who was butt ugly but she thought he was hot I don't think I'd tell her that I thought he was ugly. I'd probably just say "he's not my type." Which isn't exactly a lie because butt ugly isn't my type![/b]

OMG Susan toooooooooooooo funny. I mean how many of our DH or So have said no that outfit doesnt make you look fat.
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  #11  
June 6th, 2008, 01:35 PM
Tiffers's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Nana, ditto to the boyfriend thing. If my friend started dating a guy who was butt ugly but she thought he was hot I don't think I'd tell her that I thought he was ugly. I'd probably just say "he's not my type." Which isn't exactly a lie because butt ugly isn't my type![/b]


I agree with you all. I think it's a lie if the intent is malicious. The whole pregnancy thing is a great point. This is my 5th pregnancy, but I lost my first shortly after birth. I don't always feel up to telling people the whole story, so I'll sometimes say "this is my 4th". I don't consider it a lie, I just don't feel like going in to more detail about what happened with my first at times.
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  #12  
June 7th, 2008, 04:58 PM
.*.H&HMomma.*.'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
I agree that there is a difference between a fib and a lie. I mean if you have to fib to keep from hurting someones feelings I see that as ok. Like your best friend ask you isnt my new boyfriend a hunk. You look at him and want to gag you cant tell her that it would really hurt.

But if you see that hunk chasing or having another girl you need to tell her that because in the long run she will be more hurt if she finds out that you knew and never told her. If that makes any sense. Now if you tell her that he is running around on her and he isnt and you only said that because you think she could do better thats a lie.[/b]
LOL Nana you crack me up!!

Everyone has very very good points there is definatley a difference between a fib and a out right lie.
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  #13  
June 7th, 2008, 06:36 PM
Tammyjh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
In particular, I think this applies to people who seem to have no tact - the people who ask you how much you weigh, how much money you earn, how much some item in your home cost, why you're not doing xyz with your child. Yes, I know, the proper response is probably "none of your business" but frankly when it's DH's annoying but daffy aunt, it's not worth the family drama to tell her to bug off.[/b]
I have to laugh at this and had a long drawn out reply but deleted it because it really had no bearing on the debate at hand.

But anyway, I agree with you in that sometimes its ok to lie and in fact saves a lot of "drama" in the family. I have a "few" family members that we just smile and nod to
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