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Need help convincing BF not to get son circumsised


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  #1  
July 18th, 2006, 07:34 AM
CTK3989's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't want my son circumcised because there is no medical reason to do it, we are cutting off his erogenous zones, and there is no reason to put a baby through that pain. Also, we can teach our son to be clean and healthy. How can I elaborate on these things and make him see things my way? I really don't want to have my child circ'd. Everytime we have this discussion I end up getting very mad and today I just said, fine, I'll do it but I really don't want to. I'm tired of arguing but it makes me want to cry. I really don't want this. Please help me. Thanks.


Chelci
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  #2  
July 18th, 2006, 09:37 AM
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Quote:
I don't want my son circumcised because there is no medical reason to do it, we are cutting off his erogenous zones, and there is no reason to put a baby through that pain. Also, we can teach our son to be clean and healthy. How can I elaborate on these things and make him see things my way? I really don't want to have my child circ'd. Everytime we have this discussion I end up getting very mad and today I just said, fine, I'll do it but I really don't want to. I'm tired of arguing but it makes me want to cry. I really don't want this. Please help me. Thanks.


Chelci[/b]
What are his reasons for wanting to do it?
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  #3  
July 18th, 2006, 11:15 AM
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Does your boyfriend give any reason as to why he wants cosmetic surgery for your newborn?

Take a look at the surgery that is circumcision.

UpToDate topic on circumcision

UpToDate is a website that is widely used by American doctors, hospitals, and medical personel. It contains information on just about any medical topic you can think of. To view the document, click the check box and then click "I Agree." You'd have to pay to read the entire article, but the pictures are available for free.

Once you're into the website, scroll down to the bottom of the page. Click on the links under "Graphics."
Warning: (Graphic images) These are not pleasant images and turned my stomach the first time I saw them.

Examples: This is the circumstraint. The babies struggle enough that they need to be tied down.
Here, they are breaking the adhesions present on every baby boy's foreskin
Here, they are cutting the foreskin with what looks like scissors
Here, they are applying a safety pin to the penis

Familiarize yourself with the procedure. My wife and I really looked into it and were positively horrified. We could never let that happen to our son. Most of the men in the world are not circumcised and are just fine and happy.

Also, if he brings up the locker room, boys don't check out other boys in the locker room. Does your boyfriend even know or care if his peers were cut or not?

Stand up to your boyfriend and the doctor. You have to sign the consent for YOUR baby to be circumcised. Say no, tear up the form, and there's usually nothing he can do about it. However, don't expect any help from your doctor or the hospital. Hospitals and doctors are in business to make money. Circumcisions make them a lot of money. Protect your child.

Is there another baby topic you and your boyfriend disagree on? A name, perhaps? Let your boyfriend win that battle in exchange for dropping the circumcision demand. Be creative. You know your boyfriend well, but be firm on the circumcision issue.

Besides, if your son eventually wants to choose circumcision for himself, there's an army of doctors that will be more than happy to take his money! Don't take that choice from him.

After your son is home, healthy and whole, please check out the Intact Care forum or the Mothering.com forums for any questions. Whatever you do, never let anyone, except your son, retract his foreskin. Most foreskin problems are caused by retraction and many American doctors still don't know not to do it.

Oh, and I'm sure there will be an army of pro-circ types in here momentarily to spread myths, rumors, and legends. Some might even quote carefully selected studies. But just ask any of the posters who actually have intact boys and you'll find that they generally have no problems at all.
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  #4  
July 18th, 2006, 11:40 AM
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Perhaps you could ephasize that leaving your son intact at birth is the "compromise" route. Circumcision can't be changed once it is done (unless you think restoration...but you can easily see why that isn't the same). Leaving him intact leaves the option open to be circumcised later.

If your husband is worried about hygiene, I would show him the AAP policy on intact care. I would look at some of the links on the intact care page as well.

If your husband is worried about "looking like his son" show him the numbers on circumcision and how they have fallen (60% now). Point out to him that by the time your son is having kids, the numbers will probbaly be even lower. Leaving him intact will allow your son to have the knowledge and experience to care for his own intact child (plus..hey..they will look the same! ). Point out that "looking the same" isn't very logical...his penis is bigger, has hair, is probably even a different shade of color...and so on.

