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Its not that I think she's wrong


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  #1  
June 5th, 2007, 10:34 PM
mommyKathyX3
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I'll try to keep this a bit short. Not sure if this is persay a debate, but it could be a discussion or advice from some of the smartest and well informed ladies I've ever met.

My cousin just had her baby shower this last weekend. They were trying for almost 2 yrs, (never really knew what the problem was ) before getting pregnant. Well, while being there, me and my mother were the only people from my side of the family. (the hubby) and everyone else was from her side so she was very comfortable, and so were they. I am VERY quiet until I get comfortable in a situation, and this was not a comfortable situation. Now where my dilema is is that all her "friends and family" were doing the typical horror stories of delivery and what she should do, conversation. Went mostly like "get the epideral asap" "get as many drugs as possible" "if you can get induced early". Then it went to "give her a bottle if your tired" "let the nurses take her" "make Joe do all the work" "dont worry about nursing since your going back to work at 8 weeks" "just let her cry" "make her sleep in her crib right away" "dont rock her to sleep" "dont hold her too much, you'll spoil her" she gets 2 strollers, and then the infamous baby food jar games, and the disposable diapers. Now, if she wants to do all this, then thats fine (my sister is about as traditional as they come lol), but holy flippin cow, it seems like everything they were saying was the opposite of what I believe (at least to a point). I felt like I wanted to jump up and say "THATS NOT YOUR ONLY CHOICE SHERRI!" I was litterly clenching my jaw most of the party. How do I present her with all of the information just so that she is INFORMED about what she chooses and doesnt just take it as the only way cause thats what my friends say I should do. (and yes, she is completly ignorant of these things, I do know that) I'm not super close to her, which makes it even harder. I dont want to come off as a "know it all" or comdeming her cause I really dont care if she gets an epideral, or bottlefeeds, or uses a crib, but I want her to know what are the posititves and negatives of both ways, ya know? Am I making any sense?

I mean you guys here have cursed me to a life of looking at all the sides. I used to walk through life with a *dumb/ignorant* smile. Now I am more informed about WHY I believe what I believe, and have even questioned a few of my choices, or actually have made some of my choices much more firm.

I guess what my question is, is that how do you let other people know about "the other side" without making it seem like you are questioning their choices or making them look bad, or yourself a "goody goody" or something? Oh ACK!
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  #3  
June 5th, 2007, 11:15 PM
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Ditto

You could ay to her "You know the other day at your baby shower when everyone was giving you advice, I wanted to say something but didn't want to seem like I was disagreeing with the other women..." or something like that and then see if she knows about her other options. Maybe she does know and has a plan of her own, and just kept her mouth shut when people gave her advice for the same reason you did - or maybe doesn't, either way I think as long as you aren't telling her how she should do things I'm sure she will know that you care about her and appreciate another point of view from another mama.
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  #4  
June 5th, 2007, 11:50 PM
*kyle*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Maybe get a book that talks about various parenting methods, including more attachment-based parenting techniques, and give or mail it to her with a short note: "Saw this at the bookstore and thought of you! There's so much to learn about being a mommy and I hope this helps."

If that fails, you can always send her our way.
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  #5  
June 6th, 2007, 12:29 AM
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I ditto that just talking to her about how there are other options in a nice way might be the clincher. This bugs me too since I have family and friends who sit around and tell all of the same stuff. And sometimes they DO know my POV, but if I say one thing they dismiss it anyway. I am so glad to be informed and to have made the decisions that were right for me. I don't think I could have made them as well as I did if I hadn't found JM. My DH teases me about JM so I know he would laugh if I told him that. You may just say, "Hey I have been researching some things on my own and you know what surprised me that I never knew..." This way you are saying that you came to find things on your own too, but just want to share what you have learned and not persuade her your way you are only informing.
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  #6  
June 6th, 2007, 06:33 AM
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People STILL tell me those things!!! I don't think it ever ends to be honest! During my pregnancy, I just let people say whatever they wanted to but I've noticed since she's been here and is right in front of me, I tend to argue with them more about their "old school" thinking-- "You should just let her cry! She's fine." "You're still nursing her at 5 months?!" OMG! If you are worried about her thinking you are offering her unsolicited advice, just say that: "Hey! I don't want to be one of those people who offers you unsolicited advice. I just had to let you know that......." She may not want to have been rude at her baby shower and that is why she didn't overtly argue with those women.
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  #7  
June 6th, 2007, 07:47 AM
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I guess I would be classified as "Old School" which is completely fine by me. I also see nothing wrong with more moderate day methods either. I think the idea of giving her a book with ALL her choices was an excellent idea. You aren't coming off as pushy, more of a considerate friend.
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  #9  
June 6th, 2007, 08:18 AM
quietsong's Avatar Just Another Slacker Mom
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Location: Missouri
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I would talk to her, one on one some day. I think picklesmama had a great way into it, say you didn't feel comfortable in front of everyone but you did want to offer her some alternatives IF she is interested in listening. If you don't come across as trying to push your opinion on her, I think she'll be glad to hear your side.

