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  #1  
June 9th, 2008, 02:30 PM
MissTorrieIfYou'reNasty's Avatar Co-Host of Heated Debates
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No, I haven't cheated on my husband. I don't beleive I ever will. But I've cheated on other men before, so I have some experience. Anyway, my point is that this is an abstract discussion, not a petition for advice.

There? Everybody clear? Good. Now we can get to the question of the thread:

Should an unfaithful partner always or never confess his or her infidelity?

Assume, for the sake of argument, that the infidelity in question is not ongoing; that is, we're talking about either one-time encounters or affairs that have been totally broken off. Assume also that the cheater honestly regrets the infidelity and wants the relationship to continue, there are neither pregnancy or disease concerns, that there is little or no danger of the infidelilty being exposed, and the cheated-upon partner has not asked.

Does the cheater owe it to the other person to fess up? Or does the cheater owe it to the relationship to shut up and shoulder the burden? Does it matter what form the infidelity took-- e.g., genital, anal, and oral sex should always be confessed, kissing not necessarily, sexy dancing no?

Answer as many or as few questions as you wish.
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  #2  
June 9th, 2008, 02:39 PM
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I have cheated on my husband but when we were dating. Long story short, we were having issues and I did not see us going anywhere, especially marriage. I was going to tell him when we had some alone time, but a friend of ours heard about me cheating and told him. I think I owed it to him to tell him. I would never cheat now that we have dealt with our issues, got married and been thru everything we have been too. Looking back, me cheating and him finding out woke him up enough to realize that if he wanted to stay with me, he had to change what he was doing. The realization of me leaving/cheating got to him when words didn't. I am not proud of it, but DH agrees with me that the cheating was our turning point. We are together and happy because of it. He was just stubborn. Leaving wasn't enough, it was the cheating that clicked in his mind. All my boyfriends always cheated on me, one even got a girl preggo when we were together. I had alot of issues from that. I was pretty screwed up when it came to relationships. DH and I helped each other work otu our issues. There was love there, but it wasn't enough.
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  #3  
June 9th, 2008, 03:39 PM
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Jeez louise, tough question. I have to ponder this ... my first instinct was to yell "YES, the partner HAS to tell the other one!" But then after reading the rest of it (ie. no risk of disease, no intention to do it again, wants to stay in relationship, etc.) I kind of faltered a bit.

So, I'll be back to this one ...
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  #4  
June 9th, 2008, 04:28 PM
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I think if you tell in order to "feel better" and get it off your chest that is the wrong reason. I am on the side of the fence that says always tell because it is the RIGHT thing to do. YOU may want to stay in the relationship...but the other person has a right to decide that for themselves knowing all info involved. I cannot imagine deciding for my Dh what he does & doesn't need to know. I also cannot imagine really ever feeling true intimacy when I wasn't being honest. How do you feel a connection when you are hiding something? I would always want to know & I would always feel like I HAD to tell, not for the guilt (although I am sure I would have immense guilt too), but out of respect for my spouse.
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  #5  
June 9th, 2008, 04:29 PM
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I dont think the answer is ALWAYS nor do i think the answer is NEVER.

Ill ramble on more about it later lol...

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  #6  
June 10th, 2008, 04:29 AM
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I cheated (not on DH) once before,and I told my ex-partner the very next day and we split up.I couldent live with myself or with a lie like that,so I got it off of my chest the moment I saw him.
I totally think its something that shouldent be kept a sectret,because I think that cheating is just hiding a deeper problem that should either be solved or the couple should go their seperate ways.

DH and I were going through a "crisis" a few years back,and he cheated on me with a german tourist.I found out when she went home because she started leaving VERY sexual messages on his cell phone,also explaining that she had left HER husband and was coming back here to be with mine.

I found the messages and was DEVISTATED!!! Mainly because she was coming back here to be with him,and he must have known Id find out...I would still have been devisted if he told me,but I stil think that thats what he should have done,especially if he wanted to save our marriage and work things out.Also,to this day,I often ask myself why he didnt tell me..like,if I hadent found out for myself,would he have carried on with her? Would he have let her move here? What would have happened? Did he keep it a secret because he wanted to stay with her? kwim?

In the end,we did work through it,but the fact that he never told me anything for him self (I kept finding things out from his friends,and even from the girl herself!!) really made things alot harder.

I hope I never have to deal with that again,but if I do,I want DH to be the one to tell me...I dont want to just stumble across something like that on a day where I think everything is going great kwim?

