Log In Sign Up

What is "healthy" and "perfect" and "pure"?


Forum: Heated Debates

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to [email protected].

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Heated Debates LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
July 14th, 2006, 07:07 PM
MommieinNC's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,119
As an advocate for birthparents, and working with an adoption agency as a mentor... Quite often I see the following comments coming up... and I finally wrote this for the adoption agency... I wanted to know what other people thought of it, and exactly how far do you think rights and wishes should be allowed to go when adopting a child? I also don't agree with the way some things are said...

So with that in mind, I'd like to get your opinions on the following article before it's released with the agency handbook to new adopting couples along with the rest of the pamplets about "meeting" "talking" "getting to know" "open or closed" etc about adoptions and birthmoms...

To begin with, I am sorry this is long, but please take the time to read it. It may benefit you or someone you know...

While adoptive parents may often have a preference to a " pure white" baby, to keep throwing it out makes it offensive and almost racist. I wish sometimes people would understand that caucasian sounds so much more educated and respectable.

To be frankly honest, only (7) seven blood lines are determined and considered to be entirely "white". They are as follows: Anglo-Saxon, Germanic, Nordic, Basque, Lombard, Celtic and Slavic. So if a child does not come from only one of those or a mix of those blood lines alone, TECHNICALLY speaking, they are not considered to be white And if you are going to wait for a child to be guarenteed from one or a mix of those blood lines only... we'll you're going to be waiting an awfully long time!

As a friend of African-Americans, and adorably cute mixed children, I also take offense to anyone who stands firm only seeking a blonde haired, blue eyed child. Many agencies now will even charge 10's of
thousands of dollars more for a "pure white" child coming from a blonde/blue mother and father, and adoptive parents will fight for the right to pay those fees for that child. Henceforth, putting a price on the life of a child.

Personally... I feel nothing could ever amount to the true worth of a child. Whether they are caucasian, african american, biracial, asian, hispanic, or even *smiles* green skinned and purple eyed. All children are priceless... All children are put here for a reason. All children deserve loving homes where they are well provided for, loved, cared for, and most of all... wanted. No child should ever feel unwanted or unloved simply because they do not have a certain hair/eye color... or worse... simply because the color of their skin.

So please... I ask you anyone who is considering adopting to think before you speak on the race of the child you want... And even more so... when posting about it. Some birth mothers take offense... And I for one, do not blame them in the slightest. Like Linda said... I think it would be better to let the attorney (To do an adoption WITHOUT an agency, you MUST have an attorney, no questions asked) know what your preferences are, and when you are contacted, then say your desires once again up front.

Now while we are on the subject of preferences... Let's speak about those "healthy" babies... To begin with... It's 100% understandable that you are going to want a healthy baby... Heck, all moms worry about that and pray for that during their pregnancies... However... sometimes things happen. Sure, there are tests that can determine the chances of these things, but still... No test is 100% accurate, not even an amnio. What's even scarier is that more often than not, these tests give false positives.

To begin with, you have the AFP test... It's an alfa fetoprotien test. Usually it is done during weeks 16-18 of the pregnancy... In fact, doctors tell you the test being done any earlier or later can have a higher number of false positives, so you had better hope the doctor is pretty certain of your due date. Considering that most doctors don't due ultrasounds until weeks 18-22... Well... you're guessing on that due date up until then.

Th AFP test tests for Down syndrome and open neural tube defects which are things like spinda bifida, and Edwards Syndrome. However, these tests do NOT tell you for 100% sure, they only give a percentage
range of the chances... If you pry hard enough with the doctor, they will tell you there is a risk of false positive, and because of this, many ladies will refuse to have the test done. Will you turn down a birthmom because of this?

Coming from a website: If 1,000 pregnant women take this test, only about 25 of them will show an increased risk for a baby with neural tube defects, and of those, only one or two will actually have a baby with a defect. About 70 of the 1,000 will show an increased risk for a baby with Down syndrome, and of those, only one or two will actually have a baby with Down. On the other hand, some women whose test results are normal will turn out to have a baby with one of these problems. So you are looking at about 1 in 10 test results coming back positive... and out of those 70 "1 in 10's", only 1 or 2 will actually have something wrong.

Then you have an amnio... We all know what those are. They stick a long needle in through the belly watching via ultrasound to make sure they don't come in contact with the little one... However, the
miscarriage rate is between 1 in 200 and 1 in 400 after this is done... And depending on the age range of the mother and previous medical history, usually the chance of something being wrong with the baby is 1 in 1100... So would you rather double/triple the chances of a miscarriage just for a test that could STILL be wrong in the end?

And what about the things you can't test for? Cleft palet? Hair lip? Wandering eye? Mental retardation? Club foot? Smaller things, but things that are NOT considered to be perfectly healthy? I personally know a birthmom who was told by her adoptive couple that if the baby was born with a cleft palet that they would at that time reconsider and discuss whether or not they wanted to move forward with the adoption.... Soooo... you have a great relationship before birth (if the adoption is open), you are there for delivery and everything... and you may walk away simply because the little one has something so simply repaired as a cleft palet?

So when you say healthy... What exactly is healthy? No nothing wrong... Nothing... not even a cleft palet, hair lip, club foot, etc... Or do you actually mean the more serious problems that you personally feel you would be incapable of handling and feel that the child would better benefit with a family that was prepared for something like that?

