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Wrong to live together Before Marriage?


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  #1  
June 2nd, 2007, 03:06 PM
mom_knows_best's Avatar Super Mommy
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What do you guys think about it?

My cousin is having some money issues, she got a place but cant move in for 20 days. So she calls my parents to see if she could move in with them, my mother kept saying no.. And when my cousin mentioned her boyfriend lives with her it was a VERY LOUD NO! So then my mother called me, ranting on how wrong it is to live together before marriage. How it will destroy the world or something, I dont know..

I ignored half of the conversation, because I do respect my mothers opinions. However I think it's perfectly fine to live with someone before your married. I dont think it's going to destroy the world. Whatever that means. As long as their a adult, they should be able to make their own decisions and not be worried what other people think of it. Now if it was a 15 yr old kid, I'd think different
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  #2  
June 2nd, 2007, 03:22 PM
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I think it's a great idea when both partners feel the same way about it. I lived with my DH before we were married, though, so I would say that.

I think that the benefits of living together before marriage far outweigh the negative aspects. For many people, of course, the question is related to the sex-before-marriage issue. To me, that is no one's business but the couple's. There is nothing improper about a sexual relationship between two consenting adults, IMO.
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  #4  
June 2nd, 2007, 03:31 PM
Gina1978's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think that everyone should live with their partner before marriage..I know to many couples that didnt and didnt last a year.Their reasons..well,they didnt realise how hard it was going to be and they discovered lots of things about their SO that they didnt like causing them to be incompatible in the end.
Seeing your partner every day,spending the ocasional weekend together or going on vacation is NOTHING like living together 24/7,so I think people should try it before they decide to take the plunge.
I honestly think it would be benificial and stop so many divorces.
There is a down side though..I also know LOTS of couples who got engaged and moved in together,and then they just didnt get married because they say they dont need it because a peice of paper wont change anything kwim?
Id rather my kids moved in with thier SO and see how it goes before they spend a fortune on a wedding and then discover that they arent compatible with their new spouce and have to go through the heart ache of divorce.
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  #5  
June 2nd, 2007, 03:36 PM
EmilysMommy04's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I think it depends on the people in the relationship and there beliefs. As for it being wrong no its not wrong. Who is to say its wrong or right. Its a decision made by 2 adults. I live with my bf and if someone told me it was wrong. I would be like and who are you. I would ignore it.
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  #6  
June 2nd, 2007, 03:54 PM
frgsonmysox's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think saying that living with a partner before marriage is wrong is very old fashioned. Know a days we don't have "courting" like we used to. Women aren't receiving a Scarlett letter for their own personal decisions (although reading the **** thread I may take that back), and men don't "buy" their wives either. This topic has been brought up before and I think someone posted statistics that said that more couples divorce if they live together before marriage (?) but I think that has more to do with the fact that most people who don't agree with living together before marriage also don't agree with divorce (as in certain religions ban it).

I see no issue with it. I think it's a great first step to see if the two parties are even compatible for marriage. Chris and I lived together for a few months before we got married.
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  #7  
June 2nd, 2007, 03:59 PM
thepinkleprechaun's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't think it's really the living together part that is the issue. It's more the having sex while living together that is the problem. This is another one of those things that I think it's wrong because of my religion, and yet I've done it so I can't really say anything.

I moved out of my parents house when I was 17 because of a huge fight with my dad and a lot of other reasons, and I lived with DH and his mom until I went to boot camp.

I also think it's a good idea for couples to live together before marriage. Living together is nothing like dating and I think a lot less people would get married lol!
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  #8  
June 2nd, 2007, 03:59 PM
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I think this debate goes hand-in-hand with the topic of sex before marriage. If you believe it's okay to have premarital sex than you'll say yes, but if you're against premarital sex than most likely your answer will be no. I personally wouldn't do it, but that's my choice. However, if somebody else decided to live with their BF/GF that's their choice. It's just not for me.