As of now,I think that telling your partner that you have cheated is a sign that you either want to fix the situation by being honest and proving that that affair is over (hense being honest and coming clean) or a sign that your relationship is over.Either way,I think its something that should be said.
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  #7  
June 10th, 2008, 06:57 AM
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I think the cheated on partner should be told. If one partner has cheated there is clearly some sort of problem with the relationship and needs to be dealt with if the relationship is to continue. The problem may only be with the one partner but they both will need to work together to solve the problem.
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  #8  
June 10th, 2008, 07:22 AM
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If you or your partner has cheated I feel that you should tell. My ex cheated on me many times I would ask he would deny until the last one when I found out for sure ( he finally fessed up in counseling ) I left him. He never admitted to the other 3 he kept saying it would do no good for me to know. Cheating is never the answer in my opinion. If you want to cheat get out of the relationship first then go and do what ever the heck you want to.
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  #9  
June 10th, 2008, 08:52 AM
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I can't really answer. I just don't know but honestly if I was the one who had been cheated on I wouldn't want to know and I think him living with the guilt of not telling is a fitting punishment. I do think if he had an actual relationship with someone else I'd want to know. People almost alway look at cheating so one sided but sometimes it is much more complicated than that. A lot of times a relationship has to bein real trouble and one or both partners is feeling really unloved, unappreciated and lonely and then someone comes along who is paying attention to them making them feel important, special, loved, ect.. they cheat because they like the way this person makes them feel and then realize it was a completely wrong thing to do and they should have just talked through things with their s/o and decided to fix things or go there separate ways. It isn't an excuse for cheaters or anything like that cheating is wrong and will never help a relationship but sometimes I do think keeping it to yourself will and dealing with your guilt is the right thing to do.
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  #10  
June 10th, 2008, 09:04 AM
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Quote:
I think him living with the guilt of not telling is a fitting punishment.[/b]
The thing is,some people actually dont feel guilty about it until they are actually caught (in the meantime its exiting and fun)..in that case,what do you think?
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  #11  
June 10th, 2008, 09:11 AM
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I think "not being able to live with the guilt" is the biggest cop-out ever. If you've cheated and you've (somehow) gotten away with it and your partner is in no danger and there's no chance they'll find out, it's the most incredibly selfish, self-serving, ego-stroking thing you can do. "Oh look at me, I had an affair and I didn't get caught, so now I'm going to tell you myself just to twist that knife a little deeper." You've already broken your partner's trust and you should feel like CRAP about it, and that's the consequence you have to live with. If you managed to do it and not hurt them, to me the question is WHY do you feel the need to turn around and hurt them now? Live with the consequences of your actions, take responsibility for them and suffer if your conscience is bothering you that badly.
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  #12  
June 10th, 2008, 09:37 AM
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I think "not being able to live with the guilt" is the biggest cop-out ever. If you've cheated and you've (somehow) gotten away with it and your partner is in no danger and there's no chance they'll find out, it's the most incredibly selfish, self-serving, ego-stroking thing you can do. "Oh look at me, I had an affair and I didn't get caught, so now I'm going to tell you myself just to twist that knife a little deeper." You've already broken your partner's trust and you should feel like CRAP about it, and that's the consequence you have to live with. If you managed to do it and not hurt them, to me the question is WHY do you feel the need to turn around and hurt them now? Live with the consequences of your actions, take responsibility for them and suffer if your conscience is bothering you that badly.[/b]
I disagree with this. I would want to know if I had been cheated on, even if there was no danger involved. Plus, a person doesn't just cheat for no reason, either there are problems with the relationship or there is a problem with the person that cheated and as their partner I would want to know and choose for myself if I want to stay or leave, I don't think the cheater deserves to make that choice for me.
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  #13  
June 10th, 2008, 10:04 AM
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The thing is,some people actually dont feel guilty about it until they are actually caught (in the meantime its exiting and fun)..in that case,what do you think?[/b]
If they are cheating for excitement or the thrill of the chase or because they like that honeymoon phase of a relationship then there is a darn good chance they are gonna keep doing it and you will find out anyway. I think people that cheat for those reasons are pretty despicable.
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  #14  
June 10th, 2008, 10:08 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
I think "not being able to live with the guilt" is the biggest cop-out ever. If you've cheated and you've (somehow) gotten away with it and your partner is in no danger and there's no chance they'll find out, it's the most incredibly selfish, self-serving, ego-stroking thing you can do. "Oh look at me, I had an affair and I didn't get caught, so now I'm going to tell you myself just to twist that knife a little deeper." You've already broken your partner's trust and you should feel like CRAP about it, and that's the consequence you have to live with. If you managed to do it and not hurt them, to me the question is WHY do you feel the need to turn around and hurt them now? Live with the consequences of your actions, take responsibility for them and suffer if your conscience is bothering you that badly.[/b]
I disagree with this. I would want to know if I had been cheated on, even if there was no danger involved. Plus, a person doesn't just cheat for no reason, either there are problems with the relationship or there is a problem with the person that cheated and as their partner I would want to know and choose for myself if I want to stay or leave, I don't think the cheater deserves to make that choice for me.
[/b]
ITA with the bolded.I dont think its selfish to tell someone you have cheated...the cheating its self was the selfish act.How can telling your partner that you cheated be any worse than what you have done? Admitting to it certainly isnt if you ask me.
I think that when someone confesses that they have cheated,its because they either regret it and want to work through the situation,or they admit it because they are dumping their partner...I certainly dont think its because they are bummed out that their partner didnt find out and they wanted to see their reaction (hurt them).