Remember, your son can choose to be circumcised later is he wants. His penis, his choice!
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  #5  
July 18th, 2006, 01:03 PM
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Quote:
I really don't want to have my child circ'd. Everytime we have this discussion I end up getting very mad and today I just said, fine, I'll do it but I really don't want to. I'm tired of arguing but it makes me want to cry. I really don't want this. Please help me. Thanks.[/b]
Two things, here is what you are up against--cut men MUST circumcise their sons or admit that they are sexually damaged for no logical reason--and this means treading lightly..this m ight help:

http://www.stopcirc.com/vincent/vuln...ty_of_men.html

Secondly, it is ultimately you it falls upon to protect your son against this barbaric practice--it is you who must sign the papers, so DEMAND he do the research and logically and rationally PROVE that circumcision is in the best interests of the CHILD!

He is secondary--HE must learn to face reality.. his inability to do so is no reason to harm your son!
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  #6  
July 18th, 2006, 02:49 PM
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I honestly don't know. Everytime I tell him a reason on my side he he says and that's the only reason why you want to do it? I haven't bought up the fact that you are cutting erogenous tissue yet.


Chelci
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  #7  
July 18th, 2006, 04:34 PM
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Ladies, thank you so much. I will be reading through all of this material and seriously educate myself before I present this topic to him again. Then I will get him to sit down with me and research circumcision and look at pictures. Please keep the advice and articles coming. Thanks so much.

Chelci
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  #8  
July 18th, 2006, 07:19 PM
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Hi Chelci,

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a bind. I know how annoyed I feel when people are gung-ho about circumcising. Depending on how well I know the person, I might try, "Okay, where's your common sense? This is a surgery on a newborn baby to remove part of his penis! " Have you put it to your boyfriend in those terms? "Gee, honey, you really want our son to grow up and know we had part of his penis removed at birth?" He needs to know that the days of the ignorant man who has no clue healthy tissue was taken from his body is long gone. Fortunately for me, my husband and I are in complete agreement regarding infant circumcision so we never had to discuss it.

Maybe you could get him to take the 6 month challenge. You see, when the baby is a newborn, he's basically just a little stranger. Not so much to the mom, of course , but to everyone else. And who really cares what you do to a stranger? But give your bf (and anyone else who is pressuring you into this) time to bond with your son and find that he is a 100% true person with his own personality and thoughts and expressions. After 6 months of diaper changes and seeing that there is nothing scary about the normal penis, ask him again--"hey, still feel it's so important to cut off part of his penis?" I would hope he'd say no.

Does he know how easy it is to care for the intact penis? It's almost too easy. Parents do nothing more than just wipe the outside like a finger. Never, ever retract. Simple!

Does he know how uncommon circumcision is becoming? Frankly, I hate the "my boy just has to fit in" argument, but some people use it. By your ages, I would guess you're both still in HS. If he tries that argument on you, just ask him to describe what every guys penis looks like in gym class. I bet he couldn't if he tried.

Well, I hope some of this helps. Please don't give in--this is about your son's right to his healthy, normal body. It really doesn't affect any one else in any way.

~Nay
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  #9  
July 18th, 2006, 08:49 PM
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I honestly don't know. Everytime I tell him a reason on my side he he says and that's the only reason why you want to do it? I haven't bought up the fact that you are cutting erogenous tissue yet.[/b]
From what I have read, you really don't want to have your son circumcised. You have a long way to go in your pregnancy and during that time period you will learn even more about circumcision and become even more opposed to it.

Think about what will happen to your relationship with your boyfriend if you give in to his demands. Every time you change your son's diaper or give him a bath, you'll be reminded of what your boyfriend insisted on doing to him. There's a fair chance that you'll grow to resent him for it and be angry with yourself for letting him force you on this issue.

If you leave your son intact, your boyfriend will have to get over it, but I doubt you'll ever get over it if he convinces you to do what you know is wrong.

And like everyone else is saying, make him tell you why he thinks it needs to be done. He might even discover that his own reasoning is shaky at best.
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  #10  
July 19th, 2006, 08:27 AM
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Thank you so much ladies. I will keep educating myself and I will definitely be trying to convince him to try the 6th month challenge. Plus doesn't it cost extra to have your child circumsised? Thank you so much for your help ladies. Please keep it coming.

Chelci
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  #11  
July 19th, 2006, 09:28 PM
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Thank you so much ladies. I will keep educating myself and I will definitely be trying to convince him to try the 6th month challenge. Plus doesn't it cost extra to have your child circumsised? Thank you so much for your help ladies. Please keep it coming.

Chelci[/b]
The costs can vary depending on your situation. Our insurance, which is blue cross blue shield, no longer covers it. Many other insurances have also stopped paying for it. If you have insurance, it might be helpful to look into that, and if they don't cover it, tell your boyfriend that circumcision is going to cost a few hundred dollars out of pocket. (If your insurance does cover it, however, I would just not mention insurance to him at all).

Do you have medicaid? http://www.icgi.org/ If you look at this map, you'll see that GA is discussing ending medicaid funding for circumcision.

