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In-Laws Respecting Your Wishes


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  #1  
July 17th, 2006, 09:58 PM
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What do you think about situations in which your in-laws know that you want your child raised a certain way, but they believe differently and go against your wishes? Hope that makes sense--here's and example from my experience:

I'm a vegetarian. I very strongly want my daughter to be one. My husband eats meat, but we have agreed that Elizabeth will be a vegetarian until she is old enough to decide otherwise. I know for a fact(and my husband agrees) that if we leave my daughter with my dh's parents, they will feed her meat---regardless of what I say. Because that is what *they* think to be healthy, or right. They irk me

So what do you guys think? I know there are tons of other situations, but do you think that family members should have a right to do something that they think is right with your children? I understand that my in-laws think that Elizabeth will not be healthy unless she eats meat, but she is still my child.


What if the parents told the family member watching the baby to give it beer in a bottle to fall asleep. Should the family member have to obey if they feel strongly against it?
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  #2  
July 17th, 2006, 10:50 PM
irishxrose
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I am currently having this problem with MY mother, and my MIL. Joshua co-sleeps with me, because it is comfortable to us, and I feel safer with him in my arms (and we both can't sleep if we aren't in the same bed at night ). My mother believes that we need to break him of that habit and that he needs to sleep in his crib. Joshua HATES his crib. He has never liked it. I want to wean him of co-sleeping when I feel it is right, but my mother is always nagging me about it. It really aggravates me! My MIL thinks that I shouldn't be co-sleeping either, and that I should give him Snapps when he is teething! I don't get it... Joshua has just started teething, and I'm worried that when I take him over to my MIL's that she'll give him Snapps!! Another problem I am having with both my mother and my MIL is CIO. I am not against CIO for other moms, I know it works for some children, but I don't want Joshua to CIO, and whenever I leave him with either of them, they let him cry. They don't seem to respect my wishes at all sometimes! My mother is getting better about the CIO thing (she's finally starting to realize that he won't stop crying if you just leave him there), but my MIL could care less.

I truly wish others could respect my wishes with my child...

But the other question... I have no idea how to respond to that one. Let me think it over.
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  #3  
July 17th, 2006, 11:39 PM
~Jess~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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It would be unfortunate, but I wouldn't allow my child to be alone with my family or in-laws if they didn't abide by my wishes while he was in their care.

I think them NOT doing something that I want them to do is much less upsetting than them doing something that I DON'T want them to do, kwim? For example, if I told them to let my baby CIO, but they didn't feel they could and they rocked him to sleep, I would be much less upset than if I asked them to rock him to sleep and they let him CIO.

If it was a case of them not doing something that I asked them to do (such as rocking to sleep) I would still allow them to take care of the baby, but I would know ahead of time that it might be a set back in the sleep-training (or whatever the issue is).
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  #4  
July 18th, 2006, 03:56 AM
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My MIL does a lot of stupid things with our DD. EVERYTHING against our wishes. She's not allowed alone with Raine.

MY Grandmother also tries to get me to feed Raine meat. If I ever found out she gave her meat, she'd never be allowed alone with her either.

I know that these people have been parents before, but why don't they let us have our turn now? They must have had in-laws and Mothers as well, no?
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  #5  
July 18th, 2006, 04:47 AM
::er!ca::'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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OH man, I have the same issues as you... except with cookies, chips, ice cream, cheesecake, soda and other "junk" foods.... not meat. DH and I have said from day 1 that Brinlee will not be eating those types of foods until she is older because we simply feel that they are not needed, empty calories and have no nutritional value. She is 14 months old, and besides on her birthday she has yet to have any of that stuff. She eats healthy and she eats VERY well, so we are happy with her menu right now! I know my family respects our decision (even if some might not agree) and they would NEVER go against our way of parenting.... but DH's family is another issue, well, not the whole family... just his parents! They are making comments all the time, trying to sneak food to her that they know we wouldn't allow her to have etc. This is the main reason why his parents have never been around her without DH or I being there! My parents babysit for her if we need someone (which is rarely since I'm a SAHM) but I would never in a million years consider letting his parents watch her because I know they will not follow and respect the parenting ways that we have decided. It bothers me to no end, but I've decided that if thats how they are going to be... its only going hurt them. They have the excuse that they are the grandparents and are allowed to spoil them and fill them up with junk food.... NOT my children! I'm the one that has to bring them home and deal with what is to come and their behavior, kwim? If they feel the need to "spoil" them because they are the grandkids... then they can buy Brinlee healthy snacks and drinks, educational toys, books, coloring books, or contribute to her savings account or purchase bonds for her to use when she begins college.... NOT un-necessary sugar and junk food! I wish they could just get that through their stinkin heads... LOL .... they don't have to agree with our ways, they just have to respect and follow our decisions. They had their time to raise their children, now its our time to raise ours!

