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Telling kids "because I said so"


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  #1  
June 1st, 2007, 09:36 AM
*Aspen*
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I fell in love with my 5th grade teacher because she was awesome! I hated History until I had her...she would run around the room making noises like an Indian and was just a very involved teacher. I remember having her tell us that she will never tell any of us no without a reason of why. My mom used to say "No, because I said so."...without giving an explanation. I hated this and I will not do it to my kids.

I think children deserve to know WHY they are being told no even if they don't agree or understand/at least they have what their parents said in the back of their mind to always think about until the lightbulb goes off and they understand one day.

Wow, talk about a run-on sentence! LOL!!

How are children supposed to learn unless given reasons?
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  #2  
June 1st, 2007, 09:39 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 39,051
I always hated when my parents said that! I swore up and down that I would never say that. I have had a stepdaughter for almost 7 years. One day she was bombarding me with questions (she was going through that "why" stage). After about the millionth question of "but why" I finally lost it and said "because I said so." Ugh I wanted to send myself to my room for saying that.

I do think it's important to give kids a real explanation but realistically it doesn't always happen.
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  #3  
June 1st, 2007, 09:46 AM
jhmomofmany's Avatar Look! A Dancing Banana!
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Location: Upper Michigan
Posts: 14,599
Most of the time when a child asks "why" they almost always want one of two things. Either they want to find a way to argue with you this time, or they want to find a way to get around your reasons so they get what they want next time.

Think about it... did you ever get permission to do something and then ask your mom why she was allowing it? I'm guessing not. Kids usually only ask why when they want to quibble.

I have learned to tell the difference between the "why" that means they want to argue and the "why" that means they are genuinely curious. If I get the feeling they really want to understand, then I will explain my reasons, once. If they are asking for a repeat explanation or if I get the sense they just want to argue, then I tell them "I do not have to tell you why".
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  #4  
June 1st, 2007, 09:49 AM
ahixon
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Okay, that sounds great in a world where kids listen to you but here is how it goes at my house.
Walker comes in and say's can I go to Grandma's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say supper is almost done and he needs to eat with the rest of the family.
He say's he's not hungry.
I say oh well you have to eat something.
He say's why?
I say because you wouldn't eat lunch, and you are not going to miss supper to.
He say's please!
I say no.
He say's pretty please!!!!
I say no.
He falls in the floor crying.
I say no, and go to your room until you quit throwing the fit.
He goes to his room, stay's for five minutes, comes back to the kitchen where you can't even tell he was ever crying and say's can I go to Uncle Jason's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!!!
So, that is the way it goes at my house, and if I spend all day trying to explain why I said so, I would never get anything else done, and he would still be asking over and over again. Now, maybe when he get's older it will be different, but as for now I will explain thing's one time only.
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  #6  
June 1st, 2007, 09:56 AM
*Aspen*
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LOL, that is funny!!! I'm not talking about that really.... I'm talking about you ask mom or dad a question and their one and only answer is "no because I said so" end of story no explanation whatsoever.... kwim?

When I was given a reason, I may not have agreed with it....but that reason has always stayed with me to where now, as an adult, I understand that reason. It's helped patched some things up between my mom and I because I know and understand why she did the things she did when I was younger.
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  #7  
June 1st, 2007, 09:56 AM
jhmomofmany's Avatar Look! A Dancing Banana!
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Upper Michigan
Posts: 14,599
Quote:
Okay, that sounds great in a world where kids listen to you but here is how it goes at my house.
Walker comes in and say's can I go to Grandma's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say supper is almost done and he needs to eat with the rest of the family.
He say's he's not hungry.
I say oh well you have to eat something.
He say's why?
I say because you wouldn't eat lunch, and you are not going to miss supper to.
He say's please!
I say no.
He say's pretty please!!!!
I say no.
He falls in the floor crying.
I say no, and go to your room until you quit throwing the fit.
He goes to his room, stay's for five minutes, comes back to the kitchen where you can't even tell he was ever crying and say's can I go to Uncle Jason's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!!!
So, that is the way it goes at my house, and if I spend all day trying to explain why I said so, I would never get anything else done, and he would still be asking over and over again. Now, maybe when he get's older it will be different, but as for now I will explain thing's one time only.[/b]
That is a perfect example of what I am talking about. He doesn't care why you said no. He just wants to wear you down.
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~Jennifer, wife of one, mother of many

Robert: 20 Raechel: 18 Daniel: 15 Joseph: 13 Thomas: 10 Mary Mae: 7 Lucy Marie: 5 John Anthony: 2 AND Baby due Dec. 2015

Always Missing our Angels: Hope (7-8-06 @36w); Francis (7-4-12 @12w); Charlie (1-19-15 @ 6w)


