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commiting to a baby and not to a relationship


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  #1  
July 10th, 2006, 12:55 PM
oicyur's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Here's something I just don't understand. I hear a lot on here how someone just had a baby with their BF, Fiance, or friend and they say they just aren't ready for commitment. What I don't get is that having a baby is the biggest commitment, so if you've committed to having a baby then what's up with the relationship?? It seems a little backwards to me not to mention unfair to the baby you just brought into the world to first commit to the baby and still have a rocky relationship or none at all. I think before you commit to raising a child you should have a secure partnership. That's the least you could do for the child that you just brought into the world.

Now I'm not talking about people who've had a divorce, are widowed, or had an oops baby. Those are different scenarios. But planning on bringing a baby into an unstable environment seems unfair to that baby and like backward thinking. Does anyone agree? I'm sure I have those who disagree.
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  #2  
July 10th, 2006, 12:59 PM
mrobinson
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Now I'm not talking about people who've had a divorce, are widowed, or had an oops baby. Those are different scenarios. But planning on bringing a baby into an unstable environment seems unfair to that baby and like backward thinking. Does anyone agree? I'm sure I have those who disagree.[/b]
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  #3  
July 10th, 2006, 01:18 PM
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I've wondered about this too. I worked with a couple of women who had a babies with their boyfriends. At different times I actually asked them why they didn't get married, now that they were living together, had a baby, etc. One said "I'm just not ready yet." Ready for what? I mean once the baby's already here and you're living together, is it really such a big deal to make it official?

And the other said "Marry him? You gotta be kidding me?" WTH? Why was "he" good enough to have a baby with but not marry? I just dropped the subject each time but I really am curious.
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  #4  
July 10th, 2006, 02:19 PM
Cereal Killer's Avatar Aiming for mediocrity
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I don't get that either! I have a friend who had a child, a planned pregnancy and she and her SO are not married. I asked her why they didn't get married first and her reply was "we are just not ready to get married yet" . I don't see how people can take bringing a baby into the world so lightly and, at the same time, weigh so heavily the decision to marry. Yes, marriage is (or at least should be) considered a life long commitment, but how does it even compare to the commitment of being responsible for the life and future of another human being.

Actually, my own personal experience:
DH and I were not married when I became pregnant with Macey (I never say she was an accident, she was a surprise ), prior to that we had discussed marriage and I knew he was planning on proposing soon. His father asked when went to visit "so when are you going to marry her?" and he replied "I just don't want to move to fast right now"...haha, I told his father "yes, now that I am pregnant, we really need to slow down and take it slow ". Truth be told though, he did propose shortly after that, I accepted, but told him that I would not marry him until after the baby was born and no less than 6 months old. I never wanted him to be able to say that he married me because I was pregnant, I wanted him to marry me because he loved me. I was afraid that if that were the reason he was marrying me, he would grow to resent me and our child, so I just wanted to be sure. Obviously we did get married, and are now discussing when to have #3!
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  #5  
July 10th, 2006, 02:23 PM
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I am one of those people lol. Its not that I'm not ready to commit because I am 100% commited to Eric. Both of our parents never got married and his parents have been together over 50 years and mine 22 years. We just decided cohabitation works better for us. We don't need a peice of paper to prove we are commited and just because you have that paper doesn't mean you are really commited. The divorce rate is 50%. We will however get actually "married" in the future just for legal purposes. We didn't realize how much say he/i lack in case of emergency etc.

I mean I can understand how its stupid people who are in new relationships TTC and I think its stupid for those who say "they aren't ready to commit" yet they are ready to share child with that person for the rest of their lives. Thats irresponsible. Eric and I have been together for years, lived together for years and will continue to do so for hopefully the rest of our lives.
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  #6  
July 10th, 2006, 02:26 PM
chlodoll
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Not everyone wants to get married. No one has to get married. Some people just want to be with each other. They dont need to get married to do that.
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  #7  
July 10th, 2006, 02:26 PM
mrobinson
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I am one of those people lol. Its not that I'm not ready to commit because I am 100% commited to Eric. Both of our parents never got married and his parents have been together over 50 years and mine 22 years. We just decided cohabitation works better for us. We don't need a peice of paper to prove we are commited and just because you have that paper doesn't mean you are really commited. The divorce rate is 50%. We will however get actually "married" in the future just for legal purposes. We didn't realize how much say he/i lack in case of emergency etc.[/b]
My parents are the same.. My step mom has been my mom for 25 years yet isn't techincally married. My dad's messy divorce to my real mom was the reason why they didn't. They didn't think their relationship was at all instable when they started trying for my baby brother. (He's 18 now.)
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  #8  
July 10th, 2006, 02:30 PM
Boxerlove1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Not everyone wants to get married. No one has to get married. Some people just want to be with each other. They dont need to get married to do that.[/b]

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  #9  
July 10th, 2006, 02:37 PM
mrobinson
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Not everyone wants to get married. No one has to get married. Some people just want to be with each other. They dont need to get married to do that.[/b]
Where I agree with you, I think if the situation is at all rocky, bringing a baby into the sitation on purpose.. isn't the healthiest. (I know, I know healthy is subjective.) I'm really passionate about this because I know I spent most of my childhood wishing I wasn't born. I hear people tell me that about themselves and the bottomline is my real parents brought a baby into this world even though they knew the sitation was rocky at best. Yes they both love me with all their hearts and I do them but that doesn't mean it's in the baby's best interest to be purposely made knowing the relationship isn't solid. (That's partly why DH and I have held off. I know some people could know they're stable sooner, but I just don't think it's right bringing a baby into a relationship that's at all unstable.)
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  #10  
July 10th, 2006, 02:41 PM
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I think that people who have a child out of wedlock and say they just "aren't ready" to be married are actually being very wise.. If they are committed to one another, that's basically all that matters.. I mean, I would rather see two parents who weren't married and had a kid living together and raising that child then trying to plan a wedding because it's "what they should do." I think they're being wise by focusing strictly on the child's needs and the pressures of being a new parent, rather than trying to finalize a committment to one another.. I view marriage as a piece of paper.. It doesn't make you any more or less committed to someone if it's there.. And marriage planning, especially when you've just had a child, is just going to make things more unstable for that child than if things stayed as they were--comfortable and secure for all those involved..

