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  #1  
June 23rd, 2006, 08:56 PM
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Have you(you don't have to answer that unless you want) and would you forgive your SO? How do you feel about it?

I am completely against it. I learned my lesson a while back when I cheated on my then fiance, now husband. I honestly think it ended up hurting me more in the end than it did him. It's not like I just left his house and went to another, he was a gazillion miles away, I had just graduated high school and was living far from home by myself and partying a lot. Dh was moving to fast for me, I wasn't sure I was ready to get married and it kinda freaked me out, at which point I started backing away from him. I let myself get to flirtateous with a co-worker, and then it just got worse and worse until I got to the point of no return. I was just really confused at that point in my life. I couldn't choose between the two guys, I really thought I could have a future with both guys, and didn't know what to do--what if I made the wrong decision?

I told my fiance after I had done it probably a couple of times, we broke up temporarily, I continued to see the other guy, then df and I got back together. But I still lived and worked near the other guy and our attraction was too strong and I screwed up again, at which point df and I broke up again.

He wouldn't talk to me for several months, during which the guy I cheated with and I broke it off. I began really missing df and realized how I had screwed up. For like 5-6 months I came home every night and wrote letters to him even though I had no idea where he was, and cried and cried, and begged God to bring him back to me. I kept the phone by my head every night just in case he would call, even though he didn't know my new phone number. I really suffered for what I did, trust me. So finally I emailed his mom(who hated my guts at this point, by the way-she even called my mom and left voicemail saying I was a who*e and sleeping around allover Raleigh, which I wasn't) this big sappy letter telling her how sorry I was and blablabla. See, I figured to get a guy, his mom has to like you too--at least that's what I always heard.

Time passed(df was now deployed with the military) and one night my phone ran and it was him. Apparently, his mom had 'accidentally' mailed him a cd that had pictures of the two of us on it. He started thinking about me, and missed me. He called my mom who gave him my new phone number---and anyways, long story shorter we got back together and eventually got married and here we are today.

I would never do it again. It seriously caused me so much pain. I have to say I think I would have to forgive dh if he ever did it since I did. But then in a way, there shouldn't be any excuse for him, especially now that we're married. Just because I did it, doesn't mean he gets a 'free pass', you know? He never would, so I'm not worried about it.

Sorry so long, didn't mean to type that much
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  #2  
June 23rd, 2006, 09:15 PM
chlodoll
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I havent personally. I know DH did in previous relationships. But because of his relgious convictions and the way he feels about me I am quite confident that it is never a situation we;ll have to face. If he did cheat it would depend on the situation I suppose. But most likely I would not forgive him and that would be it.
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  #3  
June 23rd, 2006, 11:05 PM
AbbyHannahsMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think if I were to be cheated on .. I think I could forgive but I could never forget. For that reason I probably couldnt go forward with our relationship.. because in the back of my mind I would always worry.
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  #4  
June 23rd, 2006, 11:26 PM
chlodoll
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Quote:
I think if I were to be cheated on .. I think I could forgive but I could never forget. For that reason I probably couldnt go forward with our relationship.. because in the back of my mind I would always worry.[/b]
Can we ever really forget? And if we can never really forget then can we ever really forgive? lol Maybe thats a different debate!
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  #5  
June 23rd, 2006, 11:29 PM
AbbyHannahsMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I guess your right
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  #6  
June 23rd, 2006, 11:30 PM
chlodoll
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I just always wonder about that though. I never forget anything. Especially something that hurt me!
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  #7  
June 23rd, 2006, 11:34 PM
AbbyHannahsMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My DH always gets mad at me because when we fight I always bring up something that happened years ago. I guess I'm guilty..
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  #8  
June 23rd, 2006, 11:38 PM
chlodoll
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lol I do that to! Or I will say you always do this or that and he will ask for examples! Like I have 5 examples ready for him or something! And when I do he has excues for all of them!
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  #9  
June 23rd, 2006, 11:40 PM
AbbyHannahsMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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yeah they always have their stupid excuses...
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  #10  
June 24th, 2006, 01:09 AM
glasscandie's Avatar What I make is what I am
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Nope, couldn't forgive or forget. The marriage would be over.
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  #12  
June 24th, 2006, 02:46 AM
syncere
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BTDT too many times.. Seems I am a magnet for men who cheat... I absolutely hate the idea of cheating.. I mean if you intend to cheat dont be together.. If something happens be honest you know? Dont hide it or lie.. Solves nothing.. My DH (at the time we were just getting to know each other/sort of dating) and I were talking on the phone one day hmm.. about 2 weeks before I was coming out here to visit.. He tells me he was at a party and got really drunk and slept with some girl.. I was in shock that he even told me because we really werent "together" yet.. I asked him do you ever plan on doing that again? He said no.. So I told him ok fine you do it again I wont forgive you and I wont have anything else to do with you.. That was the end of it and so far (that I know of) he hasnt cheated on me and its two years later..
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  #13  
June 24th, 2006, 04:03 AM
Jen25's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It would really depend on the situation. I *think* I would be able to forgive one time. My marraige and family are everything, so Im not going to give it all up for anything less than the worst case scenario. JMO
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  #14  
June 24th, 2006, 06:30 AM
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Quote:
It would really depend on the situation. I *think* I would be able to forgive one time. My marraige and family are everything, so Im not going to give it all up for anything less than the worst case scenario. JMO[/b]
ITA! Even though if my dh were to cheat, I would be heartbroken, and always suspect him of cheating--my marriage is worth too much to me. I know that we both really love each other, and if he did cheat, he would really regret it. I wouldn't want to break apart our family, and have Elizabeth's daddy not around for her.