Congratulations Raechel and Kaleb, married May, 2015

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  #8  
June 1st, 2007, 10:01 AM
frgsonmysox's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Offutt AFB, NE
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Both Chris and I vowed to try to give a valid reason for us saying no. But we will say our reason only once, not to start an arguement.
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  #9  
June 1st, 2007, 10:06 AM
*Aspen*
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Quote:
Both Chris and I vowed to try to give a valid reason for us saying no. But we will say our reason only once, not to start an arguement.[/b]
Ditto. If they keep pestering then I'll use it, but I will never just tell them no without a reason first.
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  #10  
June 1st, 2007, 10:08 AM
EmilysMommy04's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Horseheads NY
Posts: 1,997
I am guilty of saying because i said so. But only after the same question is asked over and over again. I explain it then my oldest Sierra wont drop the subject. She is a pusher and it comes down to because i said so wait wait here is the best once after i said that she said why. grrrrrr sometimes it gets to be to much lol
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  #11  
June 1st, 2007, 10:10 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
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Quote:
Quote:
Okay, that sounds great in a world where kids listen to you but here is how it goes at my house.
Walker comes in and say's can I go to Grandma's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say supper is almost done and he needs to eat with the rest of the family.
He say's he's not hungry.
I say oh well you have to eat something.
He say's why?
I say because you wouldn't eat lunch, and you are not going to miss supper to.
He say's please!
I say no.
He say's pretty please!!!!
I say no.
He falls in the floor crying.
I say no, and go to your room until you quit throwing the fit.
He goes to his room, stay's for five minutes, comes back to the kitchen where you can't even tell he was ever crying and say's can I go to Uncle Jason's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!!!
So, that is the way it goes at my house, and if I spend all day trying to explain why I said so, I would never get anything else done, and he would still be asking over and over again. Now, maybe when he get's older it will be different, but as for now I will explain thing's one time only.[/b]
That is a perfect example of what I am talking about. He doesn't care why you said no. He just wants to wear you down.
[/b]
I can see your point, but you did give a reason instead of just "because I said so". It was a final resort, not the 1st response so I think you did explain why. (KWIM???)

I think an age appropriate response should always be the 1st response and go from there. Only you know your child, but they deserve to know why for future reference. My dad was notorious for saying no without a reason. All I ever wanted to know was why. Not to ague with him, but so I could learn where my parent's stood on issues, etc. If I wasn't told why, then how was I to follow the "rules" of the house (spoken vs unspoken rules) if I didn't know what they were (let's face it...parent's like to sneak in rules at a given time depending on their emotions/mood or how their day is going). Giving an explanation also sets the ground work for consistency. Some parent's say yes sometimes, and no other times for the exact same thing. To a child that makes no sense (given that they think in black and white terms and don't see the grey areas) unless they know the circumstances as to why the rules can change.
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  #12  
June 1st, 2007, 10:12 AM
ahixon
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Well, I think most people do try to explain something the first two hundered times, but after you get blue in the face it, it begins to seem pointless to try to explain something to a child who could care less why you are saying no anyway. Walker doesn't care why I am saying no, he just wants to drive me crazy until I say yes.
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  #13  
June 1st, 2007, 10:16 AM
EmilysMommy04's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Horseheads NY
Posts: 1,997
Quote:
Well, I think most people do try to explain something the first two hundered times, but after you get blue in the face it, it begins to seem pointless to try to explain something to a child who could care less why you are saying no anyway. Walker doesn't care why I am saying no, he just wants to drive me crazy until I say yes.[/b]

Exactly kids are kids . They are going to do that. Not that its on purpose but I think its just part of being a child ...And they do want that answer YES. So they will try to push and push till they get it. But here in our home I stick to my guns. When a tantrum approaches even after I have explained it .. The girls get a time out on there beds . It gives them time to think about what they are doing.
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  #14  
June 1st, 2007, 10:19 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Peterborough, Ontario
Posts: 2,646
Quote:
Well, I think most people do try to explain something the first two hundered times, but after you get blue in the face it, it begins to seem pointless to try to explain something to a child who could care less why you are saying no anyway. Walker doesn't care why I am saying no, he just wants to drive me crazy until I say yes.[/b]

DITTO!! MY SON, AYDEN, IS THE SAME WAY! DRIVES ME BONKERS...LOL.
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  #15  
June 1st, 2007, 11:03 AM
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"Because I said so" is a copout that my mom always used and I hated it. As great a mom as she was/is, that's one phrase I refuse to use because it doesn't tell my child anything. She laughs at me about this, but I've been successful at avoiding it so far. If I think about every time I say "no" to my child, I'm more likely to make this decision wisely rather than off the cuff.