The funny this is that my MIL will go on and on about how when her children were younger it drove her crazy when other people would give her children things that she didn't want them to give them.... but yet, here she is doing it herself! You think she would understand!

We've confronted my in-laws several times about this issue. Every time they try to give her something we don't agree with, we tell them NO. No ifs, ands or buts about it... NO. If they try giving us an excuse or telling us how they don't agree with our decisions, the answer is still no and we tell them that this is our child and she will be raised the way we want her to be, no exceptions!

As far as the question about beer, yeah thats a little ridiculous! If I was babysitting and the parent told me to put beer in the child's bottle to get them to sleep, there is no way I would do that.... because its VERY illegal and not worthing getting in trouble about!!!! If they said "put the baby to bed with a bottle of juice" that is something that I don't agree with and wouldn't do for my own children...... but I would respect that mother's wishes and give them a bottle of juice to bed.... Those were her wishes, and it might lead to baby bottle tooth decay down the road.... but its not beer! If I was watching a child and the mother said do not give them a bottle when they go to bed, then I wouldn't give them a bottle when they go to bed.... I would follow their wishes! I think as long as the decision is not illegal, nor harmful then you should follow a parents wishes no matter if you agree or not. If its something illegal or very harmful then something needs to be done about that situation.

I hope that all makes sense!!!
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  #6  
July 18th, 2006, 07:13 AM
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I would be very upset if my in-laws or my own family were doing something (or not doing something) concerning my child that I specifically asked them to do or not do. I know my MIL is very bad about this with my niece, and it makes my SIL very mad, but she tolerates it. After our daughter is born, if they do certain things that I have them to do or not do and do them anyways I will say something. I understand that our child is their granchild (or niece, etc) but she is OUR child and the way we want to raise her is the way she needs to be raised regardless of their opinions.
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  #7  
July 18th, 2006, 08:13 AM
kadydid
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I say if you canít play by my rules, you canít play with my baby.

FTR It is my own parents who go do what they please, my in-laws are great.
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  #8  
July 18th, 2006, 08:26 AM
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I think inlaws and parents need to obey your wishes when it comes to your child.


My dh's aunt annoys me to no end. I love her but she is always giving "advice" about things when it comes to Jay. She tried telling me I should give Jay 2% milk and not whole milk because he does not need the extra fat. I know she is full of it. When I am around her more then a day or so she makes me
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  #9  
July 18th, 2006, 10:18 AM
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I've already posted how I feel about the situation, but I wanted to add a story that happened with my niece. My fiance's grandma was watching my SIL's baby one day. Now my SIL is very uptight about the way her daughter's diaper is changed (in the sense of what products she uses and doesn't use). Well she told her grandma that she did not want her using baby powder on her daughter and to use the cream. Well we got back to the house and my SIL went to change her daughter and her grandma had first of all put the diaper on backwards and had caked baby powder all over my niece. Then when my SIL asked her if she knew the diaper was on backwards she said that she did but didn't have time to change it back to the right way. I was like "Hmm..she's not watching my child". Lol.
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  #10  
July 18th, 2006, 11:10 AM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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[quote]
I say if you canít play by my rules, you canít play with my baby.



ok nothing gets me going more than this! in defense of my in laws they have pretty much raised their first set of grandkids- dh's brother let them just stay there every night, and my in laws are not their parents and let them do what they want, eat what they want and so on. they are tired and have already raised their kids!

on the other hand i was so concerned about it that i sat my dh (then boyf) and my future in laws down for a big ole talk! i wanted it known right then and there that i did NOT want certain things happening and my kids would be different than the first set of grandkids. there were to go by our rules and by our ways. no other way around it. i mean i was worried that i couldn't marry my dh because i just wasnt fighting that for the rest of my life. but i'm pretty sure they agree and they already know when i say it i mean it.... so we'll see.
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  #11  
July 18th, 2006, 11:58 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 3,090
Quote:
What do you think about situations in which your in-laws know that you want your child raised a certain way, but they believe differently and go against your wishes? Hope that makes sense--here's and example from my experience:

I'm a vegetarian. I very strongly want my daughter to be one. My husband eats meat, but we have agreed that Elizabeth will be a vegetarian until she is old enough to decide otherwise. I know for a fact(and my husband agrees) that if we leave my daughter with my dh's parents, they will feed her meat---regardless of what I say. Because that is what *they* think to be healthy, or right. They irk me

So what do you guys think? I know there are tons of other situations, but do you think that family members should have a right to do something that they think is right with your children? I understand that my in-laws think that Elizabeth will not be healthy unless she eats meat, but she is still my child.