But that's just my opinion.
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  #11  
July 10th, 2006, 02:44 PM
mrobinson
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68rn

I just want to clarify to everyone the OP is talking about rocky relationships.. not that marriage should be forced but actually bringing a baby into an unstable relationship. (The type of people who do believe in the institution of marriage however feel a baby isn't a big of commitment as marriage.) I don't think there is anything wrong with bringing a baby into the a relationship that is stable where the couple doesn't believe in marriage. (At least that's how I understood it.)
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  #12  
July 10th, 2006, 03:01 PM
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I'm going to have to disagree. I think that it's unfair to say that only those with a commited relationship deserve to have a child. For some reason, a healthy loving relationship with another adult is just not in the cards. Many women have found that after years in the dating world, they cannot seem to find someone they are compatable with. Does that mean they should be denied a chance at having a child if it's something they have still always yearned for? Should they be forced to wait untill Mr. Right finally does come around, knowing that there is a good possibility that he never will? What if, by the time he shows up, she's too old to have children? Good men are hard to find, and just because a woman is unable to find one does not mean she can't be a good mother-there are plenty of awesome single mom's out there (I'm gonna be one of them! ) who raise happy healthy kids without the perfect marriage and the house in the burbs with the 2 car garage.
As far as someone planning a child with someone in an unstable relationship, yes that can be considered irresponsible, because you should not bring a child into a chaotic, unhealthy environment under any circumstances. Same thing with having a baby to "save" a troubled relationship. But bringing a baby into a relationship that is casual or nonexistant-while it might not be ideal, there are situations where it can work. As long as the mother, or the mother and her partner are completely 100% commited to the child, have a good head on their shoulders, and have the resources necessary to raise the child, who are we to say they are any less deserving? Not everyone subscribes to the idea of marriage, and with the divorce rate at 60%, who can blame them?
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  #13  
July 10th, 2006, 03:17 PM
mrobinson
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If it can work in the relationships are a causal, isn't that taking a big risk on the child's behalf?
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  #14  
July 10th, 2006, 03:38 PM
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Quote:
If it can work in the relationships are a causal, isn't that taking a big risk on the child's behalf?[/b]
How is it taking a risk? If the child is being raised in a loving envirmonent and is not exposed to any chaos b/w the mother and the father, it's better than having a child in a passionate, tumultous relationship at least
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  #15  
July 10th, 2006, 03:40 PM
mrobinson
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As long as the mother, or the mother and her partner are completely 100% commited to the child, have a good head on their shoulders, and have the resources necessary to raise the child,...[/b]
This just seems like a lot of variables to bringing a child into, KWIM? And if it's stable in the first place, then I don't think anyone would have a problem with it to begin with.
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  #16  
July 10th, 2006, 03:45 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
As long as the mother, or the mother and her partner are completely 100% commited to the child, have a good head on their shoulders, and have the resources necessary to raise the child,...[/b]
This just seems like a lot of variables to bringing a child into, KWIM? And if it's stable in the first place, then I don't think anyone would have a problem with it to begin with.
[/b]
I don't really understand the whole "variables" thing, but all I'm saying is alot of times a casual relationship or a friendship is a lot more stable than a relationship where 2 people are crazy in love with each other and have alot of passion (b/c passion can breed jealousy, contempt, instability), and a more approprate situation to bring a child into.
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  #17  
July 10th, 2006, 03:51 PM
Boxerlove1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think a lot of folks are under the assumption that in order to be in a committed relationship, 2 people must be married. I just don't think this has to be the case.
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  #18  
July 10th, 2006, 04:01 PM
mrobinson
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I think a lot of folks are under the assumption that in order to be in a committed relationship, 2 people must be married. I just don't think this has to be the case.[/b]
EXACTLY!!!
This debate has to competely different subjects going on. It's supposed to be about bringing a child into an unstable environment on purpose. It seems it's become, you can only have a baby if you're married..

Completely different subjects.

I don't think the marriage is a requirement to have a baby but a solid relationship should be, imho. (Like the OP said, aside from the oopies.)
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  #19  
July 10th, 2006, 04:10 PM
oicyur's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
I'm going to have to disagree. I think that it's unfair to say that only those with a commited relationship deserve to have a child. For some reason, a healthy loving relationship with another adult is just not in the cards. Many women have found that after years in the dating world, they cannot seem to find someone they are compatable with. Does that mean they should be denied a chance at having a child if it's something they have still always yearned for? Should they be forced to wait untill Mr. Right finally does come around, knowing that there is a good possibility that he never will? What if, by the time he shows up, she's too old to have children?[/b]
That sounds very selfish to me.
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  #20  
July 10th, 2006, 04:18 PM
Boxerlove1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I really don't think there's a completely self-LESS reasonto have children.
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