I see living together as lacking the committment of a marriage, because each individual is just that, a seperate individual in the relationship. Marriage brings a sense of "for the good of the relationship" into the equation, as well as other financial (sharing, tax breaks, insurance, etc), emotional, and other well-being benefits (companionship). That's not to say that all marriages have these qualities and in fact many marriages lack these qualities and are the exact reason why people divorce. I'm talking in an ideal environment. For me personally, if I'm going to invest in sharing my life with somebody I want the committment that they are in it for the long hule, and desire the committment that it will take.

I can see where the theory of "test driving" a marriage might come into play, but the truth is many couples who live together don't end up married ("its just a piece of paper"), or have less satisfying marriages and have a higher chance of breakup once married (according to a Rutgers study ). I'm not saying that all couples are destined to break up, but it could be an agruement for those who believe it's essential to live together before.

Then again, it's just my 2 cents and my personal choice. I have many friends who have lived with BF's and I always accepted that as their personal choice. I never said anything because it was never my place.
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  #9  
June 2nd, 2007, 04:03 PM
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Quote:
This topic has been brought up before and I think someone posted statistics that said that more couples divorce if they live together before marriage (?) but I think that has more to do with the fact that most people who don't agree with living together before marriage also don't agree with divorce (as in certain religions ban it).[/b]
I agree with this. Even for those who aren't religious, co-habitation and divorce have similar stigmas attached to them and the stigmas can be a deterrant against both for some people. The flip-side of that could be that people who are willing to risk being stigmatized for one will feel the same way about the other.
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  #10  
June 2nd, 2007, 04:05 PM
Gina1978's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
I think this debate goes hand-in-hand with the topic of sex before marriage. If you believe it's okay to have premarital sex than you'll say yes, but if you're against premarital sex than most likely your answer will be no. I personally wouldn't do it, but that's my choice. However, if somebody else decided to live with their BF/GF that's their choice. It's just not for me.

I see living together as lacking the committment of a marriage, because each individual is just that, a seperate individual in the relationship. Marriage brings a sense of "for the good of the relationship" into the equation, as well as other financial (sharing, tax breaks, insurance, etc), emotional, and other well-being benefits (companionship). That's not to say that all marriages have these qualities and in fact many marriages lack these qualities and are the exact reason why people divorce. I'm talking in an ideal environment. For me personally, if I'm going to invest in sharing my life with somebody I want the committment that they are in it for the long hule, and desire the committment that it will take.

I can see where the theory of "test driving" a marriage might come into play, but the truth is many couples who live together don't end up married ("its just a piece of paper"), or have less satisfying marriages and have a higher chance of breakup once married (according to a Rutgers study ). I'm not saying that all couples are destined to break up, but it could be an agruement for those who believe it's essential to live together before.

Then again, it's just my 2 cents and my personal choice. I have many friends who have lived with BF's and I always accepted that as their personal choice. I never said anything because it was never my place.[/b]

Living together and getting married is the exact same thing.People who live together (at least the ones I know) have a mortgage in common,they share a bank acount,they have kids,they share payments etc etc...what is the difference? They are just as commited.
They have all the rights DH and I have and by law,if they spilt up,they would get the same treatment as if they were married (exept it would be cheaper! lol).
There really is no difference and in the eyes of a couple who have been living together for years,marriage would not change anything in their relationship and it would infact be "just a peice of paper" kwim?
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  #11  
June 2nd, 2007, 04:16 PM
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Quote:
Quote:
I think this debate goes hand-in-hand with the topic of sex before marriage. If you believe it's okay to have premarital sex than you'll say yes, but if you're against premarital sex than most likely your answer will be no. I personally wouldn't do it, but that's my choice. However, if somebody else decided to live with their BF/GF that's their choice. It's just not for me.

I see living together as lacking the committment of a marriage, because each individual is just that, a seperate individual in the relationship. Marriage brings a sense of "for the good of the relationship" into the equation, as well as other financial (sharing, tax breaks, insurance, etc), emotional, and other well-being benefits (companionship). That's not to say that all marriages have these qualities and in fact many marriages lack these qualities and are the exact reason why people divorce. I'm talking in an ideal environment. For me personally, if I'm going to invest in sharing my life with somebody I want the committment that they are in it for the long hule, and desire the committment that it will take.