I cheated ONCE and I told my ex because I felt that what I did was wrong,and I realised that there was something seriously wrong in our relationship that could no longer be fixed.So I told him,and we split up.
I didnt want to hurt him by telling him,and I didnt think I was selfish.In DO think my DH was being selfish by not telling me when he cheated.
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  #15  
June 10th, 2008, 10:38 AM
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If you were stupid enough to cheat, the other person DEFINATELY needs to know. I would be alot more pissed if DH kept it from me. No doubt I would leave him either way. But if he cheated, he obviously don't love me enough for me to be the only one in his life and our marriage would be a lie.

If someone only tells because THEY couldn't carry the burden is pretty selfish, on top of selfishly cheating. If they don't tell its to save THEMSELVES, so once again they are just being selfish. If you cheat you don't deserve sympathy. I hate when people who cheat tell their loved ones and cry and cry...come on, get real. You should have thought about that before you cheated. In my opinion, if someone cheats, the person they cheated on should dump them flat out. Kids, no kids...just flat out end it. They don't deserve to be with that person and they don't deserve a second chance. If they feel so bad about, their loss...they shouldn't have cheated.
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  #16  
June 10th, 2008, 10:44 AM
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If someone only tells because THEY couldn't carry the burden is pretty selfish, on top of selfishly cheating. If they don't tell its to save THEMSELVES, so once again they are just being selfish. If you cheat you don't deserve sympathy. I hate when people who cheat tell their loved ones and cry and cry...come on, get real. You should have thought about that before you cheated. In my opinion, if someone cheats, the person they cheated on should dump them flat out. Kids, no kids...just flat out end it. They don't deserve to be with that person and they don't deserve a second chance. If they feel so bad about, their loss...they shouldn't have cheated.[/b]
Have you had any real serious problems in your marriage yet? I have had some pretty bad ones andhave come close to cheating. It just isn't that simple I love my husband and he loves me but love can't always get you through all of your problems. Anyone watch the episode of Lost where Jin finds out Sun cheated on him? perfect example
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  #18  
June 10th, 2008, 11:06 AM
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Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE
Quote:
If someone only tells because THEY couldn't carry the burden is pretty selfish, on top of selfishly cheating. If they don't tell its to save THEMSELVES, so once again they are just being selfish. If you cheat you don't deserve sympathy. I hate when people who cheat tell their loved ones and cry and cry...come on, get real. You should have thought about that before you cheated. In my opinion, if someone cheats, the person they cheated on should dump them flat out. Kids, no kids...just flat out end it. They don't deserve to be with that person and they don't deserve a second chance. If they feel so bad about, their loss...they shouldn't have cheated.[/b]
Have you had any real serious problems in your marriage yet? I have had some pretty bad ones andhave come close to cheating. It just isn't that simple I love my husband and he loves me but love can't always get you through all of your problems. Anyone watch the episode of Lost where Jin finds out Sun cheated on him? perfect example
[/b][/quote]
I ditto this!
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  #19  
June 10th, 2008, 11:14 AM
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Quote:
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE
Quote:
If someone only tells because THEY couldn't carry the burden is pretty selfish, on top of selfishly cheating. If they don't tell its to save THEMSELVES, so once again they are just being selfish. If you cheat you don't deserve sympathy. I hate when people who cheat tell their loved ones and cry and cry...come on, get real. You should have thought about that before you cheated. In my opinion, if someone cheats, the person they cheated on should dump them flat out. Kids, no kids...just flat out end it. They don't deserve to be with that person and they don't deserve a second chance. If they feel so bad about, their loss...they shouldn't have cheated.[/b]
Have you had any real serious problems in your marriage yet? I have had some pretty bad ones andhave come close to cheating. It just isn't that simple I love my husband and he loves me but love can't always get you through all of your problems. Anyone watch the episode of Lost where Jin finds out Sun cheated on him? perfect example
[/b][/quote]


The hardest thing we went through was my miscariage...almost broke us up. I am only 19 and have alot to learn, we have only been married a year and 7 months, but the betrayal of cheating alone makes me shy away from temptations. In my personal opinion if you "think" about cheating its different from actually cheating. I'm pretty sure at one point everyone might consider cheating, but to actually go through with it is a whole new situation. Means you have thought it through, had a chance to say no...but didn't. Losing my husband is enough for me to say no to another guy, one night or a few months of a guy who doesn't respect the fact that I am married isn't enough to convince me of ever cheating. Nothing would push me to cheat, I think it is the lowest thing to ACTUALLY go through with it. I am talking cheating on someone you married. That commitment should be a life long bond to that ONE person.

Mine is referring to marriage alone. I have cheated on guys in middle school, but I was stupid in middle school. But once I met DH, I never once cheated. In fact, once I hit 15 I thought cheating was horrible and from then on vowed to never do it. I seen how it ruined a relationship between a family and I would never put my family through that. i don't care how bad my marriage was...if its bad, why make it worse?
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  #20  
June 10th, 2008, 11:19 AM
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No, I don't think they always need to be told but I used to have a different opinion on it. Personal experiences have a way of changing ones opinion sometimes.
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