What if the parents told the family member watching the baby to give it beer in a bottle to fall asleep. Should the family member have to obey if they feel strongly against it?[/b]
I don't have children yet but if I am lucky enough to get pregnant soon and have a healthy pregnancy, I would be afraid to leave my children with some members of dh's family. I am Catholic and they are christian. I am going to have my children baptised at a catholic church and then leave everything alone till they are old enough to decide what religion they want to follow whether it be anything christian or be a complete athiest. If I were to leave my children with some members of dh's family, they would pressure them to join their church. So I agree with you. They are OUR children and we will raise them how WE see fit. In my opinion, they already had their chance to raise their children how they wanted, now it's our turn.
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  #12  
July 18th, 2006, 12:48 PM
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It is YOUR child. Other people (regardless of who they are) should respect your parental choices.

If something is a potential harm for your child (ie. beer in the bottle)...I would not do that. Even at parent's wishes. Just like I won't buy beer for an underage person...I wouldn't give it to a baby. MY RULE. If you don't like it...don't have me watch your baby.
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  #13  
July 18th, 2006, 01:31 PM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so glad my IL's respect my wishes. I had a long talk with them before CJ was born and told them he is mine & Scott's child and if they don't agree with our parenting styles, that is too bad. If they are not going to respect our wishes, then he is just not going to be around them. I know it is sort of harsh but I felt I needed to get the point across.
As far as I can think my IL's have never gone against my wishes, just on accident my FIL gave him juice with natural strawberry in it and CJ broke out in a mild case of hives. But my MIL caught it right away and so that is why his reaction wasn't worse. But it was an honest mistake and now my FIL is A LOT more careful of fruity stuff Cody eats & drinks.

My advice, talk to them. Let them know what your wishes are. If they don't abide by it, then you are not obligated to bring your DD around them. I know it is a hard thing to do but grandparents need to respect the parents wishes, no matter how much they disagree.

As for the vegetarian thing I am glad you and your DH has worked it out. My older DS's bio father is a vegetarian but we agreed JJ will eat meat in my house and eat the vegetarian stuff in his home. When he is older, since he has had both foods, he will make a decision on his own.
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  #14  
July 18th, 2006, 02:39 PM
Kierasmom's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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If our family doesn't do what we wish with our children then they don't get to be around them. I will raise them how I want, and don't care what they think.

My SIL is great. She always makes sure something is okay before she does it. She respects how I want to raise my kids.

My BIL, who has no kids, and still lives the party life, has a problem with discipline. We can't even do a time out around him without him getting in it, or having something to say. He went to far with me a few months ago and I let him know where he stands. He hasn't given me any trouble since.

My family doesn't dare cross the line with me because they know how strong willed I am, lol.

Quote:
As far as the question about beer, yeah thats a little ridiculous! If I was babysitting and the parent told me to put beer in the child's bottle to get them to sleep, there is no way I would do that.... because its VERY illegal and not worthing getting in trouble about!!!! If they said "put the baby to bed with a bottle of juice" that is something that I don't agree with and wouldn't do for my own children...... but I would respect that mother's wishes and give them a bottle of juice to bed.... Those were her wishes, and it might lead to baby bottle tooth decay down the road.... but its not beer! If I was watching a child and the mother said do not give them a bottle when they go to bed, then I wouldn't give them a bottle when they go to bed.... I would follow their wishes! I think as long as the decision is not illegal, nor harmful then you should follow a parents wishes no matter if you agree or not. If its something illegal or very harmful then something needs to be done about that situation.[/b]
I agree!
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  #15  
July 19th, 2006, 01:29 PM
** Mandy **
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I think others should respect the way you choose to raise your children. The only exceptions I can think of would be cases of abuse that are enough to be reported to social services. KWIM?
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  #16  
July 19th, 2006, 03:24 PM
greenjeans's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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We don't have kids but my MIL was sort of a concern until my SIL had a baby. She's been really great at respecting their wishes. We also ask before we do something. SIL is a vegetarian but her dh isn't so we asked the first time we fed him meat (he's a roaming eater) and whenever a holiday comes up we ask what he wants/needs and get him that or stick to books. Heck, we were given strick instructions, one shirt per family on our trip to Europe and that's what we did. Granny bought him one and we bought him one. I think it's just a matter of respect.
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