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The Enabler

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June 27th, 2006, 05:20 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,496
IS the enabler just as bad/guilty as the person they enable? Why or why not, in your opinion?
taking jm breaks if you don't see me around much
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June 27th, 2006, 07:17 AM
baccalynnwv's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 5,232
I suppose it depends on what is being enabled.

I think, especially parents, we have the responsibility to teach our children that there are consequences for actions. Such as crazy excessive debt (I say this because my ex-husband was never taught responsibility with money), drugs, murder, lying.

We as parents have to teach that these things to our children and then let them deal with consequences when they make the wrong decision rather than trying to COVER UP their mistakes - which then enables the child to keep making the mistakes over and over again - and sometimes enabling them to escalate into even worse mistakes.

For instance... the mother with the meth addicted son that "Accidentally" leaves money on the table and finds it stolen later. She loves her son and doesn't want him upset with her or in pain from withdraw... but at the same time doesn't want anyone to think she just hands over the money knowing what he is going to do with it.

Or the abusive son who hits his wife - and the mother who tells the wife that she just shouldn't do the things that make him mad.

But to answer the question.... since I started rambling... I don't think it makes us just as bad, but it places an extra responsibility and fault on our hands if we don't stand for what is right.

ETA: I had sooo many spelling errors.. LOL

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<div align="center">Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6</div>
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June 27th, 2006, 07:46 AM
Posts: n/a
IS the enabler just as bad/guilty as the person they enable? Why or why not, in your opinion?[/b]
I don't think an enabler means to be doing wrong.. In a strange, distorted way, they kill with love. It's unhealthy.
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June 27th, 2006, 09:41 AM
Jessica_'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 6,728
I don't know if I would consider the enabler "guilty" but they are deffinitly feeding the fire.

I will include my story here. My father is an alcoholic. He hurt his back at work a few years ago and got a huge settlement for it. He gave me $10,000 to get a home with an apartment in the basement for him to live. So I did. Our rules were simple. He would NOT drink after moving here. At all. Ever. This was my main reason for agreeing. To save his life. Well, the house was ready, he came here (from Fl.) and his gf came also (just for the weekend). Well, he gets here and what do you think happens? He goes out and buys a 24 pack of Budweiser and brings it in my house and puts it in my kitchen. I am thinking to myself I will let this go until she leaves and then we will have a huge discussion about it and make sure he understands the rules. Well, a few days pass and I notice he is out of money. I am thinking how n the hell could that happen? He had LOTS of money. Well, I discuss with his gf and she explains to me that he has been doing Crack Cocaine.

I was furious! Here he is in my life, basically endangering my sons safety and what does he want to live with me for?!? For security of course. He can go blow his money on drugs and drinking and always have a safe bed to come to. Well, I made him leave. I knew when I made this decision I couldn't keep the house, which I loved but I was more worried about giving him the opportunity to make doing drugs easier.

Soon enough he and her broke up and now he barely has any money and rents a room. Do I feel bad? Yes. I don't want my father to have that life but, I didn't choose it for him. He did. I honestly feel like I may be saving his life(today.. everyone dies of course) by making it more difficult for him to blow money on drugs.

Now, if I didn't have the strength at that moment to turn him away I don't think it would make me guilty of anything, it would possibly mean I am weak, or selfish but I can't say guilty. It is a very difficult thing to turn someone that you care about away and let them fall flat on their face.

On the exact opposite, my DF's mother is allowing her (ex) husband to stay in her basement since he is an alcoholic. I don't think she is guilty either.. I think she is weak. She doesn't have the strength to see him with nothing and struggling because she feels like because of his disease that he is reverted to a child in his mind. She also has said things like "I am not ready to move on, I like it this way, I like being able to ask him to make me eggs, or him taking the trash out". Comments like that make me sick. I think she is being selfish. He needs to fall and get help. But, still I don't think she is guilty. I also think she fears closing this chapter of her life and allowing herself to have fun again. To move on.. to meet guys, she says she likes the security of this house.. she's always been here. I truly think she is scared to do it on her own. (and she can, she is a RN)

So, sorry for the long post, I just wanted to give reasons for my feelings. My final answer is No, I don't feel the enabler is guilty of anything.
~*~Under construction~*~ :-)
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June 27th, 2006, 11:17 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,780
I think if someone is in a relationship with an addict, it is their duty to encourage that person to get help.

But, you can't force someone to get help if they don't want to.

I don't think this means you have to cut them off from your life completely (unless there is a good reason such as you don't want them around your child). It is possible to still talk to someone and care about them, without giving them money or helping them pursue their habit.

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June 27th, 2006, 09:07 PM
AbbyHannahsMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,497
In some case they are. We have a family member that has a bad gambling problem. Her husband always gives her money for it every weekend. He knows exactly what she's going to do with it.. but he does it anyway. They are always complaining about their financial situation.... well it's both their faults really.


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