Would it help if you showed your bf some photos of botched circumcisions? *WARNING: the following links may contain nudity and/or be unpleasant *

Here is a link to skin bridges. This is a common complication of circumcision. Most men seem to think the bridges are normal. http://www.circumstitions.com/Restri...d1sb.html#jack

Here it shows scarring on the shaft and how the glans is dried out. If you want more information about the disadvantages of an exposed glans penis just ask. http://www.circumstitions.com/Restric/Botched3sc.html

This link here is the "big gun". I would advise using it once he's starting to see things from your perspective. It's a photo series of an infant who developed gangrene from his typical, all-American hospital circumcision. http://www.circumstitions.com/Restric/Botched4ga.html **GRAPHIC** (and gross).

HTH

~Nay
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  #12  
July 20th, 2006, 01:45 AM
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Emphasise the fact that a circumcision is irreversable and that if your son is unhappy with the results then there is nothing that he can do.

Pin him down over what his reasons are for doing it, they are generally pretty poor and in this case I suspect it might be that he fears being found inferior. If that is the case then avoid wording that will make him feel more insecure about himself since that would be counter-productive.
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  #13  
July 20th, 2006, 10:21 PM
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Emphasise the fact that a circumcision is irreversable and that if your son is unhappy with the results then there is nothing that he can do.

Pin him down over what his reasons are for doing it, they are generally pretty poor and in this case I suspect it might be that he fears being found inferior. If that is the case then avoid wording that will make him feel more insecure about himself since that would be counter-productive.[/b]
You know, in the US circumcision used to have the reputation of being something to be proud of because only rich people could afford it. I wonder if some populations in the US still hold to this outdated reasoning. "We have to circumcise so we don't look poor." I bet many people who think like that would be amazed by the number of middle class, upper middle class, and upper class families who no longer circumcise.

~Nay
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  #14  
July 21st, 2006, 09:38 AM
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You know, in the US circumcision used to have the reputation of being something to be proud of because only rich people could afford it. I wonder if some populations in the US still hold to this outdated reasoning. "We have to circumcise so we don't look poor." I bet many people who think like that would be amazed by the number of middle class, upper middle class, and upper class families who no longer circumcise.[/b]
This could well be true.

Especially considering it is frequently covered by medicare it would, of course, be simply another absurd and insuffecient argument for the amputation of erogenous tissue from an unconsenting party.

I suppose that is might be education which is to blame, or perhaps even less access to the internet?
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  #15  
July 21st, 2006, 01:47 PM
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Thanks everyone, please keep the information coming. I haven't talked to my BF about it yet but I will soon. We still have a while before our child will be born. At the moment he thinks that we will be having our son circumsised. Thank you all for your help.

Chelci
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  #16  
July 24th, 2006, 07:38 AM
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I just wanted to let everyone know that I have failed. I talked to my BF today and we just couldn't agree. He fought everything that I said and I got tired of us not agreeing so I gave in. I said we could circumcise our son. I was so upset and still am upset that I gave in and I am doing something I don't want to do. I told him that we could do it and never speak of it again. I don't know what to do. ::

Chelci
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  #17  
July 24th, 2006, 12:01 PM
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I just wanted to let everyone know that I have failed. I talked to my BF today and we just couldn't agree. He fought everything that I said and I got tired of us not agreeing so I gave in. I said we could circumcise our son. I was so upset and still am upset that I gave in and I am doing something I don't want to do. I told him that we could do it and never speak of it again. I don't know what to do. ::

Chelci[/b]
You haven't failed. You have many months to keep trying. Print out webpages of information and leave them around. Print out photos of circumcisions in progress and make sure your BF sees them. And above all, don't sign any circumcision consent forms! You can protect your son.
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  #18  
July 24th, 2006, 02:54 PM
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Thank you. I will try doing that. I have thought about just not signing the forms. He can't be mad at me forever.
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  #19  
July 25th, 2006, 05:29 AM
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Talk to your doctor and maybe he/she can endorse your opinion to your BF and talk to him about it. And, of course, YOU are the one who ultimately says "yes/no" to the question. But before you have to resort to that, I would definitely try to get other people involved and backing you up...maybe if he heard it from a "professional" that might help sway him or at least make him see the validity of your argument!
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  #20  
July 25th, 2006, 06:31 AM
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Thank you. I will try doing that. I have thought about just not signing the forms. He can't be mad at me forever.[/b]
That is true, and here is something to consider, if he is angry and stays angry, tell him to grow up!
Would you want to have a child for the father of your child? There sure is no maturity in the way he is acting so far.
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