*Sighes* I guess my point is to be careful what you say and how you say it... It can be taken in so many different ways... The main goal is to create a family, and be the completion of a child... And sometimes words can mess that up because while we may be one thing, it is interpreted as something entirely different.
__________________
<div align="center"></div>
<div align="center">Kit and Cari out to dinner (10/7/06)!
</div>
Reply With Quote
  #2  
July 14th, 2006, 07:28 PM
mrobinson
Guest
Posts: n/a
I wish I understood more about how adoption works and the method.. The fact you need to write out some of these thoughts.. well I completely agree it's necessary then.

I think you make some awesome points about acceptance... and true love.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
July 14th, 2006, 07:32 PM
greenjeans's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Galveston, TX
Posts: 1,731
Are you looking for feedback about it?
__________________



Reply With Quote
  #4  
July 14th, 2006, 07:36 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,496
I thought it was great! My only suggestion would be to omit the ellipsises in favor of other punctuation.

The phrase "pure white" almost makes me want to cry
__________________
taking jm breaks if you don't see me around much
Reply With Quote
  #5  
July 14th, 2006, 07:42 PM
MommieinNC's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,119
Yes I am looking for feedback...

And unfortunatley, some couples seeking to adopt will tell our agency "I only want a PURE WHITE child"...
__________________
<div align="center"></div>
<div align="center">Kit and Cari out to dinner (10/7/06)!
</div>
Reply With Quote
  #6  
July 14th, 2006, 07:43 PM
greenjeans's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Galveston, TX
Posts: 1,731
oy vey! People are kinda dense sometimes

I'll be back with more feed back I'm getting all typed out for you
__________________



Reply With Quote
  #7  
July 14th, 2006, 07:44 PM
~Jess~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Central California
Posts: 16,959
Wow, I'm "pure white." If I had known ahead of time that I could fetch such a great price for my offspring, I would have married another "pure white" instead of a mutt.
__________________






Reply With Quote
  #8  
July 14th, 2006, 07:47 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,496
Quote:
Yes I am looking for feedback...

And unfortunatley, some couples seeking to adopt will tell our agency "I only want a PURE WHITE child"...[/b]
That's so sad! ( i wasnt hinting that you should omit that phrase, just mentioning that it really struck me when I read it ...just in case it sounded that way)
__________________
taking jm breaks if you don't see me around much
Reply With Quote
  #9  
July 14th, 2006, 07:49 PM
mrobinson
Guest
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Yes I am looking for feedback...
And unfortunatley, some couples seeking to adopt will tell our agency "I only want a PURE WHITE child"...[/b]
I just read your other thread.. I'm speechless. I'll try to re read and make suggestions..
Reply With Quote
  #10  
July 14th, 2006, 08:50 PM
kadydid
Guest
Posts: n/a
I can not even believe that people say things like that. Just goes to show you, that no, not every baby is wanted.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
July 14th, 2006, 09:10 PM
greenjeans's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Galveston, TX
Posts: 1,731
I sent you a pm
__________________



Reply With Quote
  #12  
July 15th, 2006, 11:16 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: North Texas
Posts: 17,716
guys i've been trying to figure out all this time how to raise money so my hubby and I could by a house!! well dang it's right here! we are both 100% Celtic bloodline, we've got documentation for both our families. both Gparents came from ireland and scotland. holly heck ladies we'll have us a baby farm!! kinda like a puppy mill! and if you could know some of my thoughts that go on in my head, i assure you i am in no way pure! haha

ok seriously now, i had no idea on this earth that first people even asked for those kinds of things... hello you are adopting and asking for the right to be a parent. seems those "parents" are not in the right frame of mind to be a parent yet. a parent to me puts aside their own wants or needs and looks at what the child or children need. while those people may want a white child, what the children need is a loving and stable home, committed, mature adults that love the child and not the color. so fine request away, its a great way to me to easily drop them down the list, kinda like a screening process:

ready, able, mature, capable of being parents: check

one of those crazies asking for pure kids again and therefore not able to parent yet because they are morons and only care about themselves: check, end of the line please.

look i'm sure someone will get on here and post something along the lines of "but what if the parents are white and they have a chinese child, or black or polka dotted and people ask questions". oh holly heck i'd hate people to ask questions. the child might die if that happens.
almost sounds cultish, like i can imagine some crazy group of people saying "ok now if we can find the pure white child to carry on our work..." i mean the fact that my aunt is white and has adopted a chinese child and given him a great home away from tyranny, oppression, hunger and life of misery, i mean people just HATE it when you do that especially if the colors dont match up.
__________________
"I will make it through this because it is for her and for her, I will do anything. I am not brave, I am not strong, I am just Rhiannon’s mom". Our TTC/Adoption/Pregnancy Blog: Jump Over The Rainbow

Reply With Quote
  #13  
July 16th, 2006, 08:15 AM
MommieinNC's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,119
Well the thing is... the agencies get all that money... not the birthparents... If the birthparents got that money, it's considered "baby selling"... Yet for the agencies to get it for their pockets, it's "legitimate adoption expenses"...
__________________
<div align="center"></div>
<div align="center">Kit and Cari out to dinner (10/7/06)!
</div>
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:58 AM.