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  #1  
November 14th, 2009, 12:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Baytown, TX
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When do you think it would be okay for your spouse to move on and start dating others?
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  #2  
November 14th, 2009, 12:20 PM
Gina1978's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Mallorca (Spain)
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Well,Im planning on haunting my husband and making sure no one goes near him so...


Seriously? When ever he feels ready.I wont be around to see it (I hope! lol) so he can do what he wants.
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  #3  
November 14th, 2009, 12:29 PM
**Badfish**'s Avatar Worth Saving
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Hopefully ASAP or else my poor child will never have matching clothes or vegetables.
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  #4  
November 14th, 2009, 12:46 PM
Gina1978's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess is Write View Post
Hopefully ASAP or else my poor child will never have matching clothes or vegetables.
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  #5  
November 14th, 2009, 12:51 PM
IAmMomMomIAm
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess is Write View Post
Hopefully ASAP or else my poor child will never have matching clothes or vegetables.
Haha, that was an awesome response!



My answer though - I don't care. My kids will need a mother, and I would expect him to find them one. I don't know how long he WOULD wait, but whenever he feels ready would be fine with me.
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  #6  
November 14th, 2009, 01:48 PM
*Jillian*'s Avatar Baby #3 on the way
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The appropriate time should be up to my spouse.

My mother died and she had been married to my dad for 36 years. He waited 3 months to get out and date and some thought that was crazy. I just saw how alone he was and how he hadn't been alone in 36 years. I was happy he could go out and find someone to keep him company. I would hope the same thing for my husband. Nobody deserves to be alone because other people think there is an appropriate grieving time. Grieving is a very personal thing and it is different for everyone. Just because you decide to date doesn't mean you don't still love and miss the one you lost.
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  #7  
November 14th, 2009, 06:12 PM
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Never. Seriously, we both agreed never to move on. LOL I know I should want him to be happy when I'm gone, I just can't think about it.
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  #8  
November 14th, 2009, 06:16 PM
glasscandie's Avatar What I make is what I am
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Whenever he wants, and I know it's the same if he died. When you die, you're dead - no reason that the surviving partner shouldn't be happy for the rest of whatever remains of their life. Especially if it was a young age.
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  #9  
November 14th, 2009, 06:35 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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As long as it doesn't interfere with him focusing on helping my children through their grieving & it is done in a way as to respect their feelings he can start dating as soon as I am in the ground & I have said as much. I am not sure I would want to date personally - as I am paranoid & would be afraid of what that person could do to my kids as well as being concerned that my main focus remains on them (and that may not be fair to a potential partner)...but I don't need to worry about that at present & will cross that bridge if I come to it.
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  #10  
November 14th, 2009, 07:45 PM
mama_reese's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm not sure. I wouldn't want him to be lonely and unhappy, but obviously I don't want him to be with other people right away.
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  #11  
November 14th, 2009, 08:06 PM
Jarheadwed's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I would rather not know.
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  #12  
November 14th, 2009, 08:10 PM
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As long as he is not bar hopping and putting up single ads the night of my funeral...it's totally up to him.
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  #13  
November 14th, 2009, 08:54 PM
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I dunno. It would probably take me a long, long, long time to get over Tony in any way to where I felt like I could date others. Honestly, I can't imagine ever moving on.

But I would want him to be happy, I'd want him to grieve, wouldn't want him with someone else right away, but whenever it was right for our family I would want him to be happy.
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  #14  
November 14th, 2009, 08:55 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think people with happy marriages often marry faster (there are some stats out there but I'm to tired tonight to look). The idea is that they were so happy in marriage that they want to get back out there and recreate that, they don't want to wait a long time to have a spouse and that relationship again

So I'd hope that my husband would have found marriage happy enough of a partnership with me that it would be worth it to do it again
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  #15  
November 14th, 2009, 09:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Jillian* View Post
The appropriate time should be up to my spouse.