Also, keep in mind that maybe she is doing her own research. I mean, I had a baby shower where all I was told was to get drugs, got bottles and disposable diapers and strollers toys, played baby food games... yet I planned a natural birth, BF for as long as possible, and homemade baby food, I dusted off my stroller for the first time yesterday when DH and I went on an exercise walk around the neighborhood because I always use my sling, and would be using cloth diapers if daycare would buy into it.
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  #10  
June 6th, 2007, 08:41 AM
Boxerlove1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well hopefully, since your cousin has been pregnant for a few months now, this isnt the first time she has thougt about this. I seriously doubt that she all of a sudden thought "OMG! Thanks for the info, I hadn't thought about things like feeding the baby, or giving birth before you all brought it up." Women like to tell stories about their births and their choices. It doesnt mean she will follow that way. Or yours. Her choices are just that. Just b/c it may not gel with what you would do, doesnt mean she is uneducated or hasnt thought about it.
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  #11  
June 6th, 2007, 09:39 AM
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Her choices are her choices to make. But there is no harm in pointing out that there ARE other choices. She might not be aware that there is more than one way to do things.
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  #12  
June 6th, 2007, 10:33 AM
Boxerlove1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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^ I would be very frightened if someone I knew put so ;little thought into something so life changing, that they were unaware of the options. If women are so empowered and courageous, then why do we give them so little credit for making choices for themselves?
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  #13  
June 6th, 2007, 11:32 AM
Mom2DavidandAaron's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Her choices are her choices to make. But there is no harm in pointing out that there ARE other choices. She might not be aware that there is more than one way to do things.[/b]
ITA. We really cannot push our ideas to someone else (although those women were doing just that ), but there's nothing wrong in showing a person that there are choices. The beauty of parenting is that you get to pick and choose what works for your kids!
I can perfectly understand why you kept your mouth shut, though, and in your place I'd have done the same thing. Especially if, as you said, you already felt uncomfortable for being from the "other" side of the family.
Now, are you sure she's unaware of her choices? Many times people come to me and give me unwanted advise like "don't hold them to much, you'll spoil them" I say "yeah, OK" and then go on and continue cuddling my boys as much as I please. I just don't feel like getting into an argument with someone, so I just let it slide. Maybe she also felt ganged up and just chose not to agree or disagree with these ladies so as not to spoil her baby shower.

Sharon
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  #14  
June 6th, 2007, 12:05 PM
Mom2DavidandAaron's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Sorry! Double post

Sharon.
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  #16  
June 6th, 2007, 02:42 PM
mommyKathyX3
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I do know her well enough, and by her reaction to what they were saying and the questions she was asking I know she really hasnt looked at the "other side" of things. She is trusting that they know what is best. I'm not saying that THEY are wrong either, but I just want her to know that there are other choices out there, and why, and if she still choses the way she's doing things now, then thats fine with me.

I'm think of sending her a few websites about some of the benefits of bfing, the importance of natural childbirth, cloth diapers, CIO, etc on MY side of the table, and just mention something like here are some websites with info you might use sometime. Along with a congrats or something.

Thanks you guys. Youre awesome!
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  #17  
June 6th, 2007, 03:22 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
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Quote:
I'm think of sending her a few websites about some of the benefits of bfing, the importance of natural childbirth, cloth diapers, CIO, etc on MY side of the table, and just mention something like here are some websites with info you might use sometime. Along with a congrats or something.

Thanks you guys. Youre awesome![/b]
You could send her to a debate board, like this one. That way she can see BOTH sides of some issues like CIO, BFing, etc.
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  #18  
June 6th, 2007, 04:19 PM
*Aspen*
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Quote:
I do know her well enough, and by her reaction to what they were saying and the questions she was asking I know she really hasnt looked at the "other side" of things. She is trusting that they know what is best. I'm not saying that THEY are wrong either, but I just want her to know that there are other choices out there, and why, and if she still choses the way she's doing things now, then thats fine with me.

I'm think of sending her a few websites about some of the benefits of bfing, the importance of natural childbirth, cloth diapers, CIO, etc on MY side of the table, and just mention something like here are some websites with info you might use sometime. Along with a congrats or something.

Thanks you guys. Youre awesome![/b]
I think that is a wonderful idea. Who wouldn't want to share information to a pregnant mother who doesn't seem to know where she stands and is leaving her labor/parenting decisions to others (who seem misinformed to say the least...). I think what you are doing is a great idea
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  #19  
June 7th, 2007, 03:34 AM
Lisadear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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hun ... I've learnt from experience that people are going to offer their 'advice' and say what they want to say anyway lol

I dont have babies anymore ... I have a preteen and a teen and I'm still 'advised' about what to do, how to do it and why what I do is wrong

guess what ... my kids are happy and well adjusted so far LOL

Its ok ... I'm sure you're sister will be a fine mom ... honestly ... you can read all the books in the world but parenting is really common sense, lots of love and affection and a lot of attentiveness to each other including instilling the right values, being there through good times and bad ... gosh its so much that I can't list all

bottom line is ... people will ALWAYS say what they think .... wish we could tell them to shut up ... erm I have a couple of times LOL but they will still yabble and a lot of times out of pure ignorance

xxx Lisa xxx
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  #20  
June 7th, 2007, 09:43 AM
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Does she read books?

I was very anti-AP while I was pregnant. Although I wanted an natural childbirth, I still never really planned to breastfeed [but it worked, lol], cosleep or cloth diaper or consider anything outside the realm of mainstream America. For Christmas, my aunt got me a Dr. Sears, "The Baby Book". I looked at it, didn't really pay it much thought, actually I was kinda of angry about it, because I felt like it was pushing her "Style" on me. But now, that is the best gift I could have gotten, because it opened my eyes, that I don't have to make mainstream choices to raise a healthy, happy, well-adjusted child. And even though, Dr. Sears is like *THE* AP referance person, I find his books, and website very middle of the road and the least biased I've seen yet [of course there is biased opinions in there]. But at least, in that it presents various types of situations. And the repeated idea, "is do what is best for you baby and your family" and "no two babies are alike".
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