Quote:
Okay, that sounds great in a world where kids listen to you but here is how it goes at my house.
Walker comes in and say's can I go to Grandma's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say supper is almost done and he needs to eat with the rest of the family.
He say's he's not hungry.
I say oh well you have to eat something.
He say's why?
I say because you wouldn't eat lunch, and you are not going to miss supper to.
He say's please!
I say no.
He say's pretty please!!!!
I say no.
He falls in the floor crying.
I say no, and go to your room until you quit throwing the fit.
He goes to his room, stay's for five minutes, comes back to the kitchen where you can't even tell he was ever crying and say's can I go to Uncle Jason's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!!!
So, that is the way it goes at my house, and if I spend all day trying to explain why I said so, I would never get anything else done, and he would still be asking over and over again. Now, maybe when he get's older it will be different, but as for now I will explain thing's one time only.[/b]
About halfway through that exchange is when I would have said, "I've given you my reasons, so we're not discussing it anymore. Thank you." If they carry on beyond that, I ignore them.
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  #16  
June 1st, 2007, 11:31 AM
EmilysMommy04's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Horseheads NY
Posts: 1,997
Quote:
"Because I said so" is a copout that my mom always used and I hated it. As great a mom as she was/is, that's one phrase I refuse to use because it doesn't tell my child anything. She laughs at me about this, but I've been successful at avoiding it so far. If I think about every time I say "no" to my child, I'm more likely to make this decision wisely rather than off the cuff.

Quote:
Okay, that sounds great in a world where kids listen to you but here is how it goes at my house.
Walker comes in and say's can I go to Grandma's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say supper is almost done and he needs to eat with the rest of the family.
He say's he's not hungry.
I say oh well you have to eat something.
He say's why?
I say because you wouldn't eat lunch, and you are not going to miss supper to.
He say's please!
I say no.
He say's pretty please!!!!
I say no.
He falls in the floor crying.
I say no, and go to your room until you quit throwing the fit.
He goes to his room, stay's for five minutes, comes back to the kitchen where you can't even tell he was ever crying and say's can I go to Uncle Jason's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!!!
So, that is the way it goes at my house, and if I spend all day trying to explain why I said so, I would never get anything else done, and he would still be asking over and over again. Now, maybe when he get's older it will be different, but as for now I will explain thing's one time only.[/b]
About halfway through that exchange is when I would have said, "I've given you my reasons, so we're not discussing it anymore. Thank you." If they carry on beyond that, I ignore them.
[/b]

Easier said then done. Some kids carry on and on and on. My girls are hard driven like me. I ignore them for a bit but after 30 mins to an hour yeah it doesnt last maybe i need some nice ear plugs lol.
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  #17  
June 1st, 2007, 11:32 AM
ahixon
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Not to be rude, but what is the difference in what you said, and saying because I said so? I doubt my five year old cares if I say I have given you my reasons and we are not talking about it anymore, or if I say because I said so.
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  #18  
June 1st, 2007, 11:43 AM
lotus86's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Annapolis, MD
Posts: 3,759
I will try to give a reason, but if she (in the future) continues to pester me about it and push the situation, then I'll say because I said so. I do feel that giving a reason first is an important part of the child's learning. But, IMO, "because I said so" can be overused, or used in place of taking the time to tell the child a reason, and I disagree with that. Consistency is key.
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  #19  
June 1st, 2007, 11:45 AM
*Aspen*
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Quote:
I will try to give a reason, but if she (in the future) continues to pester me about it and push the situation, then I'll say because I said so. I do feel that giving a reason first is an important part of the child's learning. But, IMO, "because I said so" can be overused, or used in place of taking the time to tell the child a reason, and I disagree with that. Consistency is key.[/b]
ditto

Give reasons first, and if it keeps going on, end the conversation. But don't end it before it even begins.
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  #20  
June 1st, 2007, 12:02 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2,667
Quote:
Okay, that sounds great in a world where kids listen to you but here is how it goes at my house.
Walker comes in and say's can I go to Grandma's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say supper is almost done and he needs to eat with the rest of the family.
He say's he's not hungry.
I say oh well you have to eat something.
He say's why?
I say because you wouldn't eat lunch, and you are not going to miss supper to.
He say's please!
I say no.
He say's pretty please!!!!
I say no.
He falls in the floor crying.
I say no, and go to your room until you quit throwing the fit.
He goes to his room, stay's for five minutes, comes back to the kitchen where you can't even tell he was ever crying and say's can I go to Uncle Jason's?
I say no.
He say's why?
I say BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!!!
So, that is the way it goes at my house, and if I spend all day trying to explain why I said so, I would never get anything else done, and he would still be asking over and over again. Now, maybe when he get's older it will be different, but as for now I will explain thing's one time only.[/b]
This seems so familiar to me! It only happens 10,000 times a day at my house (only the names and specific questions/issues are different). Most of the time I try to give reasons, but sometimes the answer is just plain NO.
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