My mother died and she had been married to my dad for 36 years. He waited 3 months to get out and date and some thought that was crazy. I just saw how alone he was and how he hadn't been alone in 36 years. I was happy he could go out and find someone to keep him company. I would hope the same thing for my husband. Nobody deserves to be alone because other people think there is an appropriate grieving time. Grieving is a very personal thing and it is different for everyone. Just because you decide to date doesn't mean you don't still love and miss the one you lost.
I just want to say thanks for posting this... because I've really been struggling with the fact that my mom steadily started dating a month and a half after my dad passed. It's been tough on me but you gave me a new point of view. Thanks.
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  #16  
November 15th, 2009, 06:32 AM
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I already answered, but I wanted to add something. I know for a fact that I would "move on" very quickly, in the sense that I would find someone to be with - I would need that void filled quickly, or I would completely fall apart. If my husband started dating a month after I passed because he missed me so much he felt like he would fall apart without a partner to fill that gap - I would take that as a compliment.
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  #17  
November 15th, 2009, 08:36 AM
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Most definitely. I don't know if he would, but I would want him to. No one should go through life alone and sad. Every one should be happy. If I am dead, I am dead. I would want him to move on and be happy. The thought of him with someone else may hurt me now, but I just try not to think about it. I hope to live forever lol.
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  #18  
November 15th, 2009, 10:28 AM
*Jillian*'s Avatar Baby #3 on the way
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melkissa2004 View Post
I just want to say thanks for posting this... because I've really been struggling with the fact that my mom steadily started dating a month and a half after my dad passed. It's been tough on me but you gave me a new point of view. Thanks.
You're welcome Melissa <3. I have had a lot of years to process and think about this and this is what I have come up with....

I know my parents loved each other. That was never a question. I saw how my father took care of my mother when she was sick and that inspired me in my own relationship. They were a shining example of love and togetherness.

So when I go to bed with my husband, or have dinner, or talk about tv, or make holiday plans I think about my dad and all the years he did those things with my mother. Now she is gone...and can't be replaced. But should he have to go through life alone? No way. I felt like it would be selfish to say my dad should stay home and cry in his pillow everynight while I was enjoying my own happiness with my family...and also having my husband as my shoulder to cry on when I missed my mother. My dad has no shoulder, no best friend, no partner anymore. So he should get out and find another person to keep him company. That will help him and it has. He has met a great woman that loves him and loves us. She isn't my mother and he doesn't even try to make it seem like that. He just simply says she is fun to be with. I know my mother would approve.

Having this perspective makes it an easy decision for me. If I die first I want my husband to go on with his life and find somoene else. I am confident in the years we have had together...I will have loved him enough for a lifetime.
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  #19  
November 15th, 2009, 11:28 PM
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Thanks sweetie. And you are totally right. I guess I just struggled because 6 months later I am still grieving a lot over him. I miss him so much. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him or miss him. Sometimes I feel my heart breaking all over again when Kaley points at his picture and says "Where's Papa?" I think I felt like she should have to feel the same way, KWIM? But you are correct. She deserves to be happy even if we are still grieving. I know this sounds crazy, but you have literally taken a huge weight off of my shoulders. I've really struggled with how you could move on from someone you loved so quickly yet most of the other people around you are still trying to accept the fact that he's gone. But it's irrelevant, my mom deserves to be happy and fill that void as soon as she's able to. And no one has the right to judge her for it, even me. Thanks so much Jillian!
(Sorry for derailing )
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  #20  
November 16th, 2009, 06:45 AM
*Jillian*'s Avatar Baby #3 on the way
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melkissa2004 View Post
Thanks sweetie. And you are totally right. I guess I just struggled because 6 months later I am still grieving a lot over him. I miss him so much. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him or miss him. Sometimes I feel my heart breaking all over again when Kaley points at his picture and says "Where's Papa?" I think I felt like she should have to feel the same way, KWIM? But you are correct. She deserves to be happy even if we are still grieving. I know this sounds crazy, but you have literally taken a huge weight off of my shoulders. I've really struggled with how you could move on from someone you loved so quickly yet most of the other people around you are still trying to accept the fact that he's gone. But it's irrelevant, my mom deserves to be happy and fill that void as soon as she's able to. And no one has the right to judge her for it, even me. Thanks so much Jillian!
(Sorry for derailing )
Glad I could help you. I struggled with this a lot also and it took a lot of soul searching for me to come to this feeling. You're mom misses your dad too and maybe she just needs to find some comfort in talking to others or spending her time with someone that ISN'T grieving. KWIM? Like an escape. That is a common form of grieving.

<3 you to death!
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