I can see where the theory of "test driving" a marriage might come into play, but the truth is many couples who live together don't end up married ("its just a piece of paper"), or have less satisfying marriages and have a higher chance of breakup once married (according to a Rutgers study ). I'm not saying that all couples are destined to break up, but it could be an agruement for those who believe it's essential to live together before.

Then again, it's just my 2 cents and my personal choice. I have many friends who have lived with BF's and I always accepted that as their personal choice. I never said anything because it was never my place.[/b]

Living together and getting married is the exact same thing.People who live together (at least the ones I know) have a mortgage in common,they share a bank acount,they have kids,they share payments etc etc...what is the difference? They are just as commited.
They have all the rights DH and I have and by law,if they spilt up,they would get the same treatment as if they were married (exept it would be cheaper! lol).
There really is no difference and in the eyes of a couple who have been living together for years,marriage would not change anything in their relationship and it would infact be "just a peice of paper" kwim?
[/b]
But it's not the exact same thing. A mortgage, bank account and payments don't make a mariage. If it were I would have been married to my job when I was a bookkeeper! That same agruement could be said for business partners who share a mortgage, bank accounts, finances, etc. It's just not the same thing. It has to do with a committment level. It's easier to walk away from a common-law arrangement than a marriage.

There's a reason why it's called a marriage vs. common-law! Breaking up brings a completely different ordeal into the equation because it's not like a divorce where things are laid out and defined, and assests can easily be divided. If it was the same thing as marriage than there wouldn't be marriage. It's more than just a term. Did you happen to read the link to the study that I posted. It actually addresses many of your comments.
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  #12  
June 2nd, 2007, 04:23 PM
thepinkleprechaun's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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For some people a marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper though.
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  #13  
June 2nd, 2007, 04:32 PM
Tofu Bacon
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We didn't live together before marriage, and are very happy that we waited; neither of us ever really felt the need to "test drive" each other before the marriage . We knew each other well enough that there wasn't too many surprises.
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  #14  
June 2nd, 2007, 04:59 PM
EmilysMommy04's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Personally I see nothign worng with sex before marriage its human nature it happens. Some control it . Some dont doesnt make them bad people or it a bad thing. I wouldnt change a thing in my past nor present. I love my life and Im happy. Having sex before marriage doesnt mean utter demise thats just me.
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  #15  
June 2nd, 2007, 05:20 PM
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Quote:
I think that everyone should live with their partner before marriage..I know to many couples that didnt and didnt last a year.Their reasons..well,they didnt realise how hard it was going to be and they discovered lots of things about their SO that they didnt like causing them to be incompatible in the end.
Seeing your partner every day,spending the ocasional weekend together or going on vacation is NOTHING like living together 24/7,so I think people should try it before they decide to take the plunge.
I honestly think it would be benificial and stop so many divorces.
There is a down side though..I also know LOTS of couples who got engaged and moved in together,and then they just didnt get married because they say they dont need it because a peice of paper wont change anything kwim?
Id rather my kids moved in with thier SO and see how it goes before they spend a fortune on a wedding and then discover that they arent compatible with their new spouce and have to go through the heart ache of divorce.[/b]
Ditto to all of the above
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  #16  
June 2nd, 2007, 05:23 PM
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It's good for some, bad for others. If you are a person that doesn't think it's good for you, don't be snotting and tell others that they are stupid for doing it. That's pushing your ideals w/e onto other ppl. Keep your comments to yourself.