I think eventually you do learn to trust again, it took dh a long time to totally trust me again, but I think he does now. It just takes time. People make mistakes, I made one, but people can also change.
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  #15  
June 24th, 2006, 07:12 AM
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I honestly feel that I can't say yes or no at this time as to whether or not I would forgive him. I tell my fiance now that if he ever cheats I'm gone, but if he were to do it I'm not sure what I would honestly do. He means the world to me so I would be put in a very tough situation. I'm very fortunate because he's not the cheating type. He never even cheated on any of his girlfriends who he wasn't really that serious with. I used to be a very big cheater when I was in high school, but I wasn't in love with any of those people so I guess that's why it didn't bother me. I would never be able to cheat on my df in any given situation. Nobody else is worth losing my df over.
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  #16  
June 24th, 2006, 10:04 PM
irishxrose
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I cheated on my fiance when we were first dating (long story short, we dated for eleven months, broke up for three months, and then got back together, and here we are now, a year later). He couldn't decide if he wanted to be with me or his ex and I was very VERY angry with him. So I went out and did something I regret to this day. I have never been a cheater, and that was my first and last time cheating. I hid it from him for a long time because I was so ashamed. I finally told him after we had fixed our relationship; because I wanted to get everything out. He forgave me, but he will never forget. I have slowly gained his trust back.

If he cheated on me, I would forgive him but I would never forget.
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  #17  
June 25th, 2006, 12:04 AM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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This is touchy in my situation. DH swears up and down I cheated but here is the situation:

back almost 5 years ago, we were on the verge of divorce and were separated. During this time, I started seeing another man but the relationship ended as quickly as it ended, DH & I decided to work it out. But he still swears up and down to this day I cheated, though he was staying with his parents and I had already retained a lawyer to handle the divorce proceedings.
Still to this day, he throws it up in my face. I could understand if I cheated on him while we were living together as man and wife but not separated. I dunno, am I the only one who feels that way? I know if it was the same situation reversed I would not hold it over his head, only if he did it while we were actually together.
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  #18  
June 25th, 2006, 01:31 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't think I could stay if Dh cheated. I could forgive him - I could forgive a lot of things. I would not harbor bad feelings forever - I would move on - but I don't think I could do it & stay married.

I understand other people can work it out - but I think it is rare to find a man that cheats once. In my experience (and thank goodness - not in my own personal experience - but in friends/family) inevitably they end up doing it again.


I just don't know if I could ever feel like I could trust him again. You see, because I trust him now...and if he did it now, how I would learn to re-trust him later & think that is somehow different from now?

He has cheated on previous girlfriends & we talked about it at length at hte beginning of our relatiosnhip. He understands how I feel about it & how deeply it injures the other person - if he chose to now go ahead & do it anyway - I would see it as him choosing to end the relationship - especially since we have had such serious discusions about it.
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  #19  
June 25th, 2006, 06:55 AM
LouLouMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
I don't think I could stay if Dh cheated. I could forgive him - I could forgive a lot of things. I would not harbor bad feelings forever - I would move on - but I don't think I could do it & stay married.

I understand other people can work it out - but I think it is rare to find a man that cheats once. In my experience (and thank goodness - not in my own personal experience - but in friends/family) inevitably they end up doing it again.


I just don't know if I could ever feel like I could trust him again. You see, because I trust him now...and if he did it now, how I would learn to re-trust him later & think that is somehow different from now?

He has cheated on previous girlfriends & we talked about it at length at hte beginning of our relatiosnhip. He understands how I feel about it & how deeply it injures the other person - if he chose to now go ahead & do it anyway - I would see it as him choosing to end the relationship - especially since we have had such serious discusions about it.[/b]
I agree. I have never cheated, nor has my husband. If he did, I could never forgive him and our marriage would be over. Marriage to me is love and respect and being with another person violates that, beyond repair. I get saying "I love my husband and I would try to work it out" I have to ask though, if your husband is willing to do something so hurtful, what does the marriage mean to him? I view cheating as a "worst case scenario" I don't know what could be worse, having a baby with someone else? I don't agree with staying together just for the kids. Sometimes I think cheating affects the kids just as much as the spouse. It's a betrayal on a lot of different levels.
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  #20  
June 25th, 2006, 07:02 AM
syncere
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At one point in my life when I was younger I would forgive a bf who cheated on me.. But not anymore.. The first time my Dh cheats on me if he ever does (he better not) I am gone and my children come with me.. Even if he swears it was a one time thing and it will NEVER happen again.. I honestly would not care.. He could go the rest of his life without ever doing it again but it would always be there in the back of my head.. I would always wonder what he was doing 24/7 wondering if he is lying to me about anything.. Once the trust is broken it is SO HARD to get it back.. My DH has never cheated on me but, has lied to me a few times about computer issues (porn etc) and I dont trust what he does online one bit.. Im always wondering what he is doing online and if I should be worried if he is taking it further as with girls online etc.. I have a hard time trusting him right now because this is a issue that we have had to deal with time and time again.. I just couldnt deal with it if he physically cheated on me..
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