This is directed towards ppl in real life, not on here. I haven't even read the debate (don't have time). I just wanted to state what I think.
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  #17  
June 2nd, 2007, 05:26 PM
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I think this debate goes hand-in-hand with the topic of sex before marriage. If you believe it's okay to have premarital sex than you'll say yes, but if you're against premarital sex than most likely your answer will be no.[/b]
My cousin is quite Christian and against pre-marital sex, however, she and her fiancee lived together for nearly a year! before getting married. The wedding was in the works, they were constantly together doing the planning etc, and it just made more sense financially, as well as she had health issues following a stroke (at 19!) and he was very helpful to have around. They had separate bedrooms and stayed virgins until their wedding night - I know her well and I do believe she is telling the truth about that. I think they were very wise to do what they did, they know they are truly compatible and boy did that really prove their love and commitiment! I do not have their will power that's for sure, i'd have jumped his bnes before the first week was over
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  #18  
June 2nd, 2007, 05:29 PM
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I don't like sex before marriage - I didn't wait (I waited for engagement, but not marriage) and to this day I wish I had. Not because I didn't end up marrying him, simply because it's something that was important to me and I ended up compromising it.

As for living together before marriage, I don't think it's wrong but I do think you have to have beliefs that can accept it. I moved in with my husband after we got engaged, a few months before we were married. In my case, it was a necessity, IMO; my options were either to live with him before marriage, or to marry him without ever having spent more than a week at a time in the same city. The latter wasn't an option in my mind, but there was no way I could move to the US and not live with him, I legally could not work or get a place to live on my own. I have known some people that think it was wrong of me to live with my husband before marrying him; however, most agree that it would have been worse to enter into a marriage with so little face time, no matter how stable a relationship we had long distance.
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  #19  
June 2nd, 2007, 06:10 PM
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There's a reason why it's called a marriage vs. common-law! Breaking up brings a completely different ordeal into the equation because it's not like a divorce where things are laid out and defined, and assests can easily be divided. If it was the same thing as marriage than there wouldn't be marriage. It's more than just a term. Did you happen to read the link to the study that I posted. It actually addresses many of your comments.[/b]
I know this wasn't directed toward me, but I did read the link you posted and I can't see how it addresses many of her concerns.

First of all, to say that it is a "Rutgers study" is misleading. It appears to me that it is a report based on compiled information - publications from other sources, to be exact. Secondly, the only way in which it addresses Gina's comments is to oppose them. There are no statistics, case samples, or in-depth findings listed. (I assume that if I were to look into the sources listed by the site, I could find those things, but the Rutgers site, itself, doesn't share them.) And, in fact, the Rutgers site specifically states that "cohabiting couples who are already planning to marry each other in the near future have just as good a chance at staying together as couples who don't live together before marriage".

I actually agree with you that in many (maybe even most) cases, cohabiting is NOT the same as marriage. I've known far too many couples (myself and my DH, included) who thought that was the case until the wedding came and went and they realized that there was a whole lot more to it. But I personally believe that that has more to do with the way the couple views marriage than it does with the marriage itself. If the couple truly sees their commitment as being lifelong and just as strong as any "piece of paper" could ever make it, then I believe they have every bit as much of a chance as a married couple of working through the hard times, devloping the "conflict resolution and support skills" necessary, and focusing on the wellbeing of their partners.

The article also has some interesting points that I think are relevant to this discussion. Number 2 states that having children can cause a divide between husband and wife but tends to lower the chances of a divorce occurring (with no information given of how long the rift lasts, how married couples vs. cohabiting couples attempt to resolve it, etc.), which could be interpreted as a bad thing. Number 10 states that "work-related stress, more marital conflict and less marital interaction" could very well be the reason why "the general level of happiness in marriages has not increased and probably has declined slightly" in recent years.

As a happily married woman, I'm certainly not arguing against marriage. I'm arguing against the argument against cohabiting. (Whoa...Take a look at that sentence! )
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  #20  
June 2nd, 2007, 06:45 PM
EmilysMommy04's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It's good for some, bad for others. If you are a person that doesn't think it's good for you, don't be snotting and tell others that they are stupid for doing it. That's pushing your ideals w/e onto other ppl. Keep your comments to yourself.

This is directed towards ppl in real life, not on here. I haven't even read the debate (don't have time). I just wanted to state what I think.[/b]

Exactly. Its good for some not ffor others . What ever the couple feels. But in my opinion people shouldnt look down on someone and say thats wrong. Thats there opinion thats all and it really doesnt matter . To each there own
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